Mazel Tov - it’s a teenager! …HELP!!!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Wed, May 31 2023, 5:59 pm

She’s 2 months away from bas mitzvah but my eldest daughter has entered this phase and I’m struggling to find the balance between accommodating the things that are really important to her and maintaining my boundaries, particularly when it comes to safety.

- According to our state she is not supposed to ride in the front seat until she’s 12, yet all her friends do it and she is very embarrassed not to be able to. As a compromise I let her ride in the front when her friends are in the car but she still gets upset that I don’t allow it at other times.

- Many families in our neighborhood have pools and let their kids my daughter’s age swim unsupervised together. This is not something I can allow, so I tell my daughter that if she wants to swim at a friend’s house I need to come watch unless the mother is willing to. Again this makes my daughter resentful and embarrassed.

- She needs glasses but refuses to wear them. She is also not interested in wearing contacts. So she walks around squinting and not seeing well. I can’t force her to wear glasses but tell her she needs to wear them if she goes out walking and crossing roads or riding her bike. But this rule is too much for her so she gets upset and stays home.

I really feel for her and am sorry to be the cause of so much anguish. I remember my own mother being over-protective and it was really hard for me as I tried to become more independent. I want to say yes to my daughter as much as I can but think I need to put my foot down on the above issues because of the safety aspect.

Please share your advice for navigating this new stage of parenting.

keym

Wed, May 31 2023, 6:17 pm

Regarding the front seat of the car

I had a long talk with my kids pediatrician. (Granted my kids are on the larger side of average).
A basic rule he said was that there's nothing magical about her specific 12th birthday that she can safely sit in the front. It's an approximate average.
So maybe it's something worth compromising on.

In general as my kids hit into their teens, I needed a brain adjustment in how I saw them from "little kid who should just be told" to "adult that can't be forced".
Try to listen, see their perspective.

Problem solve together.
My favorite technique is take an issue like the pool issue. Sit with her and a pen. She wants to swim with friends. You need adult supervisor. You both write all the possible solutions (including the truly ridiculous). Then you go through them and come with a solution that satisfies both of you. Maybe a college-age girl can supervise. Maybe a rotation.

Let her make her choices, make her mistakes. So maybe she won't go outside - that's her decision.

amother

Olive

Wed, May 31 2023, 6:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

you sound like a really reasonable responsible mom. I don't think your being mean at all. welcome to teenagers. I would 2nd what the other mother posted and do a technique described in the book 'how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk' which is to sit down at a calm relaxed time with pen and paper. state the problem. how she feels and how you feel. list possible solutions that both of you come up with - even if you know you will for sure nix it later on - and problem solve together. explain as you cross out each idea why it isn't feasible. I know these are very black and white issues because its safety but you'll be surprised at the ideas that can come up if you do this.

imasinger

Wed, May 31 2023, 6:30 pm

Excellent advice from keym.

I'd suggest putting the firepower onto the issue about vision. Take her to the optometrist and tell her that she has to try getting fitted for contacts before ruling them out. Alternatively, set certain times when she's at home that you'll require glasses on (at meals, maybe), so she gets more used to the look and feel, without peers around. If she'd need braces, this will be important practice.

As to the rest.

Yes, maybe give in on the front seat.

Perhaps she can take swimming lessons this summer, to reach the point where you'd be comfortable letting her swim in friends' pools?

I have recommended on this board my favorite book about parenting teens -- "Get Out of my Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall."

It's worth a read.

Chayalle

Wed, May 31 2023, 6:54 pm

Just want to say, my teen was never wearing her glasses. Finally went for a contact lense fitting. Wow! Ma you see that sign over there! I can read it!!! Suddenly she has noticed the benefits of being able to see. She is wearing those contacts.

12 might be a little young, but sooner or later she will be ready. It's a game changer.

amother

Wed, May 31 2023, 9:39 pm

Thanks so much for the responses and chizuk. Will look into the books IYH and maybe consider letting her sit in the front more often.

amother

Nasturtium

Wed, May 31 2023, 9:53 pm

Please don’t compromise about the pool.
Swimming unsupervised is not ok at any age.

amother

Peru

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:09 pm

She’s not unsupervised, she’s with a group of friends. If it were my daughter I would make this decision based on how good of a swimmer she is and her friends are, and overall how responsible they are. It sounds like there are also adults within shouting distance, maybe a reasonable rule could be only when an adult who is able to swim is home.

amother

Peru

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:12 pm

The front seat thing is a bit ridiculous, in two months you’ll suddenly start letting her but not a day before?

amother

Mintcream

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'd give in for #1, hold my position for #2 and work out a compromise for #3.

Riding in the front seat is about size. If she's tall enough, then I wouldn't create any drama around that.

But swimming unsupervised is something I wouldn't compromise. Younger teens aren't old enough to be left unsupervised in a pool. I wouldn't care if others do it, it's just not safe. Their immature 12 year old brains aren't responsible enough to take all the dangers into consideration.

As for lenses/glasses, I would ask her for a trial period for both - and then let her decide how to proceed. There's a strong likelihood once she reallys gets to see the world, she will want to continue doing so. For reference though, what are her prescription numbers? If is a low prescription, there isnt that much harm in just letting her be.

amother

Taupe

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:38 pm

I wouldn’t compromise on the swimming unsupervised. Not a budge.

12 year old girls are so absorbed in themselves, their silliness, and staying afloat that if something should Ch”s happen to a friend, likely no one else would even notice. The level of noise these girls make would make it hard for someone who might need help to be heard, and in case of emergency they’d likely panic rather than do anything that might be helpful.

Most likely everyone would be fine, but on the chance that it wouldn’t be: would you really want to take the risk?

amother

Jean

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:53 pm

I took my dd to the Dr. and asked her together about the front seat with the agreement that we will follow what she says. she said 13. my daughter was not happy but it was not negotiable. and yes she's big for her age but it's not just a size thing. it also has to do with the development of the body according to age. yes she made a fuss. too bad.

I got my dd contacts. I also got her vision therapy which she thought was totally unnecessary until afterwards when she saw the improvement. I let the experts decide. Dr. sats you need contacts or glasses not me ...

the pool thing would also be a no go for us.
you aren't crazy.

amother

Ruby

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:58 pm

Please do not compromise on pool safety. Some things are just too bad, like no you cannot get into a car driven by a friend with no license.

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