I just found out dd is smoking

amother

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:07 pm

She graduated already and bh is going to college and working. She’s home with us and we have a pretty good relationship she definitely gets annoyed at us from time to time but on a whole we chat and hang out all the time. She has been struggling for few years now and I thought she just wanted to be more modern so we excepted that and bought her clothes that I’m not thrilled about. Well I found her smoking outside our house and I’m shocked. And grossed out. Why would a girl want to smoke? And for what reason?? I asked her and she said cuz she wanted to. And she using so much of her money on smokes. Do you kno it now costs 16 a pack?! Dh smokes and I hate it. What do I do now?

amother

Butterscotch

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:17 pm

I'm not sure how much you can do stop it..
I've heard of frum girls experimenting
It's relaxing, way better than drugs..

WhatFor

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:18 pm

I'm so sorry. I'd be heartbroken. Tell your DH he needs to quit smoking yesterday. How can he do something and not expect that your kids might follow suit? He needs to get his act together and lead by example.

WhatFor

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:19 pm

amother Butterscotch wrote:

I'm not sure how much you can do stop it..
I've heard of frum girls experimenting
It's relaxing, way better than drugs..

Smoking cigarettes or vaping is likely much worse than eating a marijuana edible.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:26 pm

I went through that stage myself🙈

A kind mentor explained how harmful it is to a woman’s reproductive system. I stopped cold turkey.

Gotta know your kid but that might be a way

amother

Lemonchiffon

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:29 pm

If your husband smokes, there's not too much you can say to your dd. But I'm with you, OP- its gross, unhealthy, and expensive.

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:29 pm

Why would a girl want to smoke? For the same reason guys smoke. It's just less socially acceptable in the frum world for women to smoke. I'm a regular frum women and I have a real temptation to smoke. But I never did. I keep myself back because of the dangers. I do know frum women that vape.

amother

Calendula

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:32 pm

I also went through a brief stage of wanting to smoke. I was struggling with a lot internally and it was an outlet. I just quit one day and never turned back.
I would keep an open dialogue with her about it and maybe have her speak to someone she looks up to. Unfortunately your dh smoking probably makes it more difficult to convince her to stop though.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:44 pm

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

If your husband smokes, there's not too much you can say to your dd. But I'm with you, OP- its gross, unhealthy, and expensive.

I don’t understand why if her husband smokes she can say nothing to her daughter. There’s nothing wrong with telling an adult daughter that just because Daddy smokes doesn’t mean it’s ok. Any adult child will understand that their parents are not perfect.

amother

Oak

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 12:25 am

amother OP wrote:

Kind of hard to reprimand her for this when her parent does it, no?

P.S... costs 16 what? Can't be US dollars I hope.

amother

Sunflower

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 12:30 am

amother Amethyst wrote:

Agree. I’m not proud of this but when I teach my kids something and they say “but daddy doesn’t do XYZ the right way either”. I tell them “you are right but I guess his mom didn’t teach him, but I’M teaching YOU the right way”.
Nothing wrong with teaching her the dangers of smoking even though her father does it too. Doesn’t mean her father’s lungs look healthy from inside.

amother

Oak

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 12:35 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

Are there really people in this day and age intelligent enough to get into college that aren't aware of the dangers of smoking?

Yes, her mom can tell her anything she likes but unfortunately kids learn from our actions more than from our words.

amother

Sunflower

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 12:37 am

amother Oak wrote:

The mother’s actions are in line with her words. My point is that even though the father smokes (or is dishonest, or abusive, or a slob) the mother can still point out how bad it is and try to persuade her to stop. At least she has one responsible parent who can talk to her.

amother

Lightgreen

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 2:53 am

OP, work on accepting her for who she is at the moment. Hopefully she'll stop when she's in a better place. Right now she's struggling and needs your love. And speak to a professional there's a lot of bad advice here.

amother

Sage

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 3:08 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

This!
"What do I do now?"
She graduated, she's going to college. She knows you don't approve, she knew it before she started smoking!
You love her, you keep on building your relationship, you go out with her...
You can speak to your husband about quitting. Does it bother him that she smokes?
The smoking is a symptom. Most regular girls don't start smoking.
Is she stressed out? Does she have friends? Find out the underlying cause and work on that. Don't mention the smoking anymore.

amother

Azalea

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 3:56 am

How about you say nothing and have DH have a heart-to-heart with her about smoking. Have him tell her that although he does it, it’s a bad habit, he regrets getting into it and that, while she’s free to do whatever she wants, he would recommend stopping while she still can.
Maybe even recommend THC or CBD as an alternative if she feels she really needs something to take the edge off.
She’ll (probably, imo) appreciate such a talk more when coming from a parent who smokes rather than a parent who doesn’t

amother

Silver

Tue, Aug 29 2023, 8:08 am

Tell her to get life insurance because her future children will suffer if they have a sick mommy and become orphans.

Is there anyone who has suffered with this that can talk to her.

I’m not usually vocal about things. But smoking is one thing I can’t stand. I was once in Israel and saw how the guy at the falafel store was selling cigarettes to kids. I yelled at him if he was going to support the orphaned children and widows.

SMOKING KILLS!!!! End of Story
She needs to understand that BEFORE it’s too hard to quit.