Self Defense | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 5:39 am

My dd3 and dd5 are basically the same size. Here is what happened on Shabbos. Dd3 was playing magnatiles and dd5 was at a friend. Dd5 came home and I think dd3 had gone away to get something, or maybe she was right there, I'm not sure. But dd5 came over and took her pile of magnatiles. Dd3 got very upset and went up to her crying and hit her. So dd5 kicked her. So dd3 hit her again. So dd5 pulled her hair. So dd3 started hitting her over the head with another magnatile. So dd5 started crying. I was on the couch watching, explained to dd5 throughout the fight that dd3 was playing with those, she should take others from the box (we have a ton). At this point I broke up the fight.

Dd5 wouldn't give her the magnatiles, so I thought she kind of deserved this and was kind of glad dd3 figured out a way to hurt back instead of just being beat up. (dd5 kicks and pulls hair hard!) Dd3 said a girl in gan hits her and her teacher said she never hits, so I was worried about her being/becoming a victim of bullying. Dh was also here watching and afterwards he stressed that fighting was not k'dai because then it just gets worse and worse and everyone is hurt and sad.

I spoke to dd5 about it after and she said if dd3 had used words to ask for the magnatiles in the first place, she would have just given them to her. That's kind of doubtful though. But I did tell dd3 that she should try to use words and not start fighting. I guess she was convinced that wouldn't help or too upset to try (she turned 3 pretty recently). But like I said, I am kind of glad that when necessary (was this necessary?) dd3 could defend herself physically. What would you think about all this? What would you have done during the minute of fighting? What would you do/say after? Who was right/wrong? How do you teach not to fight but also teach not to be a pushover?

amother

Cantaloupe

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 5:28 pm

This was not self defense. Your three yo got upset and responded by trying to physically hurt her sister and then it escalated. She was the aggressor, not defending herself. You should be teaching her to respond with words, or get help if that doesn't work. I really don't think that sitting and watching this escalate was the right move either. Your 5 yo should not have raken the magna tiles but that doesn't make the response ok either.