I became frum as a young teen - AMA

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:03 pm

NechaMom wrote:

Wow!

What do you miss the most and what do you miss the least from your previous lifestyle?

Most: probably the flexibility - go to a restaurant or fast-food place on a whim, go swimming without worrying about tznius, wear whatever I wanted (nothing racy, I’m talking comfy shorts and a T-shirt or tank top when it’s a million degrees outside), having two weekend days to do stuff, and the music from the reform temple services.

Least: the pressure to do youth group, reform yomim noraim services (zol zein a kapara, having to sit through that for years, lol) having to wear tons of sunscreen (the flip side of not worrying about tznius). And the expectations of having to go to every single bar and bat mitzvah AND party of anyone I was remotely connected to, even if I knew no one there, and getting “called up to the Torah” (get an aliyah). Wearing a “tallis.” The rigidity of the reform temple’s requirements. The showiness and pretentiousness devoid of ruchnius.

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:14 pm

amother Amber wrote:

Me too! I was 11.

What circles do you identify yourself with now?
How did your parents handle it?
Did you grow up with any Jewish education or background?
Is your husband a BT?
If you have kids, whats their relationship like with your family? Cousins? Siblings?
How was shidduchim for you?

I have yet to meet anyone who became frum as a teenager so I'm glad you started this!

I was 13. I went through a years-long farbrente wannabe yeshivish phase, attended 3 mainstream BY seminaries (this would definitely out me so I am anon, lol), and now feel most comfortable with aspects of yeshivish hashkafa, but am also much more chilled out frumkeit-wise (still keep halacha, ask shailos as needed, etc, but I’m not learning 5 different mussar seforim every morning before breakfast anymore).

Yup DH is a BT, although he became frum in college.

So far we have a toddler and I’m expecting BH. Our families are obsessed with DS lol. To be fair he is quite cute kah. 🥰

Shidduchim was not fun. I dated a bunch of weirdos (and most of the not-weird guys married other girls I know). Conversations with shadchanim were either extremely stressful (“you’re not getting younger! You can’t be so picky!” When I wanted someone emotionally stable who would be able to interact positively with my family), or alternatively ridiculous to the point of being hysterically funny, looking back. A shadchan once called me asking if I “had become more flexible” in what I was looking for from when he had seen my resume a couple years earlier. Turned out he wanted to set me up with a divorced chossid who didn’t speak English and lives in Boro Park. I asked what shaychus because - really? A long-time BT from an atypical background who doesn’t know Yiddish and doesn’t want to become chassidish? Why would that be nogei’ah? His response: “Well, he is a kohen, and he is divorced and chassidish, so his options are limited.” Ah-hah. Okay then. Then the shadchan emails me a photo of the guy and spends a good 15 minutes asking me if I “can see myself building an emotional relationship” with this particular man. I told him I don’t know that I can “see myself building an emotional relationship” with someone based on a photo. He didn’t get why not, lol.

amother

Amber

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 8:48 am

OP we sound sooo similar. Id love to connect for emotional support.
Shidduchim was very very hard for me too. Especially since I was/looked like a "regular" typical BY girl and wanted a learning guy. Dont ask me how I planned on doing that since I was in school FT and my parents were not supporting. Shadchanim were so nasty to me and I dated such weirdos too. One shadchan tried setting me up with a divorced man with kids when I was 20. I used to come home crying and tell my best friend "im so normal why cant I date a normal guy? just because my parents arent shomer shabbos?"
BH married the perfect guy for me but it was definitely a struggle.

How do you manage life now with your parents and siblings? Yomim tovim? School functions?

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:22 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Your whole family became frum as a teen or you became frum on your own?

If became frum on your own: What inspired you to become frum? Was it a Kiruv organization or was it a personal self-discovery that you wanted to become religious?

Ahh sorry, just saw this now. I became frum on my own, mostly through a teacher at my elementary/middle school who was mekarev me. Her family was part of the “kiruv kollel” that opened in my community of origin when I was in I think 5th grade.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:25 am

amother Amber wrote:

I totally hear you! Yeah, shidduchim was tough. Baruch shepeterani.

I live in a different state from my family of origin, try to video chat with them erev Shabbos. Yom Tov we’ve been making since we got married, although we have often gotten invited out for meals.

Our oldest is a toddler so no school functions yet. Very Happy

amother

Azalea

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:29 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow! What inspired you to become frum?

I was in public school, was more traditional upbringing and I ended up going to a jewish community day school after having a lot of school issues. One teacher was frum and the rest were conservative/reformed/traditional. I loved this teacher and really connected with her and she really inspired me to be frum. She ended up helping me convince my parents to let me switch to our local frum school.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:35 am

amother Azalea wrote:

Wow! That’s incredible! What a zechus! Are you still in touch with that teacher?