So hurtful | Imamother

amother

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 5:12 pm

I have a toddler and a newborn.
Asked my husband to stay home (not the whole YK just come back at some point to check in on us) I don’t fast well since having kids and am nursing a lot with the newborn. And my toddler is very high energy couldn’t get a babysitter and family isn’t around or helpful.
DH: so are you telling me all the husbands are skipping shul?
Me: no but most people aren’t solo with two under two
DH: yeah most people have five more kids to take care of.
.

I’m really hurt. Not only did he reject my requests for help, when every halachic authority states that if a women needs help to fast her husband should prioritize helping- but he insulted me for not having more children which, is a touchy issue for me. I’d like more children this is just what HaShem has planned for me at this point in my life.
Anyway. My husband never apologizes so it’s useless trying to get him. I’m just stewing.

amother

Hyssop

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 5:40 pm

My husband is like this too. I remind him every year of the story with the alter Rebbe who, on kol nidrei night, showed up late to shul. Why? Because he went to the edge of town where there was a sick woman in bed with a new baby. The Rebbe proceeded to cut up wood to light a fire and cook soup for the poor woman. Only after the woman ate did the Rebbe head to shul.

But he only sees/hears what he wants to. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I hope your fast went well.

I like to tell myself that all his davening, learning and shul time is in my zchus and Hashem should send me all the brochos and kochos.

#BestBubby

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 5:53 pm

I am sorry.

Buy lots of nosh and new toys for toddler.

Maybe there is a neighbor you can take turns watching the kids.

Sometimes you can hire an 11 y.o. to be mothers helper.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:21 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

You should talk to a rov together and get some hadracha

This. You should talk to a Rav together.
DH started being home for hours on yom kippur after he heard from his Rav that it's ok and priority.
I don't think OP's husband meant to be hurtful or realizes he was hurtful, he was just talking realistically/literally what he see's in shul, which is correct. Most men are not home, which is why, if a wife needs her husband home, it's important for the husband to hear from his Rav that it's fine.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:26 pm

Many husbands have very unrealistic expectations of what recovery from birth looks like. Been there, done that. Now I'm the woman with "five older kids" and believe me it's actually easier now because I have other people who can get the toddler a drink, or watch the baby for a second while I go to the bathroom, etc. And you can tell your husband that I said that. There's nothing easy or doable about fasting at your stage, and when I was at that stage I went to my mother's house for Yom Kippur.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:27 pm

My husband came home 3 or 4 times today to check on me. And yes we only have a baby and a toddler
I'm not a great faster and bh he agrees that this is a priority. I'm very lucky to have him

amother

Maple

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:27 pm

amother Obsidian wrote:

This. You should talk to a Rav together.
DH started being home for hours on yom kippur after he heard from his Rav that it's ok and priority.

I really, really hope it was pikuach nefesh.

OP, many, many (almost all) women I know are home with a lot of little kids for the whole Yom Kippur.

This is the one time I want dh in shul: Yom Kippur brings out certain feelings that regular davening doesn't. It's his chance to express regret for the past, and to daven he shouldn't do it in the future. I'm only hurting myself if I take that away.

happy chick

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:29 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

My husband came home 3 or 4 times today to check on me. And yes we only have a baby and a toddler
I'm not a great faster and bh he agrees that this is a priority. I'm very lucky to have him

Very lucky, indeed. But not helpful for OP.

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:29 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

My husband came home 3 or 4 times today to check on me. And yes we only have a baby and a toddler
I'm not a great faster and bh he agrees that this is a priority. I'm very lucky to have him

But why share this on this thread...?

amother

NeonGreen

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:32 pm

I'm the mother with 5 kids!!! My yk are even easier than when I was a girl. I get to sit on the couch all day reading \davening. My 9 year old dd and friends entertain the others all day, I also do not have a nursing baby. Hang in there .., my dh is an awful faster and when I was your stage I was running to knock on neighbors doors to get their dhs to go to rav to find heter for dh to take Advil ect. Its soooo hard but will get easier with time.

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:35 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

So op can realize that what her dh said is not true

I think OP already knows that. I can guarantee it's not helping her to hear that someone else's husband was kind enough to check in on her multiple times over YK.

I don't think she meant to be mean, but it's truly tactless to mention here.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 6:45 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

I'm sorry if it came across as tactless or mean. It was more meant as a reality check for her husband that it is very very normal and typical for a wife to need her husband on yk.

notshanarishona

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 7:31 pm

amother Maple wrote:

This is extremely judgmental and warped thinking. The mitzvah of the day is to fast, if I can’t manage to fast and watch my kids , then it’s a bigger mitzvah for my husband to stay home even all day if necessary just so that I can fast. This has been confirmed by multiple poskim. Fasting is a bigger mitzvah than davening. You don’t need to wait for it to be pikuach nefesh, you are supposed to preempt getting that sick

smss

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 7:37 pm

amother Maple wrote:

This is a very misguided and insensitive thing to say, which you obviously realized when you chose to go amother.

It's not too late to delete your post and try again, or bow out of this thread if you can't find it within you to post from a place of compassion.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 7:38 pm

5 kids home is way easier than 2 little ones. Nursing can be pikuach nefesh when you lose the strength to hold your newborn and keep your little one safe.
I learned this the hard way and later spoke to a Rav who said to do Shiurim if I was going to be getting to the point that I couldn't care for my kids safely. The right thing to do would be for the husband to come home and help, but otherwise speak to your Rav about Shiurim. (even for next year).
Feel good.

csstb

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 7:41 pm

amother Maple wrote:

This is really unhelpful and ignores a halachic reality. It is more important for a husband to make sure his wife can fulfill her mitzva deoraisa than to be in shul the whole time. Pikuach nefesh is not relevant.

Also, their are plenty of ways a man can plan it out that he does all the above and also fulfills his obligation of davening bitzibbur.

Not to mention that when it comes to viduy (and teshuvah), those are incumbent on women as well, so his doing it at the expense of his wife instead of helping in a way they can both do it seems misguided.