What is the simplest bas mitzva that I can do

amother

Ghostwhite

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:43 am

We did no activity, just a melave malka with female relatives and grandfathers, who spoke. Nice food and table decor, in our house. That's all. My girls were happy. Then again, we live very simply in general for our community so they are used to it.

amother

Milk

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:49 am

Go to craftivity. She has tons of projects that are not messy and not painting. We did decorating pencil cases for one daughter and decorating clipboards for another. Not expensive and not a mess. She has stickers, masking tape, and things to decorate with. She has jewelry boxes, cork boards, Sequin art, things like that. Not messy and not expensive and the girls enjoy it

amother

Amaryllis

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 10:11 am

I had a relative do a cupcake decorating activity with the girls. There was very little mess, it was contained to the plastic tablecloth they worked on, and since it was a relative doing it as a favor I only had to pay for supplies which was not a lot. Even a talented teen could run the program or do royal icing cookie decorating and shouldn’t be expensive.
I have a small house but I didn’t see skipping an activity as an option and I did a very low key everything homemade no party planner or dancing not keeping up with the Cohens party at all but I considered it an essential part of the party.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:54 am

amother Pearl wrote:

This is not standard. No one I know did anything like this. Most did in their houses with homemade food and a small activity. Regular shabbos dress basic blown hair no make up.

I didn't realize this was in the Lakewood forum. In MY community it is standard and it's very hard on parents.

amother

Azure

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 12:31 pm

In lakewood, almost anything goes.
With one daughter I bought some mugs and markers and they decorated. I went to a tehillim gemach and we divided up sefer tehillim booklets. I asked a high school girl to teach them a dance. It was motzei shabbos. Only a few cousins and neighbors. The whole thing was over in 2 hours.
Another daughter had no cousins her age to invite so we took a few friends out to ice cream one night, bought her a nice gift. She also got a nice gift from each grandmother. That’s it.
In lakewood most schools do not allow bas mitzvah parties for the class anyway so you really don’t have to do anything big. However if you are inviting people to your house you should have an age appropriate activity planned.

mommy2b1

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 1:35 pm

It sounds like you don’t want to do anything too crafty. Why don’t you do a scrapbook as someone else mentioned?
Buy a scrapbook, big packet of scrapbook paper, some ribbons, glue, scissors, sticker and markers… it’s super easy to clean up and will keep them entertained for a while.
If you want to be extra fancy, get an instax camera (instant film) and the bas mitzva girl can take a pic with each attendant that they can add to their page.
Plus, the scrapbooking supplies never go to waste. I’m thinking of all the different scrapbooks we’ve made in school (ל״ט מלכות, USA regions…) and desperately searched for colored paper at home

deena19k

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 1:46 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

I so wish that in my community simple was done. It's gotten so out of control. We aren't a fancy community but for some reason bas mitzvahs have become really fancy. At this age it's important for kids to not feel different and it's so sad that the norm is so crazy.

Here the standard is:
In a shul/hall
Fancy rented tablecloths centerpieces candles decor (many use party planners)
Buffet dinner
Dessert table with fancy desserts set up like a lchaim with backdrops and balloon arches or flowers
Swag
Music and dancing with a motivator of sorts (some people do high school girls or those just starting out)
Art project
BM girl gets her hair/light makeup done and wears a fancy dress

There are little ways to cut here and there but the cost of this normal is ridiculous.

I made a similar party for my daughter. But honestly, why shouldnt they get a big party like the boys get for their bar mitzvahs?

I skipped the art project and swag, got a dress from a gemach, hired a young high school girl to do her hair , and found a few other ways to cut down.

I just dont get why people happily make their son a big party but dont want to do the same for their daughter.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 1:53 pm

Hi OP, I did hire someone to do cake wars for my daughter’s Bas Mitzva, but I’m wondering if you can do it yourself. It was a ton of fun. If you’re having about 10 girls, divide them into a few teams, buy or make plain cakes, and things to decorate with. Choose a theme and let them have fun! When is the Bas Mitzva? Is it possible to do the activity outside? That will help with the mess. I think if you can run an activity like this (or maybe even hire a high school girl who won’t charge much), your daughter won’t feel less than, if this is the norm in your circles. Meaning, I don’t think hiring someone is what’s needed - just a really fun activity.

deena19k

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 1:56 pm

tzipis wrote:

We are supposed to have a seudas mitzvah for a bar mitzvah. There's no source for that with girls. So it's a nice extra but just not the same. One of the many differences between boys and girls Smile

Right, the actual meal is a mitzvah. But the benchers, centerpieces, music, dress/hair/makeup for the family are definitely not part of the mitzvah... they're also just nice extras.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 2:03 pm

deena19k wrote:

I do simple for my boys Bar Mitzvahs too.
We have immediate family only for the Seuda in my home. I wear a plain Shabbos dress , don’t get my face done or get anyones hair done. There’s no photography or band . We do a kumzits at the end , my DH and boys play musical instruments and the men and boys in the family sing together .

I bake and cook for the kiddush that takes place for the men in shul the Shabbos of the Aliyah (I don’t do a kiddush for the women) and the classmates have a breakfast in school with dancing , boys are not allowed to come to classmates Bar Mitzvah seudos , per school rules

My DH takes the boys to Eretz Yisroel for their first time.
It comes out cheaper (with mileage) and it’s more meaningful to the boys.

I plan to do something similar for my daughter when she’s Bas Mitzvah. A small event in the house and a trip with me to E”Y.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Aug 28 2023, 2:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

tzipis

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 2:04 pm

deena19k wrote:

Right, the actual meal is a mitzvah. But the benchers, centerpieces, music, dress/hair/makeup for the family are definitely not part of the mitzvah... they're also just nice extras.

I guess I'm just grateful it didn't become the norm for the girls (in my circles). Boys are expensive enough! And I don't find that the girls feel bad about it. Girls and boys just can't be compared (girls have less school, girls don't have to go to minyan 3 times a day, etc...). Once the comparing begins, it's endless

deena19k

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 2:07 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

I think thats beautiful and thats the way all bar and bas mitzvahs should be!!

It just bothers me when people make a huge splash for their sons and their girls don't get much.
I'm sure that some girls are fine with it, but there definitely are some that aren't. I guess you have to know your kid.

I had a small bas mitzvah at home and was fine with it. But Im not gonna lie, a few years later seeing the big party in a hall for my brother complete with tons of gifts and out of town guests etc definitely did bite a little. Im sure there are other girls out there who feel the same way.

tzipis

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 2:54 pm

deena19k wrote:

And when my son had to wake up at the Crack of dawn for yeshiva today while my daughter snuggled under her covers till 11, I'm sure that didn't feel good either. (My boys already started yeshiva a week ago.) Whenever my children complain that the other gender has it better and it's unfair, I just tell them that you can't compare boys and girls. They always were different and always will be!

deena19k

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 2:59 pm

tzipis wrote:

And when my son had to wake up at the Crack of dawn for yeshiva today while my daughter snuggled under her covers till 11, I'm sure didn't feel good either. (My boys already started yeshiva a week ago.) Whenever my children complain that the other gender has it better and it's unfair, I just tell you can't compare boys and girls. They always were different and always will be!

I agree about comparing.
However, just putting out there- that as a parent, be aware that trying to get away with the smallest possible party for your daughter while making a huge splash for your son, may be hurtful to your daughter...just something to keep in mind.