Multiple Pregnancy - To tell or not to tell?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Twins, Triplets, and more

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amother

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 11:47 pm

If you had multiples, did you tell your parents in advance? If yes, when?

amother

Snow

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 11:52 pm

I’ve never had multiples, but if I did I would tell my parents. They are very helpful and supportive.

Not sure if I would tell anyone else.

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 11:55 pm

It depends on how much your parents pry, worry and can help you (physically, emotionally or financiailly) so a decision would be based on that.

We spilled the beans at about 7 months. We wanted our privacy and space, but also didn't want our parents to have the shock and to feel like we kept this from them, so wanted to give them that bit of time when only they knew.

amother

Lightgray

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 12:12 am

We told my dh’s parents soon after we told them about the pregnancy, and mine a couple weeks before I gave birth. I personally felt my parents would have a very hard time keeping the secret for so long, and when I did tell them they were so so so excited, and it was only a few weeks left. I don’t live nearby my parents, so I wasn’t getting any help from them anyway. They appreciated that I waited till then!
In hindsight, we probably should have waited with my in-laws longer too, they kept our secret well, but it was hard! My mother in law was afraid to say anything about the pregnancy to anyone incase she slipped! And I didn’t get any help from them either… if that were different though I wouldn’t hesitate to say right away….

amother

Pear

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 12:20 am

We told my parents and in laws in the 7th month.
They are good at keeping secrets though.
I would not tell if they would tell others, get anxious or be annoying.
My parents and in laws were very supportive. Neither live close by.

I told my sisters when I went into labor.

Edited to add: I only found out I was having twins a few weeks before I told the two sets of parents

amother

Calendula

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 12:24 am

it was quite obvious to my parents who live close by from the real beginning and I needed their help, it wasn't relevant not to share. In Laws I told in my 7th since I knew I wouldn't get help from them and they have a hard time not sharing.

amother

Maple

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 12:48 am

My friend had her twins premature before she shared. It was a big shock

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 12:52 am

Why would it be a secret?

amother

Cadetblue

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 12:55 am

The three people that I know who had twins all told their parents pretty quickly.

I had a SIL tell me when she was 5 months pregnant and I was SO honored! She was tiny - no one would have guessed.

My best friend told me she was having twins the day she found out. She and her husband decided she needed someone to talk to about it and they chose me! But I know her mom knew, and her sister guessed when she saw her.

amother

Marigold

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 1:30 am

When a friend was on bed rest and absolutely enormous, it was pretty obvious that she was having multiples. I have no idea why it had to be a secret, but I played along.

amother

Molasses

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 1:30 am

I have 2 siblings who had twins. Both told parents and siblings right away. Actually, with my sister I guessed when she told me she was pregnant.

amother

Currant

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 2:49 am

amother Amethyst wrote:

Why would it be a secret?

Same reason that a lot of women choose to keep singleton pregnancy a secret. 1. Some just like privacy. 2. Some have family who would be more annoying than helpful in case of a miscarriage, so they prefer to not tell or to tell as late as they can.

I've never had multiples, but personally I wouldn't tell most people until later (like month 7ish) because twins are higher risk, and I'd prefer most people not know if I lost one. Even my kids who are so sweet and supportive. I do tell them when I'm about 13 weeks pregnant (with 1) because I'm showing, but if I were to have twins or more I'd wait so that if I lost one but not the other, they wouldn't have to be upset about it.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 4:38 am

There's videos online of people who didn't tell and surprised their family when they came to visit them in the hospital.

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 4:46 am

Absolutely not. If you ch"v lose one, at least they won't grieve.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 6:27 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Absolutely not. If you ch"v lose one, at least they won't grieve.

What about her and her dh mental health?

Greiving alone is very difficult.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 6:33 am

We told our parents that it was twins after the first trimester. We also told our siblings. We didn’t tell anyone else. Of all the people we told one did spill the beans and it was upsetting

amother

Currant

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 7:12 am

LovesHashem wrote:

What about her and her dh mental health?

Greiving alone is very difficult.

Grieving alone IS hard, but it's easier than grieving with people who make it worse.

I wouldn't want my sweet children to know because even though they'd try to make me feel better, the fact that they were sad would make me feel worse.

I wouldn't want to tell my annoying parents because they would make it all about them, maybe try to make an unwanted public display of trying to support me, but not actually do anything to make me feel better and I'd end up spending energy just trying to get them out of my hair.

Two of my good friends have twins and I wouldn't want them to know, because I'd ve afraid they would be extra sensitive, and trying not to trigger me would stop sending me pictures and cute stories about their twins, but I think I'd prefer to keep receiving those pictures and stories.

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 10:54 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Absolutely not. If you ch"v lose one, at least they won't grieve.

I'm sorry for your experience and heartbreak.
But please, this is the last thing OP has to hear right now.
iyH both her babies will be healthy and well. Heart

amother

Acacia

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 11:44 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Absolutely not. If you ch"v lose one, at least they won't grieve.

So you wouldn’t tell any family members who live too far away to see you, about any pregnancy then, including a single one. Just in case of miscarriage or stillbirth ch”v, why should they have to know.
Or, why would you see twins differently?

amother

Currant

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 12:04 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

Not the person you asked, but for me twins are different because:

I can't realistically hide a singleton pregnancy after about week 13 (I get big quickly), so I don't even bother trying and just announce once it becomes visible. If I were to get pregnant with twins, I could give week 36 as my due date instead of week 40, and tgat would account for some of the extra size, and not be a total lie since twins are usually born several weeks earlier than singletons. So part of it is just that it's more possible to "get away with".

Another thing: if I lose a singleton pregnancy after I announce, everyone's gonna know, just like if I lost both twins. But I believe it is not uncommon to lose one twin but not another, so if I announced (and let people think it's singleton) then lost one twin but not the other, people would not know. So again, it's about being able to "get away with it".

If I were one of the women who does not look pregnant at all (or have anything else like HG that would give it away) until the 8th month, then I think I would keep it secret until the 8th month.

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