We're not totally on the same page

amother

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 7:15 am

DH has made some changes in his lifestyle that don't quite fit our community. He left kollel a few years ago to work, and now he needs to destress every night with Netflix and play sports a lot. I'm supportive of who he is, but it's a lot on my shoulders to keep some of it quiet or figure out how to play all of this considering that out kids in are fully chareidi Israeli schools. One of my kids is very obviously confused, and I don't blame it on DH, and it could have happened anyway, but our family being somewhat of a misfit doesn't help. Now DH is suggesting my cheder boy attend a sports chug with kids that are not in cheder, and I can't really explain to DS why it's not quite for him considering DH is all in on this sport.
I guess Im just looking a little to vent and some chizzuk. I can't change DH nor do I want to, but I also don't feel like changing my own standards or where my kids go to school. It's just a lot on me, and leads to confusion for kids.

listenhere

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 7:50 am

You need to adjust this new reality and embrace it. Your kid is confused because you try to hide it, not because of what your DH is doing.

It shouldn’t be all on your shoulders. Your husband will share the responsibility of finding a new place if the current one isn’t for you anymore, especially since it’s due to decisions he made.

Does your husband realize the repercussions of this? Or is it possible that there is plenty of space for what he’s doing but you are too innocent and don’t know?

If your DH wants to have him join a game but you aren’t ok with it and not upfront about it, your son gets confused and you have no chance.

Rather, openly tell your son that you think it’s bittul torah / inappropriate for a Ben torah / aren’t ok with the influence of the other kids or whatever your explanation is.

This will push you to become better at figuring out exactly what you want and why, and in your own way teach your kids to value it. You don’t really understand something until you can explain it to someone else.

amother

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 8:01 am

Thanks for that perspective.

My kid is confused because the school has certain standards and DH has others. Not because I am hiding what he does or don't embrace it. I just don't feel like uprooting our whole life, schools and communities, because of this new reality. I am not different. Most of my kids get this and are ok with it, they realize DH is different, but that doesn't mean they have to be.

DH is also still on my page hashkafically, and agrees the kids shouldn't be in a more open school. He's just in a place where he needs to be right now. He still dresses the part and loves learning and most of our lifestyle. So it's a big balance for me to be like, well, we're like this, but not exactly like this.

listenhere

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 9:03 am

Hugs OP. Change is difficult but this is life.

I’ve seen a few families make different levels of changes in their lifestyle. The kids were all ok except in this one family where they were trying to hide it.

Speak to your kids openly and honestly. Let them ask all questions that they have. Yes in the school they preach this. No we don’t do exactly that. It is right for some but not for us. There are so many shades of being a good yid.

All will be OK with HaShem’s help.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 9:49 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm hearing conflicted feelings regarding your husbands new activities. If you are really OK and supportive, you wouldn't need to make it into a family secret. (are you secretly hoping it will blow over?). Its OK to still be processing this change in your husbands priorities. Its ok to grieve the husband you used to have. Its OK to love a husband who is no longer the person you married. Its OK to want to raise your children Chareidi despite your husbands non-Chareidi activities.
At least life isnt boring!
Yours isnt the first family with this situation. There may be support groups for you.
You and your husband have to have an honest talk to coordinate your parenting so you are both comfortable. You need to set limits - for example he cant bring up at the Shabbos table what he is watching on Netflix. Its not great if your husband unilaterally offers a sports chug to your son behind your back. He needs to talk to you about it first and then together present it to your son. Can find one within the Chareidi community- perhaps your school can recommend one?
I have heard that with good communication, mutual respect and commitment you can make this work.

BTW I am sure your children's schools have dealt with this before and might be more helpful. Perhaps keep your eyes open for another family going through this and ask if the school know and how they helped.

amother

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 10:02 am

Thanks BSD. You're right, reading over what I wrote I am "hiding" it somewhat. If the schools find out they will throw my kids out. One principal already called because DH was seen in a baseball cap and shorts, would you believe some people have nothing better to do than rat out other families? Anyway, I just told her he's into health and exercise and she was ok with that. She has much more on her plate. I can't tell her DH has unfiltered internet and Netflix.( my computer is highly filtered.)
So, no support from anyone else, which is why I am venting over here.
Yes, I'm totally conflicted about it. I respect him and so much about him, and we need to make this work. But it's definitely a change that I have to contend with, and makes the parenting thing tricky.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 10:18 am

amother OP wrote:

Great explanation. Its totally true.
If your husband has unfiltered technology, I wouldn't talk about it in front of your kids. If asked, you should honestly answer, you trust him and dont mix into your husbands stuff.