Toddler acting out

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 9:55 am

I’m struggling and don’t know what I’m doing wrong. My just about 3 year old started to act out. I kept her home over the summer for various reasons and had a small babysitting group. I bought her activities to do, toys, some screen time etc and for the most part it went well. After babysitting hours we would go to the park, every Sunday we’d go for activities, farm etc etc. over this week all of the sudden she started acting out. She loves her pjs since 2 and I used to be forgiving sometimes when going out, but now that she’s bigger, I made a rule that we can’t leave the house until she gets dressed. She used to get dressed happily to go out, but all of the sudden over this weekend, she didn’t want to go anywhere. Shabbos I made plans to go out but after her nap when I told her we’d have to get dressed she threw a fit and said she wanted to stay home, so I just stayed home with her. Sunday we made plans to go to the safari for an exciting trip, only a big tantrum later and telling her we’re going without her, she got dressed. Yesterday, I told her I wanted to take her to a new playground, she was excited until I she realized she had to take off her pjs, and told me she just wanted to stay home. I’m not handling it. Over this weekend she also started acting more like my baby, crawling like my son etc which is fine and cute, but Sunday she insisted to sit in his highchair and now it became hers and she refuses to sit anywhere else for anything. I’m also trying to potty train her, but she’s refusing that too, and I don’t want to push her. She also has a paci which she’s very attached to. (I was planning to wait till after potty training to take away) anyway, whenever she gets upset or throws a tantrum, she starts crying that she wants to go to bed, and then just lays there till I convince her to come out and play. Her tantrums have gotten much worse lately. I have so much mothers guilt for keeping her home and just trying to do as much as I can, and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I just went into my room and cried. What’s going on, what am I doing wrong. I just want to be the best mother I can be and feel like I’m not. (She’s my oldest for reference and also the first grandchild on my husb side so was always very spoiled)

amother

Clematis

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 10:08 am

Wow sounds so tough! I also have a 3 yr old who has started throwing tantrums lately. I think at this age they want control. So for every single thing lately like brushing her teeth, taking medicine, getting dressed, eating… I started giving her choices so she feels in control. Should I count to 20 in hebrew or english. Do you want to drink before the med or after, do you want to wear a dress or and outfit…I recommend reading good inside by dr. Becky. I also pick my battles so if she wants to wear a shab dress in the middle of the week to camp I just go with it. Hopefully it wont get ruined. Good luck!

SG18

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 7:12 am

Ok, there are a bunch of things going on here :

1. You are not doing anything wrong by keeping her home. I have my 2.5 year old at home, and it's the best thing for all of us.

2. When she tantrums, tell her she can come out when she's ready to behave nicely. You don't need to convince her to come out, she'll come out when she's ready. Trying to persuade her gives the situation more attention/energy.

3. Give a choice of two appropriate outfits to wear. For us, that means two short sleeve weekday dresses.

4. If you say "we won't go out if you don't get dressed-" mean it. I wanted to go for a walk and my toddler didn't want to get ready to go. I told her I would leave without her, and she stayed home with my husband. I took a nice walk. When I got back, he said she'd been crying. She got ready to go, and I took her out for a short walk. Choices have consequences.

5. Don't give in when she asks for something unreasonable. She can't sit in your son's highchair. End of story. It isn't an option. Just like you wouldn't put on a winter hat in 100 degree weather. Age appropriate things can be dealbreakers, as well.

6. I would honestly cut the pacifier. It doesn't seem to be helping her self-soothe, if she's having so many meltdowns.

7. Is she overstimulated? Sounds like she just wants to be home. The pajamas make me think she wants to rest. Maybe less activities? Cut going out down to once every other day.

amother

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 11:43 am

Thanks for the reply’s . Today I officially lost my sanity. Everyday this week she refused to leave the house because she needed her pjs on so we didn’t go anywhere. (My husb works so wasn’t an option to leave her alone ) anyway, today we had planned a vacation to PA I asked her what she wanted to put on, let her choose ANYTHING from the suitcase just not pjs. Nothing worked. (Asked her nicely many many times in the morning) She said she wanted to stay home. We took her bag with her blanket, her juice cup, whatever she liked. (She was already holding her paci so couldn’t take that away) We even went to the car, pulled out of the driveway. I came back inside quietly a few minutes later, she’s by the couch having a conversation to herself. She sees me, asked me if I made food for her. I told her only for this trip and that I was going back to the car. Her reply, ok bye mommy, I’ll see you later…….. my husband and I are ready to pull our hair out, we lost our mind! I’m ready to hide every single pair of pjs. How am I going to get her to go to playgroup this year? (It’s going to be her first year) She refuses to be trained, everything her way. The high chair is the least of my worries right now. Also, my son just turned 1 so he’s already standing, almost fully walked, so if anything she’s going backwards. I feel like I’m the only person in the world dealing with this. She didn’t even care we left. Nothing. Literally just want to cry and forget about this getaway. We planned it and we were so excited to take the kids. My husband is inside now basically forcing her to put on something because it’s already late compare to when we planned to leave.

cuffs

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 12:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think you should start talking about the perks of being older, all the fun things she can do that babies can’t do! Also I know it’s really hard while your in it, but this too shall pass. I’ve had this with one of my children, wanting to be a baby…

giftedmom

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 1:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Did you grow up with little siblings?
Because you seem to think this little baby is all grown up. You’re giving her way too much power, taking her way too seriously, and letting her interfere with your plans like she’s part of the decision making. She’s only been on this planet for three years. Either forcefully change her or put her to sleep in clothes and call it pjs, but either way not leaving the house because she decided she doesn’t want to is giving her way too much power and honestly probably scares her. She needs to know that you’re in charge.

That said
Take her to the doctor. There might very well be a physical cause for her change in behavior, such as fluid in her ears or strept.

amother

Thu, Aug 24 2023, 2:13 pm

Im reading all the comments and appreciate the feedback. Im so worried because it’s not her normal behavior. Yes, she did prefer pjs over clothes before. But she always got dressed happily if we went out on trips. Last week she was sick with a bad virus (no fever) but runny nose and gunk in her eyes and red swollen.) this went on for two weeks… bh this week she was back to herself and all these new things started. I just mention getting dressed and she already wants to go into her crib shlufie. Whenever she gets upset, she wants to go back in her crib. She was never this extreme, and it’s literally like that overnight. (Also starting to act like a baby, and wants me to feed her, sit in the highchair, imitates crawling on the floor etc etc) Ik I can keep her in pjs (and I used to let that) but I told her now that she’s a big girl she needs to get dressed when we go out on trips, just like mommy and daddy. we keep mentioning she’s a big girl, but then she says she has the same diaper as baby and doesn’t want to go on the toilet…. I don’t want to go back on my word, (bec she’s a smart lil girl) and me giving in to this of many things would just make it worse. I trying to not make her be a big girl overnight. I didn’t take her paci away yet, which she’s very very close to, and I’m taking potty training slow and didn’t push her yet either. Maybe it’s all too much for her, idk. We’ve been talking about potty training with her for the last 4-6 months prepping her but she was never interesting and kept saying not today..