I'm Ashkenazi and married Sefardi AMA

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 12:04 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

I'm sephardi, first generation American. as in, my parents came to America when I was a baby, so my siblings and I were raised in america, integrated into a typical American yeshivishe community. Sure we davened in a sephardi shul, and a handful of minhagim are different, but that's really it. My siblings all married American ashkenazim but booooy did shadchanim and yentas in general have what to say about that. Many point blank refused to set up "mixed" shidduchim, based on nonsense discrimination and stereotypes. Op, how do you deal with FALSE stereotypes about sephardim?

(Specifically talking about the stereotypes about demanding misogynistic men, which in my personal experience is 10000% false. Laughably so.)

So based on what I see, I'm thinking some of those stereotypes are true to a degree Can't Believe It

amother

Dustypink

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 1:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hi! How's your mixed life going?

Bh good but was def harder in the beginning. Sefardim r more warm , and I guess my husband thought he was getting a warm wife😂 which I was far from
Otherwise my husband is pretty ashkenized, from yeshiva and all, so It wasnt such a hard change .
I think it’s easier for the wife , im still making my gefilte fish and potato kugel!
My sons now all take great pride in their sefardi heritage.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 2:23 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

That's actually a stereotype that I think is legit. My DH sometimes thinks I'm a cold ashkenazi lady, and he's right LOL

Shocked your husband eats gefilte fish. My husband likes a lot of classic ashkenaz foods like potato kugel, cholent, chicken soup, deli roll but no way am I making gefilte fish

amother

Pansy

Sat, Sep 30 2023, 9:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

So based on what I see, I'm thinking some of those stereotypes are true to a degree Can't Believe It

I do think Sephardim are more into traditional gender roles, because their traditions are stronger. I personally like the gender roles, as they are within halacha, and as that manifests practically in my relationship. I feel that it helps my relationship thrive.
(Although my husband does cook)

Does your Rav not follow Rav Ovadia? Or does he just think the halacha has changed in the past few years? Regarding mitpachot

amother

Aqua

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 12:25 am

I’m Ashkenaz married to Sephardi.
My mother was SY married to Ashkenaz.
Growing up, although we went to BY (before the days when there was a religious SY school)
We were never really accepted by either community- especially when my mother needed help. Then it was a nightmare. Ashkenazim told her to go to the Sephardim. Sephardim said she married out and needed to go to the Ashkenazim. And we all suffered.

I met and married my husband when I was in a post seminary program in Israel.

Marrying a sephardi wasn’t hard bec I already had it in my blood.
I totally took on Sephardic customs right from the beginning. ( aside from hair covering with a tichel. I told my husband when we were engaged, if he was looking for his wife to cover with a scarf he should find someone else 😆.
My mil wears a mitpachat, but two of my sil wear sheitals)

My husband was more Israeli than sephardi. He grew up in Ashkenazi systems- so davka he was more comfortable in that world.

As our kids grew up we moved over to a Sephardic shul.

My children identify as Sephardim, but it’s very hard in Israel, where we’re looked at as second class- even within the Anglo community.

Re food I like Syrian food so much more than my husband’s ethnic cuisine, but I still make it. But honestly, he likes a mix of Sephardic food.
Theres no pouring sauce from a jar in our house, and I do not cook with sugar lol.
Cooking entails lots of hand on , active time. But it’s ok, I enjoy it.

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 12:57 am

I'm also an Ashkenazi who married Sefardi. I relate to the family drama a couple of you mentioned! Siblings and parents not talking with their kids. What is up with that?

Do you feel frustrated by the "embellishments" of facts and stories? I don't see this in DH, but in my father in law. I also hear this from other friends with Sefardi in-laws.

Would you say the following stereotype is true: Sefardim are warmer and Ashkenazim are more Emesdik?

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 9:54 am

amother Aqua wrote:

I’m Ashkenaz married to Sephardi.
My mother was SY married to Ashkenaz.
Growing up, although we went to BY (before the days when there was a religious SY school)
We were never really accepted by either community- especially when my mother needed help. Then it was a nightmare. Ashkenazim told her to go to the Sephardim. Sephardim said she married out and needed to go to the Ashkenazim. And we all suffered.

I met and married my husband when I was in a post seminary program in Israel.

Marrying a sephardi wasn’t hard bec I already had it in my blood.
I totally took on Sephardic customs right from the beginning. ( aside from hair covering with a tichel. I told my husband when we were engaged, if he was looking for his wife to cover with a scarf he should find someone else 😆.
My mil wears a mitpachat, but two of my sil wear sheitals)

My husband was more Israeli than sephardi. He grew up in Ashkenazi systems- so davka he was more comfortable in that world.

As our kids grew up we moved over to a Sephardic shul.

My children identify as Sephardim, but it’s very hard in Israel, where we’re looked at as secular class- even within the Anglo community.

Re food I like Syrian food so much more than my husband’s ethnic cuisine, but I still make it. But honestly, he likes a mix of Sephardic food.
Theres no pouring sauce from a jar in our house, and I do not cook with sugar lol.
Cooking entails lots of hand on , active time. But it’s ok, I enjoy it.

Pouring sauce from a jar isn't genuine cooking IMHO and adding sugar when cooking should be outlawed (except for RH and desserts)

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 10:13 am

Boca00 wrote:

I have this stereotype in my head that real Sephardi women make amazing wives, treat their husbands like kings. So I thought it actually works better when a Sephardi girl marries an Ashkenazi guy! But maybe I made that up.

You are not out of line at all. IMHO an ashkenazi man with a sfaradi woman: Can be a very workable combination, even very happy.
Ashkenazi woman and sfaradi man: I was in this situation with my ex. It ended with a get.
Because of my personal experience I wouldn't recommend the latter. Maybe things are different in the US.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 8:51 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

I’m Ashkenaz married to Sephardi.
My mother was SY married to Ashkenaz.
Growing up, although we went to BY (before the days when there was a religious SY school)
We were never really accepted by either community- especially when my mother needed help. Then it was a nightmare. Ashkenazim told her to go to the Sephardim. Sephardim said she married out and needed to go to the Ashkenazim. And we all suffered.

I met and married my husband when I was in a post seminary program in Israel.

Marrying a sephardi wasn’t hard bec I already had it in my blood.
I totally took on Sephardic customs right from the beginning. ( aside from hair covering with a tichel. I told my husband when we were engaged, if he was looking for his wife to cover with a scarf he should find someone else 😆.
My mil wears a mitpachat, but two of my sil wear sheitals)

My husband was more Israeli than sephardi. He grew up in Ashkenazi systems- so davka he was more comfortable in that world.

As our kids grew up we moved over to a Sephardic shul.

My children identify as Sephardim, but it’s very hard in Israel, where we’re looked at as secular class- even within the Anglo community.

Re food I like Syrian food so much more than my husband’s ethnic cuisine, but I still make it. But honestly, he likes a mix of Sephardic food.
Theres no pouring sauce from a jar in our house, and I do not cook with sugar lol.
Cooking entails lots of hand on , active time. But it’s ok, I enjoy it.

Did you mean secular class or second class?

amother

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 10:35 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Yesss they can be very over the top with storytelling. I don't see it so much with my in-laws, but I see that as a valid stereotype.

What do you mean by emesdik?

One thing I absolutely love about sefardim is that there isn't such a culture of "OTD." I see guys who look like they came off the street who daven 3x a day and have incredible respect for rabbanim. It's so beautiful! So different than the all or nothing world of ashkenazim.

amother

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 10:38 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

So sorry bnei brak!

I actually know quite a few marriages where the woman was ashkenaz and the man was sefardi that ended in divorce. I'm kind of curious what happened in your case, but I totally understand if it's too personal/painful to share. You didn't start this AMA Wink

CPenzias

Sun, Oct 01 2023, 10:48 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Spirituality comes from women & we give over wht is within us. In such situation its so hard to put into children something completely new. Mesoreh is huge thing so this becomes Less natural...

He also mocks Ashkenazim which hurts being that its her past... Otoh he tries to adapt to some of her mesoreh none are getting the full deal

He mocks the culture she comes from? That's a whole level of disgusting. My father used to do this to my mother. My mother grew up in Crown Heights and was Lubavitch and my father mocked it at every turn. Unacceptable

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:19 am

amother Aqua wrote:

Can you tell me more about the bolded? DH and I would love to move to EY, but maybe we're naive about the social scene over there...