DS kicked out of school

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 3:48 pm

He hasn't been kicked out, just suspended until after R"H "and then we'll talk and see where we go from there."

He is suspended for taking papers from the principal's office, which other children proceeded to burn.

He says - and we believe - that he was threatened into doing this. By boys who have been bullying him all year. No those boys weren't punished.

But I cannot live with this child at home 24/7. We only got him into school around Purim. I need a break from him. I can't live with him at home all the time, it's a nightmare and it's hell and I can't anymore.

I've gone from feeling bad for the kid and wanting to support him and help him and stand behind him, to understanding that no one cares and no one wants him and I'm going to be stuck with him at home for the rest of the school year. No peace. No sanity. No joy. No happiness. No energy for the other kids. No time for myself. No time with my husband. Nothing. Only endless fights and arguments and sucking it up and keeping it in and swallowing it all day, every day.

102

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 3:53 pm

You’re spiraling and catastrophizing which is understandable but also totally unhelpful. Take a deep breath and focus on the now. Suspended isn’t the same thing as kicked out. I find it hard to believe a kid would be kicked out for this.
And even if he is, there is help there. You’re not alone.
Also he’s probably better off in a different place

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 4:05 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I am spiraling but not exaggerating. The principal at first told me he is suspended indefinitely. Then shortened it with a "we'll see" but he is talking about psychiatric assessments and bringing in the education ministry staff to see where he might do better, etc. I'm not exaggerating.

I can't live dodging this kid all day long. I did this last year. Last erev R"H I was deathly afraid of giving birth because I knew everything would collapse if I had to take care of a baby instead of rein in this child. (The baby was unplanned. I seriously considered aborting because of this older child, but couldn't bring myself to do it.) We did have several months of absolute hell because of this child's behavior and the havoc it wreaks on the entire family. His behavior is not better, but when he is in school he acts better than at home, and we have peace and quiet (relatively) during the hours he is out. I can't go back to living with him around 24/7.

I spoke to someone who really helped us get him in school and she thinks the chance of convincing the principal is very small.

amother

Mayflower

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 4:22 pm

Where is there help for this and a better place for a DS that’s been kicked out?? My son was kicked out 2yrs ago and therefore there is no other school in the frum world that will accept him. OP I feel for you I’m going on my third year having my DS at home and have gone through similar emotions of supporting and feeling bad for my DS ti not being able to manage his behaviors and exploding and back to supporting him. However much your suffering, your DS is suffering a lot more. He needs your support, unconditional love and understanding. You’re all he has . I’m talking to my self as well as my DS definitely makes it hard for me to always remember this when responding to his behaviors but it is true they need us to believe in them especially when they feel the rest of the world has turned their back on them. That is truly case for my son. You must remain calm and confident for him. Give him the message that you will get through it, no matter what happens and you’re by his side. You must strengthen yourself and realize this is literally pikuach nefesh for him. If a child was fatally ill chas veshalom you wouldn’t be crying no more time for other things . You wouldn’t even be able to think about other things (other than the rest of your kids.) You would spend every minute you could taking care of that child. You have to understand this son of yours life is also at risk, his emotional, social, and spiritual world is at risk and you are the only one who can save him right now. Hopefully the school won’t kick him out and this will all be over soon , but no matter what happens recognize that however much time and energy he requires from you, his life is at risk. Any mother who’s child could be well if they devote their time and energy to the child would jump at the chance and so should you.

amother

Narcissus

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:21 pm

Based on your description of your son and the havoc he wreaks in your home, you cant expect a classroom rebbe or teacher to be able to deal with him and 25 other kids and actually teach! It's not that yeshivos don't want kids like him, its that they are not able to handle it. they have obligations to all the other kids as well, to make school a learning growing safe experience for mainstream children (with wiggle room for diversity) But schools are not rehabs and teachers are not therapists for uncontrolable children. It sounds like your child may need a specialized school environment.

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:27 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

There are four kids in his class who are going to be on Shabak's radar in three years if they're not dealt with now. Like as in stealing bricks from the municipality's construction site, trying to plant explosives (it was a dud) in a hole where the Arabs are working, playing with explosives on school grounds, actual physical aggression towards other kids, copying keys and then keeping the copy and putting the original back where it fell.

Yes DS has his behavior issues but he's not the worst kid in the class and the class was already very difficult before he joined. It's stupid, pointless, and unfair to blame him and punish him while letting the other kids get off scot-free. Especially since they actively lie to cover up their own behavior, blaming other people for it.

I never said my DS was innocent, he deserved to be suspended for a day or two but not indefinitely and not "we'll see if he can come back after R"H" and absolutely if he is suspended I expect the other four involved to be suspended as well - but they were not. Only he was.

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:29 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

Sounds like he can use the help that the school is trying to offer. Work with them. Hopefully they will be reasonable. He also needs help to learn to deal with bullies.

My son used to get in trouble for doing things that other boys told him to do. I explained to him that they are using him.. He BH stopped.

They're not offering anything. He has an approval for help in school and the school doesn't want to use it. The school isn't sure what they want at all.

I'm upset but there really isn't another choice of school that fits our family's hashkafa and needs. There is one other and it refused to take him. But that's it, just two.

And bullies need to be dealt with by the school.

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

So there’s a bigger picture here

amother

Wheat

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's true that your son may be a lot better than them but they have some skills on their side:

Getting other ppl in trouble for their misbehavior

Covering their tracks

It's unfair but schools aren't perfect and they will punish the obvious kids.

Your child needs to learn not to give into the bullies.

Not to do things that will get him in trouble.

These things are teachable. For most kids. And if not there are professionals that can teach them.

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:34 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

Yes these are teachable skills and we are teaching them and DS is learning them, but right now my issue is that I need DS in school from Tzom Gedalia, not at home until who knows when with no end in sight.

I can't help DS if I am drowning. Keeping him home means I drown.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

Look, of course they aren't right but you need to do your best to help yourself and your child.

What can you do to make things better? Is there someone who can help you? This is a very difficult situation. I have a kid who got in trouble a lot, got kicked out a lot too...

amother

Bottlebrush

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 5:46 pm

Im so so sorry op.

Iv had my son suspended before and been given vague answers.

At one poiny he was suspended during coronavirus because he was licking his coat and possibly touching others and there was no end date.
I cried the whole night.
He did go back eventually bh.

I just want to let you know you arent alone.
Your feelings of feeling helpless from being stuck home with him are so so valid.
I really feel you.
I felt the same way.
Felt like my life was on an alternate universe.
Its really really draining.
I will have you in mind iyh.
Hugs.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 6:39 pm

Op, I'm so sorry. This sounds like a nightmare. It must be a strain on the entire family. I'm saying this as a mother whose child dropped out of school by choice. After many months he agreed to go to a less frum school but we didn't think it was a good idea. Eventually he went completely otd, and ended up in a yeshiva for otd kids which was much worse than the less frum school that we originally rejected.

I honestly think that if there is a less frum school available that would accept your child and has the necessary capabilities to deal with his behaviors, you can be saving his life by sending him there. Please, if you haven't already done so, find a chinuch expert who will help you find the best school to help your son. And speak to a gadol who can help you make this decision. You might be surprised to hear that the answer very often is that helping him become a functional, healthy adult is more important than making sure that he stays within the boundaries of your brand of yiddishkeit.