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This month is making me doubt my ability to be frum
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Highstrung




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:53 pm
Maybe surprise them with a new toy , Yom Kippur afternoon , something they could build and take apart , like magna tiles, duplo Lego, clics etc. I usually buy new toys for Yom Tov to keep little ones busy at least for an hour or two.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:07 pm
If your husband has adhd do any of your kids have adhd? My 6 year old has adhd symtoms and is extremely difficult when there are consecutive off days. He thrives on structure. I’m so exited for him for simcha Torah Wink that he will enjoy.

We are looking into parental counseling from a therapist who specializes in this for adhd, or possibly aba
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amother
Cantaloupe


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:09 pm
Wow this used to be me
Bh bh it's a few years later and I learnt how to be a mother I love these days , my whole state of being changed my kids are my joy
I'm writing this to give you hope
Learn educate yourself, you'll get there!
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:14 pm
Hugs. This sounds hard. I would lose my mind without all the help I have on yontov
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:48 pm
Can you arrange a play date for your 4yr old with a kid in his class that lives near by? Is there a park nearby? I always bought new toys and books for my kids for RH and Yom Kippur, took them to the park arranged playdates for whoever it was possible to and the younger ones napped which is when I was able to do a quick davening. Seeing that you already have a sensory gym in your basement and using terms like dysregulated it seems that you are already educated in your kids needs and challenges which is great! These children require loads of energy and patience. I know how hard it is. I have been there. I know you just want to sit and relax or Daven or do something that feels spiritual and I’m guessing that’s when all heck breaks loose. Expecting them to occupy themselves is unfortunately not realistic and they will find maladaptive ways to “occupy themselves “ (most likely by hurting and destroying things). It’s great that you have a sensory gym but even that you can’t expect your kids to use effectively and purposefully on their own. You need to set them up , giving instruction and verbal feedback of what they should be doing on the equipment. I have plenty of books with tons of games, exercises, and activities for every child’s need that helps their nervous system stay regulated. I’m happy to share ideas. You don’t need to be active but you need to be engaged. When you want to sit down have your kids drag all their pillows and blankets and put them on floor by the couch. Make sure a good fluffy pile of blankets are there and then have the kids jump into the pile one at a time and then gather them up again and do it again. The key is in your expectations. Some parents are able to sit and read and have their kids near them playing quietly but that’s not your kids. If you can come to accept your reality without comparing to what SHOULD be or what others are like that most likely will already make things easier for you. I’m not saying it’s easy but I am saying the emotional meanings we give to our kid’s needs makes it so much harder and extremely draining. I’m also not saying you can’t have any time to yourself. You could and you should, just sandwich those times in between good structured , engaged times with your kids. The baby should be going down for naps and perhaps your toddler naps as well. If that is the case then at that time you can have your 4yr old do something on his own EVEN if it’s not functional or purposeful give yourself a break at that time. Try to find something your 4yr old is capable of doing there are so many toys today that don’t require much fine or gross motor strength. Magna tiles are great, you can ask your 4yr old to make you something specific if you believe he’s capable and if not then ask him to make you a surprise. My toddlers played with trains tgat they were able to push up and around the tracks . You can guide them from the couch. Tell your toddler everyone is waiting for the train push the train over the tracks for all the menchies to go on… you can direct and engage them from the couch. It’s not optimal and may not work for extended periods but there are ways to build in your resting needs while not leaving them to their own (destructive) forms of entertainment. It’s hard and exhausting but also that much more rewarding when you see all your efforts yield amazing results (it takes time but hang in there). Your doing great. Focus your mind and intention, and expectations on engaging your kids this Yom Kippur with your mindset of caring for the kids HaShem gave you is how you will connect and show HaShem your sincerity. Accepting and facilitating your kids needs is the greatest form of being an eved HaShem. Those in Shul are saying words yiur actually doing the action . Accepting HaShems will is what these days are about and actively engaging in the challenges your kids possess is an extremely high form of serving HaShem. Have a great yom tov.
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amother
Lightcoral


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:57 pm
The thing about having kids and managing is that it's not the same every day. On good days, you're flying high and can handle three more. On bad days you can't handle even one kid. It doesn't reflect on you as a mother, or your choice to have them. It's just the reality of having kids. There will be good days and bad days.

Maybe it's too late at night for me to be eloquent, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:20 pm
If you're nursing and get dehydrated ask about doing shiurim, or in general tell a Rav the situation maybe he'll say your husband should take the kids to the park or something
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:20 pm
tichellady wrote:
Hugs. This sounds hard. I would lose my mind without all the help I have on yontov


What kind of help?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:28 pm
amother Cantaloupe wrote:
Wow this used to be me
Bh bh it's a few years later and I learnt how to be a mother I love these days , my whole state of being changed my kids are my joy
I'm writing this to give you hope
Learn educate yourself, you'll get there!


I don’t mean to get defensive but also don’t see much of my parenting that I can change here. Without giving details that will possibly out me, I feel like I have a lot of tools and react pretty well- if you have ideas of what I can shift I’m happy to hear, but I generally keep my cool, I’m energetic and loving.

It’s my kids I want to be able to support/ give more tools to, but I can’t give them structure in a month with no structure, specifically the days that are yt so we can’t do longer day trips, and 100 times more so on YK where I really can’t be running around. So I feel like they are being set up for failure.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:32 pm
amother Lightcoral wrote:
The thing about having kids and managing is that it's not the same every day. On good days, you're flying high and can handle three more. On bad days you can't handle even one kid. It doesn't reflect on you as a mother, or your choice to have them. It's just the reality of having kids. There will be good days and bad days.

Maybe it's too late at night for me to be eloquent, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying.


Thank you. This is really true and I try to hold on to that.

I also don’t want to share too much for privacy reasons but my oldest can’t walk far. So when we go anywhere off my block I have to push a double and babywear. I do it all the time but I cannot on Yk. I just physically cannot.

Bh for the one play date I have coming here. Anyone with good toy ideas I’ll take those- we have clicks we take out only for yt otherwise we have the classic magnatiles/ Mentchies/ dress up and car garage. We also have outdoor toys if the weather is good.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:36 pm
amother Black wrote:
Can you arrange a play date for your 4yr old with a kid in his class that lives near by? Is there a park nearby? I always bought new toys and books for my kids for RH and Yom Kippur, took them to the park arranged playdates for whoever it was possible to and the younger ones napped which is when I was able to do a quick davening. Seeing that you already have a sensory gym in your basement and using terms like dysregulated it seems that you are already educated in your kids needs and challenges which is great! These children require loads of energy and patience. I know how hard it is. I have been there. I know you just want to sit and relax or Daven or do something that feels spiritual and I’m guessing that’s when all heck breaks loose. Expecting them to occupy themselves is unfortunately not realistic and they will find maladaptive ways to “occupy themselves “ (most likely by hurting and destroying things). It’s great that you have a sensory gym but even that you can’t expect your kids to use effectively and purposefully on their own. You need to set them up , giving instruction and verbal feedback of what they should be doing on the equipment. I have plenty of books with tons of games, exercises, and activities for every child’s need that helps their nervous system stay regulated. I’m happy to share ideas. You don’t need to be active but you need to be engaged. When you want to sit down have your kids drag all their pillows and blankets and put them on floor by the couch. Make sure a good fluffy pile of blankets are there and then have the kids jump into the pile one at a time and then gather them up again and do it again. The key is in your expectations. Some parents are able to sit and read and have their kids near them playing quietly but that’s not your kids. If you can come to accept your reality without comparing to what SHOULD be or what others are like that most likely will already make things easier for you. I’m not saying it’s easy but I am saying the emotional meanings we give to our kid’s needs makes it so much harder and extremely draining. I’m also not saying you can’t have any time to yourself. You could and you should, just sandwich those times in between good structured , engaged times with your kids. The baby should be going down for naps and perhaps your toddler naps as well. If that is the case then at that time you can have your 4yr old do something on his own EVEN if it’s not functional or purposeful give yourself a break at that time. Try to find something your 4yr old is capable of doing there are so many toys today that don’t require much fine or gross motor strength. Magna tiles are great, you can ask your 4yr old to make you something specific if you believe he’s capable and if not then ask him to make you a surprise. My toddlers played with trains tgat they were able to push up and around the tracks . You can guide them from the couch. Tell your toddler everyone is waiting for the train push the train over the tracks for all the menchies to go on… you can direct and engage them from the couch. It’s not optimal and may not work for extended periods but there are ways to build in your resting needs while not leaving them to their own (destructive) forms of entertainment. It’s hard and exhausting but also that much more rewarding when you see all your efforts yield amazing results (it takes time but hang in there). Your doing great. Focus your mind and intention, and expectations on engaging your kids this Yom Kippur with your mindset of caring for the kids HaShem gave you is how you will connect and show HaShem your sincerity. Accepting and facilitating your kids needs is the greatest form of being an eved HaShem. Those in Shul are saying words yiur actually doing the action . Accepting HaShems will is what these days are about and actively engaging in the challenges your kids possess is an extremely high form of serving HaShem. Have a great yom tov.


This was very helpful and validating, thank you. Things did get a lot harder when my toddler stopped napping, that used to be a great reset but she refuses to for the last while. I think I may set them up in separate stations and see how it goes.
I guess it just looks like those around me have it easier. Their kids are often playing without them.
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giftedmom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:48 pm
BC really is the answer, definitely if you’re doubting being Frum. It’s plain as day that having two toddlers and a baby is beyond overwhelming. It will get way better as long as you don’t keep piling them on every year.
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amother
Steel


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:58 pm
I get a few new toys for Yom kippur to keep the kids busy on the hardest day.
I also line up little 1 oz cups on the counter one per child and fill them with a chocolate chip every time there's good listening. Every 10 chocolate chips is time for a chocolate chip party. I give them easy instructions at first so that they can start to fill up their little cups and be motivated to keep receiving more.
Books that are quiet activities like search and find or hidden pictures are great for a few minutes of quiet.

It's hard, really really hard. Daven that Hashem will make it easy on you.
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:59 pm
amother OP wrote:
Would love ideas but FTR I have been actively working to troubleshoot.

Some things we tried - melatonin, charts, prizes, I basically have a sensory gym in my basement.

The only thing that seems to work is to divide them but it’s not sustainable.


4 is a little young for melatonin. Yom tov is hard with little kids. Can you go to or host relatives that can help play with the kids. Or make play dates or meal plans. Switch up what isn’t working. Also you can probably get a heter for shiurim.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 11:17 pm
amother Charcoal wrote:
4 is a little young for melatonin. Yom tov is hard with little kids. Can you go to or host relatives that can help play with the kids. Or make play dates or meal plans. Switch up what isn’t working. Also you can probably get a heter for shiurim.


So we tried the melatonin (dr recommended) but didn’t find it helpful. We used it only once or twice. I just thought that’s an obvious suggestion ppl would have because the lack of sleep obviously makes everything worse.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 11:18 pm
amother Steel wrote:
I get a few new toys for Yom kippur to keep the kids busy on the hardest day.
I also line up little 1 oz cups on the counter one per child and fill them with a chocolate chip every time there's good listening. Every 10 chocolate chips is time for a chocolate chip party. I give them easy instructions at first so that they can start to fill up their little cups and be motivated to keep receiving more.
Books that are quiet activities like search and find or hidden pictures are great for a few minutes of quiet.

It's hard, really really hard. Daven that Hashem will make it easy on you.


Any specific book/ activity recommendations for the 4 and two year old? The only books they usually “read” themselves are the noisy ones but maybe if I found cute flap ones that would hold their attention.
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, Sep 19 2023, 11:29 pm
amother OP wrote:
This was very helpful and validating, thank you. Things did get a lot harder when my toddler stopped napping, that used to be a great reset but she refuses to for the last while. I think I may set them up in separate stations and see how it goes.
I guess it just looks like those around me have it easier. Their kids are often playing without them.


when a toddler stops napping is truly the hardest stage. When my kids do that they are in bed by 6! Looking at others around us and seeing that most kids do not need the level of interaction ours need can be very upsetting and causes our load to feel a lot heavier (I even had others comment to me why I don’t just sit , what do I think I am a kindergarten teacher…. As if I had a choice 🙄😬) try reframing your mindset these next few days, accept the challenges HaShem put in your life that are truly tailored made and specific to you and your kids. Going into YK accepting your kids and their needs is an extremely high level of avodas HaShem.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:01 am
amother OP wrote:
Thank you. This is really true and I try to hold on to that.

I also don’t want to share too much for privacy reasons but my oldest can’t walk far. So when we go anywhere off my block I have to push a double and babywear. I do it all the time but I cannot on Yk. I just physically cannot.

Bh for the one play date I have coming here. Anyone with good toy ideas I’ll take those- we have clicks we take out only for yt otherwise we have the classic magnatiles/ Mentchies/ dress up and car garage. We also have outdoor toys if the weather is good.


What about a marble run? You can’t leave them alone with it , but it can be pretty fascinating for them and might keep them occupied as long as you help them with it .
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:09 am
amother OP wrote:
Because I love other days off! we go on trips, big and small, the zoo the grocery etc. they really arent that bad when they have structure and get out, I enjoy them, we struggle with bedtime and there’s harder moments but it’s not a whole day of spiraling -few moments of relative peace and boom again.

I don’t get sleep but I am not fasting above my usual exhaustion! (tisha baav I had to break by chatzos I just couldn’t ).

Tried finding a young girl and couldn’t . I have one scheduled play date and cleaning help for some of the day.


I say the same! They were home the day after rosh hashana and I was enjoying the day! But yom tov is miserable!

The options to do are more limited, no cars, no bikes, no elevators. Usually also the stress of serving large meals which the children are not interested in and there’s no way to prepare with them underfoot so they become the bother. And the list goes on
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:18 am
amother Charcoal wrote:
What kind of help?


Our shul has childcare during davening and I get babysitting help on Yom Kippur since I’m a bad faster
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