Struggling to Love my Child

amother

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 9:41 am

I have a child with some challenges and receiving professional help who recently severely injured a sibling. (Thankfully sibling will iyH be making a full recovery BH). Due to the nature of the injury, our family has been investigated by CPS and other agencies. My other children have also been subject to needless medical examinations and testing to confirm that they are not being abused by me and my husband. Yes, we will be cleared by all agencies. We have a safety plan in place and I believe that everyone in my family is safe at this time.

I'm really struggling with loving my child. I understand that this child is a "choleh" (even though he looks normal and healthy) and did not intend to severely hurt anyone. He is a sweetheart when you look past the challenges. However I am struggling with the "what ifs." What if the sibling died or had permanent lifelong disabilities from this incident? What if CPS determined we were bad parents? Please help me love him. He is not an easy child and will likely have a lifelong challenges but he deserves my love.

PS: I cannot discuss this incident publicly to protect my child as I do not want him to suffer from lifelong stigma. I told a close friend and family member but am still struggling. Please help me

polka dots

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 9:47 am

Major hugs. So so so painful, I'm hurting for you!
I hope someone will be able to give you good advice.
I'm not an expert but I would think 1. time. It is all very fresh and your child isn't healed yet... hopefully when things will be back to normal you will have an easier time with this child.
2. sometimes when I had a hard day with a child, I sit by their bed at night when they are sleeping already. They look so small and vulnerable and innocent. It makes me feel like I want to love and protect this child. It's easier for me to connect to the child and the next morning I try to remember that feeling.

amother

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 9:43 pm

amother Sand wrote:

I want you to know I hear you. This is a very tough situation, I have a difficult child as well. May Hashem guide and keep us, and each of our children. You are not alone on this journey.

Amen. Thank you Sand

imasinger

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 10:10 pm

I'm sorry you have all gone through such a harrowing experience! BH everyone will recover after the incident.

It's so hard when love clashes with a worry that people aren't safe. Now that you have this plan in place, there's less chance of a repeat.

Try to keep in mind Ross Greene's idea that kids are good when they can be. Whatever has been going on, it sounds like DS was impulsive, and did not intend serious harm to his sibling. That's worth something.

It's perhaps also worth it to think about how, ultimately, Hashem runs the world. If you imagine that DS runs the world, it will be hard to love him when he hurts people. But he is not in charge.

Davening can help. Continued work with appropriate professionals can help, including therapy for yourself . Time can help.
Reminding yourself that your ability to move past this (while still being supportive of the needs and processes of the other kids) and be a role model can help.

May all of your beloved children have a refuah shleimah.