Divorce in Charedi Community

Mammato2

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 6:10 pm

Has anyone had experience with children with divorced parents in the charedi Israeli community? If you have a child from a previous marriage but get remarried and change your name, is it awkward that your older child has a different last name than you and your now developing family? How would you deal with it with other people asking your older child questions like "why is your last name different than your family?".

listenhere

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 6:16 pm

I’m not in Israel but my kids each have kids from divorced families in their class. All of them take the last name of where they live at.

One of my kids’ friends changed their last name in 8th grade because his mother remarried. It took them a week to get used to it but they didn’t make fun of the kid.

From what I’ve seen, when they get married they usually take back their real father’s name.

Mammato2

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 6:21 pm

listenhere wrote:

so they take their step fathers name while in school and then switch back to biological fathers name as an adult?

#BestBubby

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 12:51 am

For girls it doesn't matter as much because they take husbands name after marriage.

Main thing is child should have a good relationship with both parents.

Iymnok

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 12:55 am

They don’t legally change their name. They may ask the school to change it so all the step siblings have the same name.
I haven’t seen any different treatment. Generally they don’t talk about it if there’s no reason to.

amother

Opal

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 1:18 am

My stepchildren kept their fathers last name when their mother remarried.

WhatFor

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 2:49 am

Mammato2 wrote:

Caveat: I'm not in that situation or community but I'm familiar with communities where divorce is a stigma. I also tend to take an approach of owning your situation being the best of all options. Imo hiding things that are anyway public instills unnecessary shame, creates low self esteem, and only serves to pander to those who won't accept you or child for who you are and create distance between those who would accept you without judgement. So take it with a grain of salt but this is my approach.

I'm assuming this child still has a relationship with their father? No one should be asking why your child has a different last name but if asked, they can simply say, "I have my father's last name." There are other quirky follow up answers to rude follow up questions, but truthfully I feel like telling a child to deflect would be to pass on a stigma. So if a follow up is asked, "Oh, isn't x your father?" He can answer "He's my stepfather, x is my father." You're mother got divorced and remarried? Yes. End of story what else is there to ask? Oh, I forgot how rude people can be. "Why?" "Ask my mother, she didn't tell me."

If it's a rude adult asking these nosy questions of a child and he doesn't want to answer, he can also just say, "ask my mother. She has this information."

I know people are going to say I don't know this community and how inappropriate, etc etc. My opinion remains that people are going to know. If it's a huge secret, they'll talk about it in hushed tones and you and your ds will know that they're whispering and feel bad about it. If it's out in the open there's nothing to whisper about. You already told everyone and it's very quickly old news.

ETA: I wrote the above assuming that the birth father will remain in the child's life. If not, and people really don't know the background, then I might not apply the above, depending on circumstances.

essie14

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 1:26 pm

My chareidi cousin died and left a wife and several small children. She remarried and had 2 more children. The kids have different last names. When asked, the older ones say, "my abba died and X is my stepfather"

Iymnok

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 1:31 pm

Just to be clear, I don't know anything about the names of the kids from divorced families. I do know that they are included as much as any other girl.
I don't know if many, though.
As far as I could see, they are the same cute girls, with the same friends, as before the divorce and after the remarriage.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 1:42 pm

Most people I know kept therefathers last name - unless the kid was very very young and the father was totally out of the picture

amother

Natural

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 2:39 pm

essie14 wrote:

There isn’t the stigma/awkwardness when it’s due to a death, rather than divorce.
Also, the kids have more of a reason to want to keep his name; to honor his memory.