Rosh Hashanah coming and I can't forgive my mother

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Rosh Hashana-Yom Kippur

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amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 10:01 pm

She just pained me way to much that's affected my life right now, I can't answer her calls, I don't wanna hear her voice!
Rosh Hashanah is coming, now what???

amother

Watermelon

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 10:05 pm

Hugs. I can't forgive mine either. And I've been trying for years. So I don’t really have advice, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. And that I'm so sorry you were hurt so badly.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 10:08 pm

I understand this feeling all too well. Do your best to forgive. If she's usually toxic create boundaries and allow yourself to forgive. If usually loving and a healthy relationship, try to move on and forgive. Your life is how Hashem wants it to be, not determined by any human, even your mother. You have some control, but it's really all in Hashem's hands. And recognizing that is the point of Rosh Hashanah, no?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 12:43 am

amother OP wrote:

She just pained me way to much that's affected my life right now, I can't answer her calls, I don't wanna hear her voice!
Rosh Hashanah is coming, now what???

So sorry. So glad you shared, we Mothers need to learn the lesson that hurting our children whether its by neglect or misjudgement or not separating our problems with theirs, or whatever. Some hurts cant be fixed or wave a magic wand over.
I pray in time the pain dulls and the memories fade and you can fill your life with good stuff instead so that the bad gets shoved into a corner....
כתיבה וחתימה וטובה

Thisisnotmyreal

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 12:58 am

Usually we forgive before Yom kippur so you got time. - kidding!

It's really ok. Just tell Hashem you are not holding there yet and the pain is still too raw to go that route. Just have a conversation about it. It's ok. Hashem understands.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 1:28 am

I totally get if you can't forgive, but do you think that if you forgive that means you need to take her calls? And if you can't take her calls that means you can't forgive? I don't think that's true.

Your body might experience genuine trauma from communicating with her. Read The Body Keeps the Score. Maybe not now, but one day, you can come to a place where you can fully forgive her for whatever limitations she has that made her treat you the way she does. This doesn't mean that at that point you need to allow her to hurt you again, whether deliberately or just by you hearing her voice. At least that's not what I believe forgiveness is about.

There are people in my life I was only able to wholly forgive once I was removed enough that they weren't hurting me anymore. It makes sense. It's hard to forgive someone for stepping on your foot while they're still stepping on your foot.

amother

Bottlebrush

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 2:17 am

I feel like I could've wrote this post,op. All night I'm feeling guilty about not feeling ready to forgive her. She wrote me a half apology and asked me for mechila. It's just too raw to even think of forgiving her. And the incident happened 4 years ago and has been ongoing. She doesn't realize how toxic she is.

amother

Purple

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 2:20 am

Work to forgive yourself first then you'll be able to forgive her.

amother

Pistachio

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 3:35 am

I am in an ongoing process of forgiving and accepting my mother. It's a peaceful place to be. I'm doing it by focusing on my part in our dynamic. I wanted her to be open, honest, to recognize certain dynamics regardless of her wants, needs, and capabilities. I wanted her to protect me when she couldn't even protect herself. I thought about and treated her with subtle judgement and distain, I believed that I knew better than her how to deal with what she and I were going through, erroneously equating her experience and mine. The truth is were different people, and we're experiencing this completely differently. The truth is that I have no idea how I would handle what she's going through. Perhaps I would retreat into denial and anger at anyone who threatens that denial, just like she does. My strident honesty, my righteous criticism (not of her, of the situation), certainly didn't create a safe space for her to acknowledge and begin to grapple with the truth. I prayed for her. I asked God what he would have me be in this situation: honest for myself but compassionate and non judgemental for her. Her denial hurts very badly, but it's not about me. I can leave that up to God. It hurts that she can't and won't protect me, but the truth is that God gave me the means to protect myself. Another truth is that it's also ok for me to sometimes be a bit uncomfortable. I'm going to her for part of Succos, something I didn't dream I'd be able to do, and it's giving her and my kids so much joy.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 4:00 am

I've been asking myself if I can forgive someone for being human as it is their human flaws that caused my pain. Forgiveness for their actions and pain can hopefully come one day but I'm not there now.

freilich

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 4:03 am

amother Pistachio wrote:

Just wanted to tell you, you are a true inspiration. I am in awe.

bebrave

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 4:15 am

No one says you must forgive
Hashem doesn't want angels he wants humans.
Sorry for all your pain 😔

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Sep 15 2023, 6:24 am

You know, in the prayers of Yom Kipper we mention levels of forgiveness: mechilah, selicha, kappara. While I'm not totally clear on which one's which, there's different types of forgiveness. You can forgive and put the relationship back to where it was. You can also forgive to the extent you don't want to be avenged. That's also a level of forgiveness. There's even a temporary forgiveness, like I don't want to be avenged right now. That also counts.

It's not all or nothing.

My mother also hurt me very significantly recently. I can forgive her to the extent that I pick up some of her calls, talk to her for a few minutes about light topics, and then have to go. No, it's not the close relationship we had a few months ago. And that's okay. Maybe we'll get back there, maybe we won't. Right now, I'm doing what I can.

When I look at my little girl, I know that one day in the future I'll probably hurt her too. Because I'm human and very limited in many ways. And I can be open that things won't always be perfect, that I won't always be good enough. And that my mother always won't be good enough. That doesn't mean I'm going to open myself up to getting hurt more. But that does me I can have some compassion. And every bit counts.

I'm not comparing or telling you what to do. I assume you were hurt more than me. I'm just highlighting that you can embrace the grades of forgiveness. And find the right spot for you right now. And be open to it changing in the future.

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