How can I learn to like my kids again?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:40 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

I agree with your first two sentences but why is it up to schools to teach this?

It doesn't look nice for the parent to say you have to have gratitude for everything I do for you.

It's better if someone else teaches it.

But a husband can talk to the kids about how much Mommy does for you and make a loooong list

And Wife can tell kids how much Totty does for you

And parents and school should say kids show their appreciation
by helping out,
listening right away and
not constantly complaining and demanding.

creditcards

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:43 pm

At what age does the switch happen. I find my kids becoming easier as they get older. I think it depends what you find more difficult. For me it's the physical aspect of parenting, and I have more energy to talk to them and that takes more emotional energy. Some parents have more physical energy and find that easier and the emotional energy kids take they find more draining. It takes emotional energy to solve fights and disagreements.

creditcards

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:45 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Agree! My oldest is 8 and my mouth is zipped.

My oldest is 12, did I join the club yet?

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:52 pm

Op-did you just have an extremely difficult moment, date, week, month? Are one or several of said children experiencing a difficulty in life which is coming out behavioral ? Is there another issue at moment that is making your life stressful?
You really sound like experiencing burnout or depression etc. Yes a vacation but maybe further intervention for yourself is necessary.
No matter the stage of parenting. If one is experiencing no joy at all. (t doesn't sound like you are happy to see your children ) it is time for support and or guidance.
Hugs

amother

Whitesmoke

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 7:09 pm

Mom of young adults and teens here.

You may need to set more boundaries about how your kids are allowed to talk to you. Calmly tell them they need to rephrase. Or if they're using you as their ATM, you may need to coach them about having an actual conversation rather than just coming in and saying gimme.

Look for times when they're receptive to talking. Ask them about themselves and just listen. It's a different kind of connecting than with little kids. Deeply satisfying, over time.

amother

Cherry

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 7:26 pm

Try your best to create fun family times and spend time one on one with teens. Oldest is almost 13. We have a special day at home off school every month or two. I read to him at night. We shmooze, play games.

amother

Papayawhip

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 8:22 pm

I'm a bit worried when my pre-teen boys will have men's voice, strong, and facial hairs, your pre-teen-young teen can still be cute. In their innocent view towards life. Listen in on your kids talking to their friends. I can't believe how much I thought I knew when I was that age. And I find it quite cute and comical the way that age experience the world. I love when they think I'm so old fashion and they are so cool speaking in teen talk.It could be frustrating when they dont get our adult foresights. your kids are lacking certain skills, work on it. It will help with connecting. They may not look so cute. They may not always listen to you. But make sure your a good role model because they are absorbing a lot of what you do.
They don't have to look cute they are not dolls. They are not yours. They have their own heart and brain filled with ideas.
Respect goes both ways. If your take your kids behavior personal, it adds to kvetchy kid behavior. I think a pre-teen parenting class will help you
Learn about their world. Of course they are going to have their own opinion. They are learning! You don't want them to stay in diapers forever. One day they will be adults. Play games with them, show interest in their interest. I'm not at that stage yet but I have friends who's children became therir friend, companion.Babies are physically draining kids are emotional draining, child will always be the child but one day they will start giving back to you. Work on that relationship now.

amother

Chestnut

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 8:43 pm

I found it really helpful to take the kids out 1-on-1. A few mornings I woke up really early and woke up one kid and we snuck out of the house together. I brought small treats and we went to a pond nearby with ducks and a nice path to walk on. We just had time to relax and schmooze (and listen) and it was helpful for me to have these positive interactions with them as individuals (not lumped together with the other kids).

Other times I’ll go for a quick walk in the neighborhood on Shabbos and tap one kid to sneak out with me (obvs my husband is on board but the sneaking makes it more exciting!).

Or I pick one kid to bake with me or make food for Shabbos. Having these one-on-one experiences are bonding.

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 9:22 pm

Do you have hobbies or things you enjoy doing outside of parenting? Find ways to do things that YOU LOVE with your kids.

If you're into art, or history, or baking, or fixing things, or whatever...find a way to share that love with your kids. Not all of them will like everything that you do, but hopefully you can find one or two things that each kid is willing to do with you. And if you enjoy it, you will enjoy doing it with them, which will make it feel like you enjoy them too. And it will give you something to talk about with them, even when you're not actively doing that thing together.

Also, even though you're not supposed to be "friends" with your kids, try shmoozing with them about real-world issues, just like you would with a friend. Ask them their opinions about things instead of giving them yours. Listen and be curious about what makes them tick. I find that the best part of the kids growing up, the fact that you get to hear their opinions as they develop, see them growing into a "real person" bit by bit. If you're interested in politics, instead of lecturing to them about it, ask them about it. Or tell them something you read or heard or saw that day, and ask them what they thought about it. Don't give them your opinion unless they ask (which they might! once they see that you're not offering it).

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 9:24 pm

creditcards wrote:

My oldest is 12, did I join the club yet?

Not necessarily, each kid has his/her own timeline.

I have a 13 year old who hasn't hit that stage yet. But another kid who hit it waaay earlier than that. Enjoy this time and hope that you have a kid who will individuate in a relatively painless way.

Taily

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 9:43 pm

Is it possible that you are subconsciously still looking for their feedback, to give you satisfaction and approval in mothering?

amother

Yolk

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 10:23 pm

A lot of it is attitude. I have 2 autistic kids and a child with anxiety. Some days are very hard because one of them is having a hard day. I indulge myself. Take out or movie or a good book...I involve my kids in clean up and praise them even if they only do a little. It helps. We all want to be praised. I have a 12 year old with adhd. Praise needs to be specific. Or they don't believe it. I find ways to spend quality time with them. I put national geographic on the tablet for my child who loves nature. It makes her feel special. There are days when I feel as you do. It's ok to sometimes feel used. Try to pamper yourself. It works for me.

amother

DarkRed

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 10:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

My kids used to be cute....
And yes, they were demanding, and I was physically spent at the end of each day. But I look back at some of my old videos and I'm reminded of how sweet they used to be. I laugh at their antics and melt at their baby smiles....

The burning question is, how can I rediscover the joy that parenting used to bring me?

How can I learn to like my kids again?

Any advice?

Yes, they are demanding, and you are financially and emotionally spent at the end of each day. Iy"H in a few years you will look back at your old videos and be reminded of how sweet they are now. Smile

amother

Canary

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 11:09 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Agree! My oldest is 8 and my mouth is zipped.

Same but I’m reading all of the responses because it’s already starting!!

effess

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 12:12 am

It’s ok to enjoy certain ages more than others…

In my experience the things that make the older ages more enjoyable is talking to them, playing with them, discussing with them, go in walks with them. As people, not as your kids per se. Laugh with them, work with music. Take interest in their hobbies. Take interest in their interests. You might find out you have such enjoyable kids.

Deep thinkers, deep feelers, logical thinkers, pragmatic etc it’s fascinating!

dena613

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 12:17 am

Really beautiful responses and ideas here!
I'm going to bookmark this thread.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 12:24 am

amother Blue wrote:

You don't have to like them as long as you love them.

I don’t really agree. I never felt like my mom liked me and it affects me to this day. We have almost nothing to do with each other.

amother

Burntblack

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 12:37 am

Keep pictures of them as little kids inside your pocket (I know, do we women even have pockets? Not fair that men can do that so easily!). Or hang them on your walls! When you interact with a child look at his/her picture and be reminded of their innocence and cuteness. It really helps.

amother

Daffodil

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 1:22 am

amother Yolk wrote:

Praise needs to be specific. Or they don't believe it. .

I have adhd and this line resonates with me but I never thought about it. Do you know the reason behind this?

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 1:25 am

I had a very very difficult relationship with my oldest daughter.
she got married and now things are so so much better and we are so close.
you are deep in the difficult teen years but all your best nachas and joy may just be around the bend.

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