How did I miss all the signs - inattentive ADHD - sorry long

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 4:37 am

help me process

my daughter is 19

she is my oldest daughter / second child

my husband has inattentive adhd / low-grade chronic depression

it took me a long time to figure that out and for him to get meds

it took even longer for me to digest/accept/live/love warts and all

Recently I realized and confirmed that DD also has inattentive adhd

HOW ON EARTH DID I MISS IT

was I trying to protect my heart?

I am hurting for her and for me

she has very few [almost none] friends despite my efforts over the years
[except that I didn't have money to send her for full summer overnight camp and she always worked for the half of summer she was in camp - and I can't forgive myself for not magically creating that money even though that's absurd as I already work overboard trying to cover bills]

she is employed but was told very clearly that they will not promote her or give her other opportunities.

she herself feels different than others

she told me - I can't execute - I get distracted - work drains me - I am not a coper - I am not motivated

I wish SOMETHING would spark or ignite her
she is so low key so parve

I realize I'm not even sure what my question or current problem is

I'm just venting out loud

teachkids

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 4:45 am

Good news is now is a good time for her to her on meds short term and develop skills before she starts building a family

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 4:54 am

teachkids wrote:

Good news is now is a good time for her to her on meds short term and develop skills before she starts building a family

what are you talking about?
what type of skills?

she is a very regular functioning kid

was an A+ student in every way though she did say she hates lectures etc - she is very bright

she wakes up goes to work - and doesn't doodle there - they didnt fire her - they even told her they are happy to keep her employed but dont feel she is suitable to move up in the business as she is super cautious and presents as not confident type - she is also super straightforward - not salesy -

she has home responsibilities too

amother

Mint

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 4:54 am

I am so similar to your daughter, except that 20 years ago nobody was "into" diagnosing! First of all, don't beat yourself up. This is Hashem's plan for your daughter. Second, there are so many resources for her to learn skills. "I am not a coper" is a statement that comes from a fixed mindset. Iyh your daughter will BECOME a coper, and more importantly, learn to see herself as someone who can cope despite her limitations, using skills. I recommend a DBT group, where she will also connect with other girls her age. If you're in Lakewood, Chemed has sliding scale/insurance.
And finally, what are her strengths? She needs to learn to build a life based on her strengths, not her weaknesses. A good career coach can help with this. Can she volunteer on the side to help build a sense of fulfillment? The company she is working at is not the be-all and end-all.

amother

Jean

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 4:55 am

I have inattentive adhd and was able to get married. I had ot during high school which helped. Teach her to make lists and schedules for herself, to set alarms. These days I do all this on my smart phone but I don't know if she has one. I just hope you can work on the self esteem...mine was non existent at that age and I had some friends.

amother

Peach

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 5:38 am

Sounds like she may have thyroid and adrenal issues.

amother

Peachpuff

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 5:40 am

Inattentive ADD is often missed in girls. Don't blame yourself so much.

**another mother whose DD wasn't diagnosed till high school.

amf

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 5:46 am

Why is she at a job that is putting her down so much?? For an employer to say "we'll never promote you" is so demoralizing for her. Give her a chance to work to her strengths!
I'm not sure where you're located but in so many areas jobs are pretty easy to find, especially if she doesn't have any specialized skills.
Please don't leave her in an environment where she's told every day she's not good enough!

amother

Peachpuff

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 5:52 am

Interesting, because my daughter with inattentive ADD is super-confident, and more impulsive than cautious.

And herein lies the problem with labels - don't box your daughter in. I'm not at all sure her challenges are because of ADD.

I would recommend that she go for a few therapy sessions aimed at building her confidence. And yes, like amf said, let her find a job where she is appreciated.

amother

NeonGreen

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 6:34 am

It's very common to miss ADHD in girls-- I teach and a lot of girls are just being diagnosed in their early teens, if not later. They tend to function better in school than boys because of the way it manifests, so they slip through the cracks, unfortunately. So don't beat yourself up.

Now that you do have the knowledge, you can empower her to get the help and the tools she needs to be successful. It sounds like she did fine in school, so she has the coping skills to manage with accommodation, which is good.

amother

Begonia

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 6:38 am

Not sure that it's ADHD. Sounds more like depression, low self confidence.

amother

Rainbow

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 6:41 am

amf wrote:

If she did well in school let her go to college so she can find a job she’s good at.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:25 am

She is super cautious about changing jobs too

Believe me I tried - and to her credit - she went to 3 interviews - but she is honest to a fault - and doesn't want to badmouth her manager so when they ask her why she is leaving she comes across meek unsure and incapable

She knows her strengths but is way more focused on her weaknesses

She is careful thorough and a great problem solver but she isn't a quick think on your feet take on any project ambitious soul

Additionally she wants to work in an office with many employees because she wants some sort of social life even if it isn't necessarily close relationships; but she doesnt want to work for schools or agencies

For reference we are chasidish and she will not pursue a college degree; besides that she repeatedly told me she hates listening to speeches; teachers - she likes to read ; learn on her own.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:26 am

amother Begonia wrote:

Not sure that it's ADHD. Sounds more like depression, low self confidence.

Low self confidence I agree
Depression - I don't think [my husband has chronic low grade depression interspersed with major depression so I know what that looks like'
PSA: Depression is a very real think - please don't use it as an adjective

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:28 am

amf wrote:

I totally agree
It's not so easy to find a job
Some offices / processes are not established
Some places don't pay well
and there are a lot of other factors to consider

She doesnt want to be considered a job hopper and she is already on her second job

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:30 am

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Happy for you!
Impulsive sounds more like classic ADHD but don't take it from me - I have a highschool and google diploma
Any recommendations for a therapist in Rockland County?

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:31 am

amother Peach wrote:

Sounds like she may have thyroid and adrenal issues.

Never thought of that
How do I find out?
Blood test? at this age?

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:32 am

amother Mint wrote:

Not in Lakewood but I appreciate your response

amother

Antiquewhite

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 7:37 am

She should leave this job. She’s young she has her life ahead of her why waste it in a place that is knocking her down? Just because they are nasty and saying they will never promote her doesn’t mean she will never climb anywhere in life.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 8:05 am

amother Antiquewhite wrote:

right?

I'm desperately trying to get her to see that

if anyone has any other methods / books / therapy / therapist recommendations or any wise words or encouragement - you are welcome

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