This month is making me doubt my ability to be frum

Trademark

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:20 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Where does frum come into play here? You have 3 close in age and that is overwhelming. None jews don’t do day camps and their kids are home for 11 weeks straight. Same with many legal holidays and long winter breaks…plus school only starts at 5-6 years.

What do think families where both parents work do?

They also have daycare and preschool and summer programs.

They are not all sahms.

amother

Charcoal

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 2:12 pm

tichellady wrote:

Couldn’t disagree more. This is a very intense and stressful month. Non Jews don’t do day camp? Where I live people have childcare for their kids almost every day of the year- and are not expected to make huge meals and fast while caring for their kids

If both parents work then they send to daycare or sometimes babysitter. But you must live in a wealthy area if most people have childcare for their kids almost every day of the year. Even working parents have breaks from daycare during holidays and summer break where they have to scramble and take care of their kids. Raising kids is hard work.

miami85

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:52 am

amother OP wrote:

It was 3x on one day- during one incident when he was pulling my hair and would not let go. We are reaching out to help because he is having a hard time.
What would u do?

But I didn’t potch from anger, I potched to get him off me.

A trick I learned is if you press the back of the knuckles while they are grabbing it forces the hand to release. If it's still not working or happens again

How I would a different type of hurting you it is 1)"Stop"...2) You need to Stop right now 3)I'm going to count to three and if you don't stop then I will give a potch, he should release.4)If still not then enforce your statement, and then once you've both had time to calm down talk about how you love him but he was doing something hurtful/dangerous and its your job to keep him safe and that you love him.

Abuse is harming without regard for one's feelings. Discipline is helping a child stay in control to be their best.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 1:27 am

miami85 wrote:

Why are you threatening to potch? This isn’t what’s in the child’s best interest. Really outdated approach. Follow Blimi Heller’s status. It’s very helpful and practical.

miami85

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 9:38 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

Why are you threatening to potch? This isn’t what’s in the child’s best interest. Really outdated approach. Follow Blimi Heller’s status. It’s very helpful and practical.

You are threatening to enforce your rule. If the child is hurting someone, I need to make sure the child doesn't do that again. It's not about "hurting" someone, its about letting the child know that if they continue their action, it will result in an unpleasant consequence. a "potch" is different than a "hit"--in that it's directed at a padded part of the body which shouldn't "hurt" as much as "sting a bit" You aren't trying to "hurt" your child chas v'shalom. The REAL goal is to get the child to stop by number 2. If you have good authority over your children, they will stop before you have to carry out your threat. You are showing control, and instilling a level of trust that I will only do it if I say I will do it and only after I have given you a chance to do something different. It's not about "humiliation" or having a different parent be the "bad guy"--ie. "Just wait until your father comes home". It's about establishing OUR relationship with each other.

And like I said before, if it is done right--it should rarely need to be done, if at all.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 10:10 am

miami85 wrote:

I’m sure you mean well, but you’re rationalizing potching.

Potching or threaten to potch ( which is almost as bad as potching itself) is never ok( or good parenting).

There are much better ways to instill respect then threatening to hurt your child.

Potching is hurting your child, no need to whitewash it or be in denial.

I encourage you to learn better effective techniques and to change your approach. Good luck!!

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 10:23 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s ok to lose it and make mistakes. We all make mistakes. I would apologize to my child and and learn self regulation techniques. Our children become regulated from us being regulated. So the first change is to change ourselves. Staying centered, staying regulated.

It’s hard work but very worthwhile. If a child is hurting you, you can gently remove yourself from the area and move to a safer location while you recenter yourself.

Frum or not frum, it’s never optimal to rely on school and childcare to raise our children. It’s healthy for you and for your kids for you to be able to raise them and nurture them for a block of time. For your oldest it’s important to be mindful that he is too still a toddler and needs lots of love, snuggles and affection. Physical affection goes a long way in regulating a toddler. Good luck!

tichellady

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 11:11 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Daycares here are closed maybe 3 weeks of the year. People plan for those weeks in advance and usually go on vacation or have family visit. Of course raising kids is hard work and of course this month with school closed and all the chagim is very hard! I’m confused why you won’t admit that

oakandfig19

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:07 pm

It sounds like you’re really burnt out and don’t get time to yourself. I think self care and prioritizing your needs will go a long way. You said you didn’t daven at all in RH- couldn’t your husband watch them for a half hour while you daven? I think it’ll help you a lot to be firm with your husband and ask for his help so you can take care of yourself. You deserve to be well rested and daven too. If you need to, hire a non Jewish babysitter so you can spend much of YK davening or reading. And find out about shiurim since you’re nursing.You owe it to yourself.

amother

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:25 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

I’m really not appreciating your patronizing tone when you clearly didn’t read the thread. I spend lots of time with my kids. Including 6+ weeks straight this summer Baruch hashem.

I also couldn’t physically untangle him from my hair so there was no leaving, and lost my cool, and apologized.

I do agree that physical affection works.

Listen, I’m definitely feeling better a few days post RH, but I can’t say I don’t resent so much of this. Not the taking care of children part, it’s the YT doesn’t accommodate children or mother (in my community) part.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 2:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Totally relate.

amother

Daisy

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 2:54 pm

Mamushka wrote:

Please, drink shiurim!
For us it works, to have structure. The kids get used to Shabbes/YT being in this structure.
Talk to the kids. Tell them what your plans are for YT.
Gmar Chatima Tova

Do NOT drink shiurim without speaking to a Rav. It's Yom Kippur

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 3:04 pm

Mamushka wrote:

Please, drink shiurim!
For us it works, to have structure. The kids get used to Shabbes/YT being in this structure.
Talk to the kids. Tell them what your plans are for YT.
Gmar Chatima Tova

You can't just drink shiurim without a heter from a rov. This is the most chomur day of the year.
The fast itself is what is mechaper.
For those who need it, it's a lifesaver. But ONLY with a rov's heter.