So where did you send your young couple for Bein Hazmanim?

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 9:46 pm

This was the question asked of me by a friend of mine. Admittedly, she is not someone I talk to regularly, so she may have forgotten that I'm not in her social or financial bracket. But the question caught me off guard.
"What do you mean?" I asked. "Am I supposed to 'send' my couple on a trip? I mean, they did travel a bit, to visit his sister in the Midwest, but I didn't 'send' them. I wasn't involved in their planning, per se."

She went on to tell me that she sent her first couple to Italy, Switzerland and Morroco (booked the itinerary and all) but her second couple was happy with just going to Eretz Yisroel. And that it was something discussed with her mechutanim before they even announced the engagement- as part of the financial conversation.

Honestly, I was totally confused. Is this what people do? No one told me.
We support our married couple by giving a standard amount every month. Am I also required to "send them" on exotic vacations?

Later, I was talking to my mom, who mentioned that my newly married nephew went to Morroco, and why didn't my couple do some fun trip, being that this may be their only chance before kids come along.

Hello, is this a thing by normal people?
By "normal", I mean (fill in the blank).
Is it an expectation that if you are supporting your couple in learning, that you also pay for a trip during bein hazemanim? Well, I didn’t get the memo. Rolling Eyes

DrMom

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:02 pm

I would just ignore this, especially if your "newlyweds" didn't even bring it up.

Is this some sort of substitute for a honeymoon in certain communities?

(Traditionally, in Western secular circles,
the groom's family paid for the honeymoon, but nowadays many couples pay for their own honeymoon.)

amother

Yarrow

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:02 pm

yeah nope. no memo OP. my shana rishona couple (BMG kollel) drove to New Hampshire on a trip they planned themselves. This year they stopped in Lancaster on the way to visiting the grandparents in the midwest. Also completely on their own. We were happy they took these nice trips but we were not involved at all.

amother

Snowdrop

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:41 pm

So sorry you had to field this crazy and uncalled for assumption. My answer would be "How much are you chipping in?"
I imagine this new demand wont help the shidduch crisis, although I admit, if I had to, I would prefer chipping in for such a trip at the expense of a simpler wedding.
Its not worth losing a friend over an insensitive question so Im glad you have this outlet. There are many dan le kav zechus avenues you can explore for this.
Chodesh Tov.

amother

Snowdrop

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:43 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

Never heard of this, but maybe there will be a Post here soon written by your couple about how nebuch they are that mommy and tatty didn't send them on vacation and what kind of parents do they have etc etc....

Not just nebach but outright enraged by the injustice and will need years of therapy to process....

amother

Plum

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:47 pm

Funny cause my mother was telling me where all my newly married nieces and nephews were going and we were discussing how it's a new generation and everyone has $$$. Some were spending time at a relatives fancy villa and some were going in exotic vacations. Honestly it's not my business who pays for what they should all be happy til 120.
OP, my kids wouldn't dream that we'd pay for their vacations.

amother

Beige

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:49 pm

I have two married kids and I do not pay for either one of them to go on vacation. My daughter went on a three night trip that she budgeted for and paid by her self. My son has a little bit better income so they did a bigger trip last summer and a smaller trip this summer. I had zero to do with it, and did not even contribute a penny. And no I did not even feel guilty about that. That is pretty high expectations. I really hope it all the parents can really afford this otherwise it’s just really sad. Honestly I think it’s important for kids to learn how to budget of paper things. I’m selves in there so much happier they do. We have headphones are we need to help we can survive without it, but mostly not to pay for a vacation it was to pay for Basics.

DrMom

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:57 pm

amother Steel wrote:

There's an account on social media by a woman who claims she's an average kollel wife.

She went to the Maldives, Dubai, and Miami.

So I guess it is the average kollel person. You must be out of the times. LOL

Traveling (maybe off-season when prices are more attractive) is one thing.

Expecting your parents to pay for it when you are a married adult is quite another.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Never heard of such a thing.
She wanted to brag.
I would have asked her to pay for my young couples vacation if it's such a *must*.
Would love to see her face.

amother

Oleander

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 1:08 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Never heard of such a thing.
She wanted to brag.
I would have asked her to pay for my young couples vacation if it's such a *must*.
Would love to see her face.

My sil tells my dh, her brother, that we must go on vacation this month, that he has to take us out. I asked him if she is also offering to pay cause we still have bills to pay for and we just got a 2nd hand washing machine cause ours broke down.

She thinks that cause my dh has 2 jobs we must be rolling in money. Unfortunately she lost her dh a few years ago and she has friends that sponsor her trips to the alps, to America etc.

And like someone said up thread, some people can't even afford chicken.

amother

Trillium

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 2:22 am

Anyone here remember Starwoods points?

When we were a newly married kollel couple, we moved to Israel and did not receive any financial support from either set of parents. I worked 2 jobs and DH tutored at night and later began tutoring in the afternoons and nights.

We signed up for this credit card that gave us Starwoods points which was for free hotel stays in a few locations in Israel. I think it was Yam Hamelach, Haifa and Tiveria. During three bein hazmanims, we went away to these hotels using the points for the free nights. We took buses and trains - no rented cars. I remember packing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hot dogs, rolls and a disposable grill. Those were the days! So much fun!

Then they canceled the Starwoods programs and we had kids so we stopped going away and just went to parks or the Zoo.

amother

Freesia

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 2:27 am

amother OP wrote:

They are married to each other, not to you. You are good - doing more than enough by giving them any amount per month - thats not something everyone is lucky enough to get.
You do you - you are doing great.