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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:31 pm
Why do guests need to be so difficult?
We are a shoe free house. For those that are not familiar with this, it means we take our street shoes off when we enter the house and wear slippers or house only shoes at home. We have small children including a crawler and like to keep our home this way.
My mother constantly’forgets’ the rule although there’s a big pile of shoes near the front door. We purchased expensive slippers for her and put them out when she comes. She is not an old bubbie who wears orthopedic shoes - she still wears quite the high heels so it’s not that.
She thinks it’s nonsense and she should be able to do what she wants when she comes to our house. I’ve hinted/given gentle reminders and she pretends not to get it. I don’t want to be a brat and ask more firmly but it really bothers me. I swallow it for kibbud eim but I really resent it.
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amother
Stonewash
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:35 pm
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We are also outside shoe free. I don’t make guests remove it but most see the pile and realize on their own. I just vacuum and mop after we have people over. If she doesn’t come very often clean the floors when she leaves.
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amother
Crimson
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:36 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Why do guests need to be so difficult?
We are a shoe free house. For those that are not familiar with this, it means we take our street shoes off when we enter the house and wear slippers or house only shoes at home. We have small children including a crawler and like to keep our home this way.
My mother constantly’forgets’ the rule although there’s a big pile of shoes near the front door. We purchased expensive slippers for her and put them out when she comes. She is not an old bubbie who wears orthopedic shoes - she still wears quite the high heels so it’s not that.
She thinks it’s nonsense and she should be able to do what she wants when she comes to our house. I’ve hinted/given gentle reminders and she pretends not to get it. I don’t want to be a brat and ask more firmly but it really bothers me. I swallow it for kibbud eim but I really resent it. |
Do not say a word. She is your mother and this should be your kibud eim with no reservations. We have a no shoe area in our home- the rule I stress to my kids is that it applies to them and their friends- not to adults and not to guests (unless it’s their friend whom they can tell easily no big deal). I don’t think it’s socially correct to tell visiting adults to take off their shoes, even more so if it’s your mom who clearly is uncomfortable with the request for whatever reason. Of course your home, your rules, but in this case just don’t have guests if you can’t help but feel resentful.
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amother
Bluebonnet
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:38 pm
I’m not your mom
But
I can’t stand shoe free houses
I don’t take a hint. I take off my shoes if specifically asked. Otherwise shoes are staying in.
I think shoe free families don’t get that shoe families find it kind of gross to take off your shoes in some else’s house. Whether the issue is smell, shoes make the outfit, not wanting to walk barefoot, having a hole in your tights etc, I just can’t stand this rule. As yucky as you find it to wear shoes, I find it to not.
But I’m not your mom, who visits often. In fancy no one in my inner circle is shoe free. With you mom, if this is important to you, you’ll have to be direct and clear. And be ok with making her angry/annoyed
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amother
Marigold
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:40 pm
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Stand by the door and hold out comfortable slippers for her. Keep holding them out and smiling before letting her in.
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amother
Clematis
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:40 pm
| amother Crimson wrote: | | Do not say a word. She is your mother and this should be your kibud eim with no reservations. We have a no shoe area in our home- the rule I stress to my kids is that it applies to them and their friends- not to adults and not to guests (unless it’s their friend whom they can tell easily no big deal). I don’t think it’s socially correct to tell visiting adults to take off their shoes, even more so if it’s your mom who clearly is uncomfortable with the request for whatever reason. Of course your home, your rules, but in this case just don’t have guests if you can’t help but feel resentful. |
Agree. Is there a mat she can wipe her shoes on #comprimise.
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amother
Snowdrop
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:40 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Why do guests need to be so difficult?
We are a shoe free house. For those that are not familiar with this, it means we take our street shoes off when we enter the house and wear slippers or house only shoes at home. We have small children including a crawler and like to keep our home this way.
My mother constantly’forgets’ the rule although there’s a big pile of shoes near the front door. We purchased expensive slippers for her and put them out when she comes. She is not an old bubbie who wears orthopedic shoes - she still wears quite the high heels so it’s not that.
She thinks it’s nonsense and she should be able to do what she wants when she comes to our house. I’ve hinted/given gentle reminders and she pretends not to get it. I don’t want to be a brat and ask more firmly but it really bothers me. I swallow it for kibbud eim but I really resent it. |
We are also a shoe free home. I get very nervous from dirty or scratched floors and we take off shoes and ask guests to take off shoes when they come.
However I NEVER ask my parents. My father especially is uncomfortable doing so, he is a very regal person and doesn’t remove his shoes in public ever. He’s always fully dressed.
What do I do? I sweep and mop more often.
My kibud av is way more important than my floors. To even compare the two is laughable.
He is not being “difficult!” He’s my father!!!!
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giftedmom
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:42 pm
| amother Marigold wrote: | | Stand by the door and hold out comfortable slippers for her. Keep holding them out and smiling before letting her in. |
That is the most obnoxious socially off thing to do
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amother
Poppy
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:43 pm
| amother Marigold wrote: | | Stand by the door and hold out comfortable slippers for her. Keep holding them out and smiling before letting her in. |
That might be called taking things too far. Many people are uncomfortable taking off their shoes in other people’s homes.
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amother
Seafoam
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:43 pm
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It isn't a regular request and therefore I don't think it's something you can force on your parents. Your kibud av v'eim comes first.
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amother
Wheat
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:44 pm
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Also it reminds people of shivas no shoes and it’s like being not fully dressed sorry
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amother
Cognac
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:45 pm
| amother Marigold wrote: | | Stand by the door and hold out comfortable slippers for her. Keep holding them out and smiling before letting her in. |
Truly a remarkable response.
I’m shocked, but I’m going with the idea you meant to be sarcastic, funny, or were looking to get a reaction.
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amother
Blush
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:46 pm
| amother Bluebonnet wrote: | I’m not your mom
But
I can’t stand shoe free houses
I don’t take a hint. I take off my shoes if specifically asked. Otherwise shoes are staying in.
I think shoe free families don’t get that shoe families find it kind of gross to take off your shoes in some else’s house. Whether the issue is smell, shoes make the outfit, not wanting to walk barefoot, having a hole in your tights etc, I just can’t stand this rule. As yucky as you find it to wear shoes, I find it to not.
But I’m not your mom, who visits often. In fancy no one in my inner circle is shoe free. With you mom, if this is important to you, you’ll have to be direct and clear. And be ok with making her angry/annoyed | same here!
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Mommyg8
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:49 pm
| giftedmom wrote: | | That is the most obnoxious socially off thing to do |
I thought she was being sarcastic.
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amother
Offwhite
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:49 pm
Honey 🍯 live and let live.
You know how annoying you were when you were a kid?
When you were a teenager 👀
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amother
Glitter
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:49 pm
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My home is shoe free as well but I would never in a million years make someone feel uncomfortable about it and no way would I ask my mother or father to remove their shoes. That is taking things too far. Be happy that there is an easy way for you to fulfill your mother's wish.
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amother
Charcoal
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:49 pm
We're shoe free but we don't enforce it or even mention it to guests because DH feels it's a lot to ask. I just vacuum after as needed. The floors get pretty bad this time of year from all the in and out of the sukkah to house. It'll pass.
As for your mother, if you've already made it clear what your policy is and bought her special slippers, I don't know how much more you can do. Maybe get a shoe cover machine if you're really invested. JoaSinc Shoe Cover Machine, Automatic Shoe Cover Dispenser, Shoe Booties Disposable 100pcs Disposable Plastic Shoe Covers Bags Shoe Covers Machine for Indoors Home Supermarket Shops Hospital https://a.co/d/6UBSeNV
But probably just pick your battles. Is this the hill you're willing to jeopardize your relationship on?
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amother
Poppy
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:50 pm
OP,
What if someone like a Rosh Yeshiva, or maybe POTUS?? would come to your home? Would you insist they remove their shoes?
You shouldn’t make your mother remove her shoes.
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amother
Aqua
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Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:52 pm
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We are a shoe free home but I NEVER ask guests to take off their shoes. If people realize, then great but usually they don't and I think that's OK. I don't expect other people to feel comfortable walking on my floors. There can be a myriad of reasons why they wouldn't feel comfortable and I'd rather people feel comfortable in my home.
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