I'm a BT (became frum college age) AMA

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:08 pm

I grew up affiliated with the conservative movement but not doing anything halachic at home, only cultural. I became frum in college through the campus rabbi (not chabad) and now am married to an FFB living intown. Yes a lot happened in the middle Cool

Ask me anything!

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:47 pm

Do you feel like you miss a lot of unwritten rules or cultural things? Is there anything you have a very hard time with seeing FFBs do?

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:24 pm

ahappygirl12 wrote:

This literally sounds exactly like me/ my situation !
How do you like living in town?

I love being able to be fully immersed in a Jewish environment and the community that can be provided for my kids. I don't like the amount of "standards" around things that seem to have trumped halacha for a lot of people

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:31 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

What advice do you have for campus kiruv rabbis and rebbetzins?

Your students who are growing need a community and a "family" If you're keeping busy with newer students, which I completely understand that you should be, please hand off the growing students and alumni to someone else. I can't tell you how many bts in seminary/yeshiva or early marriage feel completely abandoned

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:38 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

What are the strengths and weaknesses of living in a ffb town?
What do you find most difficult to be frum?

I already answered about in town living.

The most difficult part about being frum is probably the amount of doors I've shut with my past life. I'm at a completely different stage in life than basically every one of my friends for the first 20 years of my life. My family rarely will make gatherings on Sunday instead of Saturday so there's a lot of extra effort to stay connected. BH I'm building friendships and a good relationship with a lot of dh family but it's not the same

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 9:07 pm

amother Firethorn wrote:

Do you feel like you miss a lot of unwritten rules or cultural things? Is there anything you have a very hard time with seeing FFBs do?

Tons! I was once invited to a Sheva brachas and told the attire was "bris on chol hamoed" and I literally called someone else to tell me what to wear. I also struggle through parsha sheets with my toddlers because I don't know the songs they're learning.

I have a very hard time with a lot of FFB assumptions about frei yidden and non jews. I try to defend what I can but I don't always want to be on the other side of the argument if that makes sense

amother

Babypink

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 3:32 pm

What do you like/appreciate most about being frum ?
What do you miss (meaning hardest to leave lot literally miss) about old lifestyle.

amother

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 6:06 pm

amother Babypink wrote:

What do you like/appreciate most about being frum ?
What do you miss (meaning hardest to leave lot literally miss) about old lifestyle.

I love the contentness (if that's a word) that comes from having a relationship with Hashem. I grew up in a very free for all environment and it's very comforting to know that Hashem is always on my side and also has clear guidelines on what right and wrong to help give direction in life.

The hardest part is keeping kosher (which ironically is what I took on first) I hate not being able to just run into McDonald's and get something to eat and there's no cheap option ever that isn't me cooking in advance. I still have anxiety anytime I leave an in town bubble about what I'm going to be able to eat and when.

amother

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 7:29 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

How old were you when you got married?
How did you meet your husband?
Did he have any hesitations about dating a BT?

I got married at 22. We met through recently married mutual friends because he went to out of the box yeshivas. He has a colorful background so the only hesitation for him with dating a bt was the lack of family support from my side but it wasn't so major. I'm bH not the first bt in his extended family.

amother

NeonYellow

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:54 pm

Do you think the way they do kiruv on college campuses is fair? In the sense that these are young adults not in their home environment and it's kind of "taking advantage" of them when they are in a vulnerable state and showing them the glitz and glamour of yiddishkeit but without the grittiness.... I have wondered about this

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 7:10 am

amother NeonYellow wrote:

Fair? Think about the alternative. I fully agree with Rabbi Klatzkos viewpoint that secular Jews on a college campus are Jewish neshamas in a cattle car on their way to Aushwitz and we need to do everything we can to pull them off.

Don't get me wrong, it's definitely not a perfect system but the vulnerable and lost young adult is going to try to fill that void with something. I'd say it's much better to fill it with an ostentatious shabbos meal than a college party.

amother

Antiquewhite

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 7:18 am

amother OP wrote:

Horrid parallel.

And the college kids do both - a free meal followed by a college party.

amother

Dandelion

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 8:14 am

amother NeonYellow wrote:

Kids in college and living on their own for the firsy time have a million outside influences. I think having a positive influence is a great thing to balance out the rest of college life. Most college students who go to kiruv events, even regularly, do not become frum. There's no brainwashing going on. But for those who have the desire to grow, it's there and it's amazing thing. I don't know about the glitz and glamour. I definitely saw the grittiness and challenge of having a large family up front. Becoming frum was never the easy path for me.

amother

Antiquewhite

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 8:29 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

Its not fair though to ignore a subgroup of BTs through kiruv groups who drop-it all following a realization they weren't given a full picture.

amother

Yolk

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 8:54 am

The other reason Kiruv is done in college is because the students are able to make up their own minds (ie don’t live with their parents - most secular Jews aren’t sending their kids to a frum family for Shabbos or kashering their kitchen etc, and smart and old Enough to think for themselves), but they don’t yet have spouses and children.

Really hard to do Kiruv on a 30 year old who is married to a nonJew and has a few nonJewish children. And also quite hard to do it on a 13 year old who has no autonomy. College is the perfect age.

I also became frum in college along with a big group of friends. We are all married with kids- some of us in town some not, some FFB husbands some not, but we are all BH regular parts of our communities in our early to mid 30s at this point.

amother

Burntblack

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 9:03 am

amother OP wrote:

How would you describe your relationship with hashem?