Feeling Unappreciated

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:03 pm

I totally understand you. I'm a half time specialist in an elementary achool, who sees each class for 45 minutes once a week. I wouldn't have been included in student thank you's for teacher appreciation week if it hadn't been for one 4th grade classroom teacher who put the names of each person who touched the lives of her students -- specialists, assistants, office staff -- and told them each to pick one, and that between them all, they had to make sure all the teachers on the list got one.

I think you should absolutely let the administration know what happened.

amother

Hibiscus

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:08 pm

amother Pear wrote:

I used to put a lot of work into sending Thank you notes and gifts a couple of times a year to my children’s teachers and they never seemed to even care or acknowledge the gesture. Now I am kind of confused as to what is the right thing to do.

This.

Dear OP,

I brought the teachers gift certificates to a local store before rosh Hashanah.

In addition to the class collection, I gave Chanukah gifts as well.

On Purim, I gave cash.

Each time accompanied by a nice note.

I never ever got a thank you afterwards.
Not a call.
Not an email
Not a text.
Zero. Zilch. Nada.

You know what I did this week as the year came to a close?

Zero. Zilch. Nada.
I was/am done.
Hakaras hatov is a 2 way street.

OP, you sound like a an amazing teacher and human being, and I'm so sorry you were hurt. I'm a firm believer in acknowledging teachers, but still ..

amother

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:23 pm

amother Hibiscus wrote:

I hear your.
As a teacher, I was on the guilty side of that once.

Chanuka time I received tips (from my afternoon class). It came from the school and I didn't see any names. I was upset because I wanted to thank everyone.
I went on but it disturbed me.
Anyways, a few months later I took out the money and saw a list that I hadn't seen before. I was incredibly embarrassed that I hadn't acknowledged the gift - I didn't know who to thank before. It felt silly to message at that point.
Was most definitely appreciated.

smss

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:25 pm

amother Pear wrote:

I've seen it debated many times whether it's obligatory to send a "thank you for a thank you".

Personally, I am on the side that you should, and I do.

But I would say that the fact that you didn't get a thank you from the teachers doesn't necessarily mean they didn't feel appreciative.

amother

Whitewash

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

So in my case, I'm not just a pop in . I'm the established teacher for one period and for the other 3, I was in each class of one grade assisting those who needed help. Often it was a group of mostly same students and also helped out with the rest of the class. It was a daily thing. Not a floater position.

Re Rebbi, for my other half of the day, I teach the same class a the Rebbi. Our schedules have equal amount of hours.

And re secretaries? Yes. I give something to them all too. They do a lot for our kids behind the scenes and deserve appreciation.

I agree with you on your perspective otherwise.

Btw these same parents know who to call when there is an issue, so they know who I am.

Again, I'm not trying to put down what you do. And of course in my area of employment (not school related) I also feel awful if a full year goes by without any kind of acknowledgment from anyone in my company's upper management.

You said you teach/impact about 70 students. How many teachers do each of those students have per year? How many siblings on average do your students have?

From a parents end, you're talking about about 6 (or more) kids in school x 8-12 school staff = 50 to 70 thank you cards. Preferably at Chanukah, and Purim, and end of year. Also personalized and not generic. Ideally with cash.

Of course we want to thank you all. Of course we appreciate what you do for our children. But 50 thank you notes is a lot.

Maybe we can change the way this is done -
1. Can students get a list of teachers at the end of the year, and write thank you notes to them - this way every teacher gets a few notes, and the onus of personalizing notes is removed from parents.
2. Can schools provide a list of staff with email addresses so parents can send a note - sometimes the timing is difficult, end of year is so hectic, but once the kids are settled into camp we have more time to go back and thank the teachers properly. Also, emailing is more accessible for lots of parents than writing a card and mailing it.
3. I would suggest general optional admin-organized gift pools where parents can contribute, which then gets divided by all staff. Having administration run it can ensure that everyone gets gifted, not only the main teachers.

farm

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:03 am

I’m so sorry your feelings are so hurt. Wrapping up a busy year feeling completely unappreciated and taken for granted, or taken advantage of really.
It seems to me that the vase thing is way more egregious than the lack of student thank you’s.
As a busy parent with BH a gaggle of kids in quite a few schools, it is basically impossible to keep track of all the educators who touch my children throughout the year. It’s one thing in the younger grades, where it’s (only) 1 Judaic studies teacher, 1 secular studies teacher, and an assistant for each (assuming no one else came and went at various points during the year for maternity or marriage…). But by the time the kids are in middle school, there is just no way to stay on top of everyone. I thought I knew all my 7th grader’s teachers but now that I read your post, I’m wondering if I would know if there was a special tefilla teacher or assistants that come in and out at certain times to give kids extra attention? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Please cut the parents some slack.
BUT the school, on the other hand, specifically made a ‘thank you’ activity for the girls and THEY left you out? That is HORRIBLE! I am SO sorry! They don’t deserve you and you should find a new school that will value and appreciate you for next year.

amother

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 5:10 am

farm wrote:

amother

Black

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 5:34 am

How about sending a group email to all the parents of the kids you worked with, telling them how much you enjoyed their kids this year? I bet most of them don't realize that you're in the classroom with their kids. If they did, they would probably send you something, assuming that's the culture in your school. (In many schools, the PTA organizes a gift and card from all the parents.)

What the administration did seems thoughtless. Maybe each teacher thought the other one was in charge of having the kids make flowers for you. I don't know what went wrong there.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 6:01 am

I'm sorry you felt unappreciated, op.

At the same time, if I spent a lot of time crying over not getting thank you cards, I would take a step back and examine my expectations.

I have 5 kids. I just counted it all up. They have a total of 37 direct classroom teachers. That's not counting people like you, support staff who are not with the class for a significant amount of time.

Honestly, this post makes me want to throw up my hands and not thank anyone. I'm just going to end up leaving someone out.

You did a good job. You got paid. You even got a gift, a vase, from your administration. Why can't that be enough? Go buy yourself a bunch of flowers. Revel in a job well done. Don't give parents the undoable job of bolstering your sense of self. There's no way for me, as a mom of 5, to know every single school staff member who ever helped my kid find the place in their siddur at davening.

I don't get the whole frum school culture when it comes to gratitude. In my line of work, my peers and I will congratulate ourselves for a job we did well at the end of a project, and our manager might put a snack in the coffee room and send out an email thanking the team. Once a year there's an holiday lunch. But we don't expect anything from our clients, who are paying for our services. We certainly don't expect personalized notes and gifts and tips. No one's shed any tears over this. It's a job. Feel good when you've done it well.

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 6:38 am

For all of those feeling guilty about not sending thank yous here is a suggestion-

Type a draft, make multiple copies, edit slightly per teacher. Print and distribute.

Yes, I know it’s ideal to hand-write a thank you card and even maybe to send a gift, but if that feels daunting there are other, easier ways to acknowledge a teacher’s efforts at the end of the year that are less stressful.

Another option is to order gifts through Amazon.

I totally understand the challenge, I have multiple children in different grades and schools and it can be a very big end of year project…!

Highstrung

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 7:08 am

smss wrote:

I've been on imamother for over a decade and have never seen a thread like that.
I am not questioning that you did, but I do think that type of sentiment is extremely rare and honestly, I wouldn't give a second thought to it.
The vast majority of teachers treasure thank you notes and have no expectations of material gifts.

As a parent as well, I get how overwhelming even writing cards can be. I would say 3 things...
1) you can teach elementary age students to write their own cards (although when possible, it is still very meaningful to get one from the parents too)
2) cards don't expire so you don't have to wait for the night before the last day of school to write them. You can pace yourself over the last few weeks of school
3) something is better than nothing, if you didn’t manage cards can you send a 2 sentence text? Can you email the principal and cc the teacher?

There were multiple threads about this , this year . And yes, there were teachers saying that if you don’t send cash it’s as if you sent nothing. This causes great insecurities in many parents who torture themselves and twist themselves into pretzels . They want to show appreciation and now the bar was set to this standard where your gift is unappreciated. The other day , someone posted she gave the teacher an iced coffee and a chocolate bar as a thank you and the teacher replied “oh. Shalach manos” instead of thank you . It’s a problem that is causing other teachers to lose out . If only a note and thank you acknowledgment were enough for most teachers .

amother

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 7:28 am

amother Black wrote:

On Admin end -
-So first, when there was a PTA Chanuka time, they left me out.
-When they gave a present from Admin Rosh Hashana time, they walked in to give the main teacher in classroom, whispered something to each other and then awkwardly came back with another - seemed obvious they forgot me.
-When they gave bonuses Pesach time, I didnt get from their department when each and every one of them got. When I asked about it, they blamed other people until I pushed more and they put it through. I shouldn't have had to do that at all..
-When they handed me the vase, they did it knowing there were no flowers in it..Really, come on, just say Im sorry or a different kind of apology if it had truly just 'disappeared'.

This is just a few things.. which goes to show why this vase thing, which the flower part means more than the rest, blew everything over edge - for me.

amother

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 7:33 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

A lot of time crying about it?
School ended yesterday - yeah, it was a smack in the face to me.
People are allowed to have feelings and yes - ill be blunt.

You missed the point of the post.
In a classroom with your child every.single.day.
I sure hope you know who is taking responsibility for your children and who is helping them succeed.
About the vase- if you knew that everyone was given the time in class to write these thank yous to ALL the teachers in school and your name was left out = im sure you would feel disgusted seeing that it worked out and everyone got a vase with flowers. That was the point of it, the words of appreciation. Without it - worthless in my opiniion.

How about read my post above this one too?

Highstrung

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:02 am

amother OP wrote:

The vase with flowers and leaving you out is super painful. When you are not feeling so hurt anymore , I think you should bring it up with whoever planned and arranged this project. They need to be aware that you came away super hurt and pained.
Did you receive any recognition DURING the year from any parents ?
Because in my child’s school the N’shei gave each staff member a gift of appreciation along with a personalized note , thanking them for their specific job. The parents in the school all chipped in to pay for the gifts. I’m the one that wrote the notes , and until that moment , I had no idea that 3/4 of those staff members were even there or what they did. I had to ask for specifics and details of what their job entailed. It would be nice if in the beginning of the year the school sent out a note with the names and roles of each staff member and a short synopsis of what they do. I think doing this would making parents more aware of what to be appreciative for.
I really feel bad for the pain and shame you were put through. It’s such a bitter taste to end off the year that way.

Highstrung

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:05 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s so weird that they keep leaving you out. You must bring it up to whoever takes care of these things . Explain the hurt and how it’s repetitive .

watergirl

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:09 am

amother OP wrote:

OP, this is horrible. It's time to find a new job. I have no idea where you live, but I can almost promise you, every school is looking for teachers. This school where you are is doing much less than not showing you appreciation, they are treating you horribly. This is not a parent issue, it's a school issue, and it almost seems personal. No employee anywhere should be treated this way by their boss.

amother

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:16 am

watergirl wrote:

I am.
The second school was out, I got off their chats.
The leaving out of appreciation several times is one of more issues.