Anyone else not a fan w meals with lots of ppl?

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 3:47 pm

A friend of ours always has like 12-15 adults at her meals, and husband and I just aren't fans of meals like that with lots of people. I'm wondering if other people feel that way. We're both a bit introverted and prefer a meals with 6-8 or adults where you can get to know everyone (or catch up with everyone if you know them), and these meals with a lot of people often feel stressful and chaotic and overwhelming. Plus, it's harder to connect with anyone beyond the few people who happen to be sitting right near you. It just makes us almost feel like we're back at a college campus chabad house.

I suspect I'm going to get flamed for being an ungrateful grump for complaining about someone who had the kindness to invite us for a meal, so let's just put that aside. I'm certainly grateful to anyone who invites us and I understand that some people have a "the more the merrier" view for a variety of different reasons. But that doesn't mean I can't have feelings and likes and dislikes. I'm curious if anyone else feels this way that they're more comfortable at a more intimate meal than a larger meal.

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 4:07 pm

amother Honey wrote:

Me! I am pretty outgoing but my preference is that the table engage in 1 conversation not 2 or 3. My sweet spot is 6 adults. 8 max. I find more than that to lack cohesion

I totally agree -- 6 ideal and better than 8 IMHO. With 8, sometimes you get 1-2 dominant talkers who monopolize the conversation and it's harder for the more quiet people to get a word in, or sometimes the table breaks into 2 conversations. With 6, I feel like everyone is able to comfortably talk and really get to know each other and get into meaningful conversations.

amother

Starflower

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 4:15 pm

I actually prefer 8, if it is all adults, this way everyone sits between the person of the same gender and their spouse, and everyone has a buddy. With 6, I often find 2 women are closer and one is a little out.

Regarding the number to invite, I do prefer the 6-8 over a crowd, but then I start to think that I am already cooking, I already had to clean, why not be more inclusive. Invite the person who so gracious had us but am never excited to have, invite the divorced woman who lives down the block. Tell my friend who is coming to please bring her 70 yo widower FIL who lives in our community, why should he be alone, I’m already cooking….. and then somehow I have 12.

zaq

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 9:52 pm

OP, an invitation is just that: an invitation. Not a royal summons. You're under no obligation to attend. I would, however, tell mine hostess the reason why I'm not accepting her so-gracious invitation. I wouldn't want her to think I'm rejecting her friendship, which she could hardly be faulted for thinking if you repeatedly turn her down. Who knows, maybe she'll make an exception and invite you alone, or you and only a handful of others instead of a quiverful.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 4:38 am

zaq wrote:

Yeah it's not a royal summons, but repeatedly rejecting invitations could be hurtful to people. Also, the truth could be hurtful to people and my understanding is a white lie is halachically okay and sometimes better than the truth if the truth would make someone feel bad. My general practice in these situations has been that the least-bad solution where a friend regularly invites you is to turn down most of the invitations and accept them once in a while and "suck it up" and go and have the best time you can.

amother

Starflower

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 4:57 am

amother OP wrote:

As one who invites more often than we are invited, another good rule, especially if you do want to be friends, is to thank profusely for thinking of you (not untrue) and invite them to come to you the following (or in 2 weeks). It is on your terms that you get to enjoy their company.
People who I invite 3 times and they decline all 3 without inviting me back don’t get a further invite. (And TBH if they are newer and we were not already good friends, I stop bothering to try to befriend them.)

imaima

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 5:03 am

amother OP wrote:

I am same. I live meals with fewer guests and deeper discussions.

amother

DarkGray

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 5:41 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Why would anyone would flame you? You are entitled to your opinion . And then you can choose to accept the invites or not . What you can’t do, is tell your host what to do .

Exactly. Every host or hostess has people turn down their invites. We know it doesn't always work for people to come to us when we want them to and that's OK. What's not OK is to tell me they'll only come if I do xyz,like inviting fewer people, have a longer/shorter meal, sing more/sing less
These are all conditions I've gotten if I wanted certain guests to come.
Well, I invite because I want to have you. It's up to you if you except or not but you can not have me run my meals to your expectations, if that's the case, please stay home.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:15 am

amother Starflower wrote:

See, it's super tricky when it comes to friends. I like to host, so if there's people I like and who regularly come to us and gladly accept our invitations, it's all the more weird to continually reject their invites. They feel like they want to have us over to reciprocate since we invite them over, so it'd be awkward to always reject them and it would probably make them feel better if we went to them once in a while. Am I making sense?

mommy3b2c wrote:

Why would anyone would flame you? You are entitled to your opinion . And then you can choose to accept the invites or not . What you can’t do, is tell your host what to do .

This forum is generally amazing and most people here are super nice and helpful, but I find that there's a contingent of angry imas on here who are looking to shame and scold the OP to make themselves feel better. I'm sure there's some people out there ready to shame me saying there's lonely divorcees who never get invited to meals and would be glad to go to any meal with 6 or 60 people, and the nerve of me to complain about having to go to a meal with 12 people and I'm ungrateful that our host decided to open her home to some nebachs instead of having an intimate meal with us because that's what I like.

amother

Tomato

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:31 am

amother OP wrote:

I totally get you op.

I agree with your later posts that you should probably just go every loong while and invite her in-between.

Agree you cant tell her what to do, but if youre close enough and you think shes insulted by your declines you can explain youre not comfortable in large crowds. But only by way of explanation.

I really feel for you. I have a relative that always has large crowds, lives far away so if we go (usually for a yom tov) im trapped there with meals that feel like shobbos sheva brachos but im not related to anyone. I just want to collapse, but I go help in the kitchen and make snall talk with the lady next to me while running to the kids tabmecti help my kids w food and dealing with kids hanging frim me. Its family, and we have to go if we want our kids to know them, but I try to stretch it in between as I cant really handle the meals and for me personally feel like I dont spend time with the relative so why did I bother (kids do great, thats why I bother).

(I know pple will ask - dont worry. We host them too when they come through our area, but usually its midweek and usually they are not with their kids. They have boys oot in yeshiva so will not go away yom to. I have either been pre mesivta or now my boys are old enough but in town, so I go there).

Ema of 5

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:48 am

amother OP wrote:

Not everyone enjoys a crowd, and that’s ok. Some people don’t like hosting at all. Some people don’t like being a guest at all. Some people prefer smaller meals. Some people prefer bigger meals. All are acceptable.