How to deal with misbehavior

amother

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:05 pm

How do you deal with misbehavior that is inherently wrong? I’m mainly talking about kids hurting each other/biting hitting etc.
DH and I disagree with this. He is of the more old fashioned mindset that thinks there should be a negative association with the behavior and that will eventually cause it to stop.
What I do is take the kid into their room firmly (but not scaring them) and telling them to sit on their bed and they have to sit for a minute or two and then we talk about it. If I can’t go into the room then I tell the kid to go sit on the couch for two min and then we talk.
Our kids are young, anywhere from 0-5.
DH doesn’t think that what I do teaches them anything. I don’t think his way is right.
Any help or ideas? Please don’t tell me to read books or to follow a certain approach, I’m asking for specifically for these kinds of scenarios and what you would do.

amother

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:11 pm

Yeah I’ve tried that.
Walking into the room and seeing two kids have bitten each other and are yelling and fighting… I don’t want to start the whole who did what thing but I also can’t ignore it. Saying don’t bite who wants snack will teach them they can get away with it.
(I’m not talking about babys/two year olds)

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Doesn't matter who started at that point just separate them. Also set rules of what you want them to do when they are upset. Should they come find you, should they call out, should they yell get off of me etc.. give them more tools to use if they are over 3.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:17 pm

In the moment you just try to prevent it, or stop it if you're too late to prevent the beginning. It's true that repeated talks about how you shouldn't hit won't really accomplish anything; they already got that message.

In general you might want to think about what might be some reasons behind these fights. Siblings Without Rivalry is a good book on when to interfere and how, and what to avoid.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:17 pm

Making a child stop playing the game or with the toy they were playing with to be bored and sitting and waiting for mommy to tell them how she isn't pleased with their behavior seems like a reasonable and level headed way to have a negative association with misbehavior.

amother

White

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:26 pm

I don't think you have to talk about it afterwards. Antisocial behavior should get a consequence of having to separate from each other and not have social interactions. You can say "if you can't play nicely with other people, you have to be by yourself in your room. When you're ready to be nice to others you can come out." Talking about it afterwards every time is a reward.

If you see a certain behavior pattern in one kid, you should discuss it with them in general at a different time, not after they misbehave.

amother

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:44 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

I was in the bathroom. I always always say come get me and if I’m in the bathroom stand next to the door until I come out. They don’t usually listen to that though bc it’s hard for them to leave in the middle of a fight.

amother

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:47 pm

I have siblings without rivalry. Separating, what to tell them and how, etc isn’t what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the ‘natural consequesnce’ or whatever ‘teaching them to not do that behavior’. Specifically physical/hurting etc.

amother

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:48 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

DH doesn’t think that works or teaches them anything

BrisketBoss

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's misguided with little kids. The reason they misbehave is not that you didn't explain it well enough the first time. Instead of teaching them not to, focus on prevention and on fulfilling their needs. The idea of 'consequences' is typically that you are using manipulation to brute force your way past the reasons they misbehave, with the hope that they will be too afraid of the consequence. Sometimes this seems to work in the short term and sometimes it doesn't.

#BestBubby

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:56 pm

Say

If you can't play nicely. You have to play in separate rooms.

For a child 3 and over who bites should be punishment of long time out in their room.

I agree with your husband.

As a SEIT I was horrified to see a 5 year old (not my client) repeatedly bite her siblings and parents scolding
" we don't bite" had no effect. No punishment.

I told my client who is older to hit back. The other siblings started hitting back and that is that is what finally stopped the biting.

amother

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 7:03 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

When you say prevention and fulfilling their needs what do you mean?
And I disagree. When I say the word consequence I am not manipulating or forcing anything. I used the word natural in what I wrote above. Natural consequences are when their actions lead to a result. The result can be they need to be separated, and I did that in their room with me (we have a small apt it wasn’t anything dramatic like going upstairs to their rooms. I just needed a space that is clearly designated as theirs individually).

AlwaysGrateful

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 9:28 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Is “negative association” code for a potch?

If not this, then what is the "negative association" he wants to give them, that you think isn't okay?

I think the most important thing to do is to teach them what TO do instead of hitting/biting/whatever. If the baby takes away their toy, what should they do? What about if an older sibling takes it away? What should they do if their sibling hits them? What should they do if they need space because they're in a bad mood, or if they lose a game, or if they think their sibling cheated, or if they're feeling jealous, or if they need some attention from Mommy? Each situation is a skill that they need to learn.

When you talk to them afterwards, are you just saying "don't hit" in different permutations? If so, maybe try figuring out what the trigger was and helping them decide what they can do next time instead. Then try to catch them the next time you see that situation might come up, and discuss it with them before it gets physical -- "I see that Moishy is trying to sit near you and you don't look comfortable with it. Remember we talked about this? What can you say to Moishy?"

Yes, sometimes kids need to be separated from other kids or given some time to chill on their own when they're getting physical. But that's not teaching them anything, that's just preventing it from continuing.

amother

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 10:57 pm

This is the thing. They are two children very close in age who have strong personalities. They love playing with each other but things can escalate quickly. If I sit down with them and try to get to the bottom of it it becomes a ‘X did this to me!’ ‘No Y did this to ME!’ ‘No you did!’ ‘No YOU did! Mommmmyyy’. When I’m with them it’s easier to step in and pause the argument before it escalates into something physical and to talk them through it. After the fact, when one or both hurt the other, that’s what I have a hard time with.

To the other poster- DH means being super firm to the point of scary/intimidating. Where the kids don’t want to hurt each other bc they don’t want that parental reaction. I don’t think that’s why they should hold back, that doesn’t teach them about the behavior itself.

amother

White

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 11:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

You don't need to be the judge and jury. It takes two to tango, if they can't play nicely that can't play together.