PSA: Hilchos Hats for yeshiva bochurim

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 1:58 am

Hi everyone, PKL here. I decided to introduce myself up front rather than have people ask if it's me and then have others get upset on my behalf.

So a while ago I wrote a PSA, notifying mothers of yeshiva bochurim that there is a new word that your sons may be employing which will kreech on your nerves because he is using it in every sentence, but you don't know what he means.

Many people told me that my PSA was very helpful , or I think that's what they meant with all the smiley faces.

I followed this with another one or two PSAs on other mannerisms and words that yeshiva bochurim have or use. Every time my son comes home, I learn new things and, being the helpful sort, I want to share this newfound information with my fellow Imas.

I have since been told by some Imamothers that not ALL yeshiva bochurim are like this, which, of course, is obvious to anyone with more than one son. And if your son is of a different shnit, that's okay. But I still think that my PSAs may be helpful to many of you, since, just as one can describe the stereotypical frummed out seminary girl (which may be familiar to anyone who has been one), lechoyra, there are some stereotypical mannerisms of yeshiva bochurim. Some of these words or mannerisms or hangups baffle their mothers. So that's where I come in. I'm attempting to make sense of those ubiquitous, though often mysterious people called "yeshiva bochurim."

My post today is probably not the sort that will be helpful to anyone here, so it's not much of a public service, but, I have learned some new info today which I found kind of funny, hence I'm writing this in the entertainment column. Though truly, for the yeshiva bochur, this is no laughing matter. It's very SERIOUS business.

My son (the one that provides me with all this material for my PSA threads) is very talkative. And yes, I know that many, if not most teenage boys, are punkt farkert. But my son is like those tape recorders. You press play and it goes.

So during one part of his monologue, he was talking about how the 9th graders who come into the yeshiva sometimes don't know the rules of yeshiva etiquette. (He didn't use the word etiquette, obviously.) We are talking about hat etiquette.

Yes, there are rules around when you wear the hat. And how you wear the hat. For real. Please bear in mind that the following rules apply to a typical litvish yeshiva (at least according to my son). I don't know what goes on in atypical or non-litvish yeshivos.

So the 9th grader will often be attached to his hat (since he was just recently bar mitzvahed) and bring it into the beis medresh with him. Then, depending on how savvy he is, he will pick up sooner or later that it's not socially appropriate to learn with your hat and jacket. So you're supposed to walk into the beis medresh with your hat, and then immediately take it off when you get to your seat. People who wear their hat when they learn are, according to my son, "distracting" and "awkward."

But when you get called into the Rosh Yeshiva's office for a farher, you need to wear the hat and jacket. With the brim down. The Rosh is very makpid on the brim down. (My son's RY, that is). He described how one guy went in for a farher and came out beet red because he had forgotten to don his hat.

Now, on Shabbos, of course, you need to wear your brim down. It's a choshuv Zach.
It's social suicide to wear your brim up on Shabbos.

So when do you wear your brim up? I ask.

Well, during the week, if I'm walking on the street, obviously I have to wear the brim up. I'm not going to walk around outside with my brim down. (Duh!)

Also, for, Shacharis, brim up. For sure.

But Mincha and Maariv, the brim has to be down. Avada.

For breakfast, you wear your hat, because you probably have to wash and bench. Lunch and supper, you might not have to wear your hat; it's a machlokes.

As an aside, on Friday, I was in middle of making my potato kugels and I ran out of onions, so I asked him to go to the neighbor to borrow some onions. So, like the shtark yeshiva bochur he is, he put on his hat and jacket to get the onions from my neighbor. I didn't pay attention to how he wore the brim, but pashtus, it was up, based on the rules for hats he taught me today.

He said that one of his chavrusas was considering writing a handbook and distributing it to the incoming 9th graders to help them figure out all the rules that are not officially in the yeshiva's student handbook. Hilchos Hats would be Chapter 1.

The chavrusa didn't get to it yet, but meanwhile, if your son is going into 9th grade, you might try to help him out by sharing these rules with him. Maybe you'll save him some awkwardness during the first few weeks.

You're welcome.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 2:12 am

I may not have a son old enough for yeshiva, but I have a black hatter of a husband so this PSA is definitely helpful. In fact, DH will sometimes ask me if he should wear his hat to xyz event, to which I respond by simply looking at him with utmost confusion. Of course, he may be talking about his shabbos hat, weekday hat, cheap hat, etc.
Can you ask your son what’s the story with the bumps on top? There's a certain way it’s supposed to be done, and if it gets squished I never manage to ‘redo’ it properly.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 2:17 am

PKL. This is great. I've actually never learned these halachos. I've sometimes gotten a taste of them if I've taken one of my sons hat shopping and watched him try the hat in various angles. I'll file away for future reference.

I'm not sure if you're up to it yet, but do you have hilchos hats for dating? (BMG style). My dd is in shidduchim and was wondering of there are halachos based on the patterns she sees.

My only sun remotely close to this is still a few years out and refused to engage in the conversation.

DH laughed, but it's been a while.

I mammesh was considering calling one of my nephews in BMG much to my families mortification, when this thread came up. Can you help?

amother

Lilac

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 2:24 am

PKL does it again.😉
When is this book going to hit the shelves? We probably need to order it now to get I while it's in first print.

rivkam

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 2:27 am

Very interesting! Now I want to understand the hat halachos for chabad. The men always seem to he wearing hats. I wonder what occasions its allowed to not wear.
Your sincerely,
Mom of MO boys who won't get to learn the hat halachos first hand

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 2:36 am

amother Lilac wrote:

PKL does it again.😉
When is this book going to hit the shelves? We probably need to order it now to get I while it's in first print.

Soon, soon. It's almost ready to go. I just need a title for the book. Any ideas?

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 2:46 am

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Sorry, I don't know that the yeshiva bochurim rules apply to married men. I think the main rule that applies to all is- when in Rome, do as the Romans. Just don't wear a toga.

Also you have to look around at the event and see what others are doing. But of course, you need to know which hat to TAKE to the event. The Shabbos hat, weekday hat or rain hat. For that he will have to ask his most socially-astute friend. There needs to be a buddy system. Each bochur or yungerman has to have a buddy who he can call when the need arises, to ask these important questions. There's no way to write a sugya and include every possible scenario.

Also. If he is going to, lemoshol, a yeshiva dinner. He may need to wear a different hat if he is the honoree, or just stam a guy. But then, what if he is the son or brother of the honoree? It gets very complicated.

Regarding the "bumps" on top, you mean the valley in between the two mountains, or the indents on the sides?
I don't think you should ever attempt to "redo" it. Just don't sit on it in the first place. And if you did, it's his fault for leaving his hat on the couch.

amother

Lily

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 2:50 am

rivkam wrote:

As the mother of two Chabad bochurim, I can help somewhat.

First of all, although they look identical to me, a Yeshivish hat is NOT the same as a Chabad hat. Apparently the pinches are different. Chabad needs to have three pinches or something like that. And unfortunately the discount Yeshivish hats don't "hold the pinches" properly. (Certain things must be learned with experience.)

Brim must be down. Always down. Never up. EXCEPT for when it's raining, because if the brim is down when it's raining, the hat may lose its shape.

Hats are ALWAYS worn in public. Walking outside without your hat and jacket is a sign that you are not a serious bochur.

When learning on your own, wearing your hat is optional. When learning with a chavrusa, usually you remove your hat.

The width of the brim is a very serious matter. Lately the style is much smaller brims. If you wear the wrong size brim, you will look either too old-fashioned or too cool.

And finally, do not rely on my younger son to know when it is acceptable NOT to wear your hat. His is practically glued to his head.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 7:24 am

amother Lily wrote:

I would like to add that the hat part itself has also changed height. The older generation prefers a taller hat with wider brims, while the younger generation will only wear the shorter hat with narrower brims.
As someone who sees both my father and DH wear these respectively, DH's hat is infinitely cooler.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 7:55 am

https://www.ou.org/life/holida.....-hat/

dena613

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 8:02 am

Thank you PKL! as soon as I saw the TITLE of this, I knew it would be you and I knew it would be a fun read!!

amother

Latte

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 8:11 am

amother OP wrote:

Soon, soon. It's almost ready to go. I just need a title for the book. Any ideas?

Title:
“PKL-If You Know, You Know”

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 8:46 am

"Hat's Life!"

"My hat brimmeth over..."

"Hat-ov vehametiv"

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:23 am

amother Latte wrote:

Title:
“PKL-If You Know, You Know”

good one.
But what if you don't? Some people refer to me as PLK. So I don't think they know...

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:27 am

amother Strawberry wrote:

"Hat's Life!"

"My hat brimmeth over..."

"Hat-ov vehametiv"

These are mamish brilliant! But very specific to the subject in this thread. I need a title that's a bit more all-inclusive. I think.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:31 am

amother OP wrote:

These are mamish brilliant! But very specific to the subject in this thread. I need a title that's a bit more all-inclusive. I think.

Thanks, I misunderstood the content of your book, sorry! Can you please sum it up and I'll try again 😀

amother

Lilac

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:35 am

amother OP wrote:

good one.
But what if you don't? Some people refer to me as PLK. So I don't think they know...

So you might have to go down the very straight path
" The life of a typical litvish yeshiva bachur- for mature readers only"

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 9:50 am

amother Strawberry wrote:

Thanks, I misunderstood the content of your book, sorry! Can you please sum it up and I'll try again 😀

No reason to be sorry! As someone upthread said, if you know, you know!

Pkl goes back about 2 years with the original potato kugel story. It all started rather inocuously. A few months later, I had a crazy experience with a cleaning lady, which I wrote about. In that thread, someone asked if I'm the Potato Kugel lady. She's the one who coined the phrase, so she should get the credit. Whoever you are, you have won a free potato kugel! You need to identify yourself to claim the prize.

After that, despite being Imamother, I have been spotted and identified about 2 dozen times by my style of writing. Or maybe it's something else, I don't really know.

And sometimes, people have been wrong, such as when they thought I was behind those birthing stories which I definitely was not. I am also not affiliated with the damsel in distress. But I do think the damsel author wrote one of the birthing stories, (vehamayvin yavin.)

So as far as a summary of content, I really couldn't give you one, because I think it's kind of all over the place.

Did that help?

Hashem_Yaazor

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 10:00 am

According to my son, it's always down except when it's up to fit tefillin (hence the shacharis differentiation) or outside to be a bit more casual.

amother

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 10:15 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

According to my son, it's always down except when it's up to fit tefillin (hence the shacharis differentiation) or outside to be a bit more casual.

What about mealtimes?
If I had to guess, I would say that it's up for eating and then turned down for benching.

But only during the week. Shabbos it's down the whole time. That's why you sometimes see chicken soup marks on the brim of their Shabbos hats.

But I'll ask my son to confirm either way.