How can I learn to like my kids again?

amother

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 12:52 pm

My kids used to be cute.

When they were babies and toddlers, my kids gave me boatloads of oxytocin. Now they've grown into whiny school-aged children who just need more stuff.

Back then, all they wanted were hugs and cuddles, and so long as all their basic needs were met they'd be satisfied. Their smiles were so rewarding. Their outfits were kissable. Even their drool was delightful. I'd take them places, like the zoo, the park, the pizza shop, and the beach, and delight in their grateful smiles and curious attitudes.

And yes, they were demanding, and I was physically spent at the end of each day. But I look back at some of my old videos and I'm reminded of how sweet they used to be. I laugh at their antics and melt at their baby smiles.

Fast-forward to today. Their adorableness has vanished, their trust in my opinion has plummeted, and their attitudes have gone down the drain. Most of our communication now revolves around them asking for money to buy stuff. Getting them to finally go into bed or to put away their briefcases is like pulling teeth. And there's something about sibling rivalry that makes a parent's spine crawl.

They used to trust my opinion on things like fashion and on how much nosh to take to camp. Now, everything I say directly leads to a disagreement.

It's hard to take them on outings now because of their sour attitudes. I might suggest a day out to the beach, and one of them is going to have a lousy opinion about it and do that pre-teen kvetch.

Although I make sure they have the right clothes, nosh and the jewelry they need to survive the social jungle of school and camp, it doesn't seem to ever be enough. I am always-and-forever being told that "we need to buy another..."

Here's the thing. I never stopped putting in the effort to be a good mother to them. I still do everything in my power to remain patient, to spend time with them, to tune into their emotional world and to make sure their needs are being met.

And here's my problem.

Parenting has become so much less joyful. I don't experience those feelings of gratitude anymore. My kids no longer 'give-back' in the form of gratitude, giggles, oxytocin boosts or 100% glowing reports at PTA.

I don't like the sound of them rushing up to the door at the end of a long day at school. I don't like the sound of them waking up in the morning while I'm still drinking my coffee. I don't even like the idea of taking them on a family trip.

The burning question is, how can I rediscover the joy that parenting used to bring me?

How can I learn to like my kids again?

Any advice?

amother

Hawthorn

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 12:58 pm

As you may already know, your kids and your home life are NOT unique. This is how kids get in the teen years. My kids are a bunch of takers who treat me like an ATM and bite my head off for asking them to help out with the simplest of tasks. My opinions are are all wrong and unwanted. All I can say OP is that it helps to have a sense of humor, it helps to know it's a phase, and it helps not to lose your cool and try to fight every little battle. Take the hugs and smiles where you can and just keep showering with love. This too will pass.

amother

Vanilla

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 1:04 pm

Oh wow I so relate! You put it so well.

amother

Peru

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 1:18 pm

God willing, these kids will grow up and get married and have kids of their own. They'll start respecting your opinion and seek out your advice. They will mature and become pleasant to talk to. They will bring over their adorable kids who will delight you. They will thank you for all you do and all you have done.

amother

Blue

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 2:19 pm

You don't have to like them as long as you love them.
And l totally get you, I wonder how they suddenly seem so sweet when they need something from you and when 30 seconds later you ask them for something the sweetness has disappeared. My oldest is 23 now and truthfully I will tell you that B"H some have become beautiful respectful adults and some have not, but there's always hope...

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 2:22 pm

When kids are allowed to be disrespectful and
Refuse to help in the house

The parent child relationship is damaged.

Schools need to do more to teach gratitude towards parents.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 2:23 pm

Totally relate to this.
I try to remind myself about their positive points. There is plenty there, if you force yourself to look for them. My kids range from 11 years to 6 months and this really helps me.

amother

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 3:03 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

Can you offer some examples of what you mean by positive points?

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 3:06 pm

Go on vacation for a week. It'll help.

yachnabobba

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 3:27 pm

You don’t use kids for positive endorphins
You raise your children because they are a matana that Hashem has entrusted to you.
A job , a hard job, a towering overwhelming job.
You do the job you take care of the pikadon you should feel happy
When you hear that sound think one two three here come hashems kids let me do him proud

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 3:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you offer some examples of what you mean by positive points?

For example, my 9 year old DD is stubborn and demanding and had super high expectations. So I remind myself that along the same lines, she is also a go getter who is super independent and capable and self motivated. Or my 7 year old who gets into fights at school. He’s actually motivated by a strong sense of justice that can serve him well when he learns to channel it. Stuff like that.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 4:34 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

When kids are allowed to be disrespectful and
Refuse to help in the house

The parent child relationship is damaged.

Schools need to do more to teach gratitude towards parents.

I agree with your first two sentences but why is it up to schools to teach this?

flowerpower

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 4:39 pm

My method is to block out the negative. I don’t let it get to me. Otherwise I’d be institutionalized by now. Teens are brutal!!!!!! It’s a whole different method than kids under the age of 12. When it comes to days off I let them do their own thing. It’s optional if they want to join us…

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 4:46 pm

I’m feeling guilty reading this op coz it’s making me feel bad for my mom… I’m one of 5 siblings and that’s exactly what we were all in a different way - a bunch of good for nothing kids who argued with my mom about every opinion and treated her like an atm… now we are all adults and I feel horrible looking back how I acted! But the truth is we were all bad teenagers going through different challenges and unfortunately didn’t have the best knowledge of kibbud av veim and bh now we do try our best to treat her how she really deserves to be treated although it’s still hard coz it’s a bit ingrained the way we used to act… my hubby is the opposite of me as in he has the best kibbud of veim and he helped me realise how crazy we acted to my parents especially my mother. Now if I want to give you advice please be like my mom and don’t take anything personally! I just recently asked her how she handled it and that’s basically what she said… just don’t take it personally! And deep down they love you very much and you love them too it’s just very hard for an adult and teens / pre-teens to have a give and take relationship it’s basically all taking at that stage unfortunately…. But if you continue to be the good mom and be there for then they will learn eventually some sooner some later… and definitely when they have kids of their own iyh!

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 4:52 pm

I guess we moms are all different.
I think babys that are totally dependent on you for every need think Soothing tears and screams Nursing /feeding diapers dressing.....toddlers a little less so but still are very demanding time consuming and emotionally draining.
Yes my teens are big and noisy. Up (out) until late. Some times rude and nasty and disobedient..yet they are mostly physically independent human beings who can be left alone safely and tend to themselves. We can converse and spend time together (at their convenience) play a good game or just share a laugh. Ican count on them (some times and some of them) and most of all I can escape to my room and all will be well! (Unless theirs siblings who choose to fight....)

dena613

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 4:57 pm

yachnabobba wrote:

Wow. That last line was very powerful. Thank you yachnabobba (what a name!!!)

OP, I think your struggle is very common. I feel it too.

And some kid are "easier" to love, while some are "harder."

dena613

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 4:59 pm

Oh, and I'm in a mean mood, so I just have to say this:

I hope imas with kids under 5 don't respond to this thread. Pet peeve of mine when imas of toddlers give parenting advice for kids older than they have.

amother

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:08 pm

yachnabobba wrote:

Ok but I'm not completely cold. I would LIKE to like my kids. It's a relationship.

flowerpower

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:30 pm

dena613 wrote:

I agree. I don’t give advice on many forums that are not applicable to me!

amother

IndianRed

Tue, Jun 27 2023, 5:35 pm

flowerpower wrote:

I agree. I don’t give advice on many forums that are not applicable to me!

Agree! My oldest is 8 and my mouth is zipped.