Unpopular opinion? Don't tell me "I feel bad"

amother

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:11 pm

Am I the only one who gets annoyed or even upset by the expression "I feel so bad"?
Let's say you messed up. Maybe we were supposed to meet up and you can't make it last minute.
Maybe I asked you for a favor and you say no.
Maybe you asked me for a favor and I'm going out of my way to accommodate you.

Why say "I feel so bad"? Now I feel bad that you feel bad!

Say "I'm sorry", say "thank you". Anything is better than letting me know that I am causing you to feel bad.

Especially for the first example. If you messed up and you apologize, I can forgive you. If you only say how bad you feel, then now I'm the one having to reassure and placate you! It should be the other way around.

The second example makes me think 20 times before asking somebody to help me. I don't want to cause bad feelings just because I'm looking for someone to host my son or lend me a cup of sugar! You honestly don't even have to apologize for saying no, but that's at least better than telling me how bad I made you feel just for politely asking for a favor.

When I am going out of my way to help you and you say how bad it makes you feel, then not only am I doing you a favor, now I'm also comforting and reassuring you. Why? Because I'm helping you?? So my chesed is just causing bad feelings?

Anyone feel this way too or am I nuts?

Iymnok

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 12:46 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

It is a colloquialism. You did not make the person feel bad and there is no “guilt “ on you. It is a way of them saying they wish they could say yes, or really apologize.

Could be. It can also feel passive aggressive.
Just apologize or thank them. Don't make it another your own feelings.

Cheiny

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 1:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think you’re reading too much into the sentiment, plus you shouldn’t be dictating how people should feel or what they should say,

It’s up to you to take it in a way that’s comfortable for you and not assign more meaning to it than is there.

lamplighter

Sun, Aug 20 2023, 1:16 pm

Maybe they do feel bad, it's part of an apology. It's saying I feel terrible that I did this to you. It's not about them it's about how seriously they take their mess up.
I think where your reading into this is when you feel like you have to say oh no it's ok because now they feel bad. You don't need to. It doesn't have to be ok, and you don't need to appease their feelings. Accept it as an apology. Leave their feelings as their problem.
I say thank you for apologizing.