AMA I am anti-babysitter and CIO

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amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:22 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

Im curious for the other women who share the same viewpoint as OP- if the husband makes less than 2k a month, how do you expect a mother NOT to return to work? Rent costs money, you cant really call that extravagant living. Food, car insurance, gas..

If for some reason they husband truly can’t make enough, there are ways for a mother to earn money while keeping her baby home with her. Certain jobs can be done from home at odd hours and pay well by the hour. She can also become a babysitter and keep her baby with her.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:22 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

What do you define as a babysitter vs. nanny? A nanny is 1:1 and where would be your red line for a babysitter? 3 kids? 2?

For infants and babies, a 1-2 ratio with a competent babysitter where there is a camera you can access.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:23 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

My question would be.. What's stopping the husband from making more than 2k a month? Why doesn't he feel responsible to earn more. Is he incapable? Is he unmotivated? Are you taking the responsibility so he doesn't feel the need?
A lot can be asked here.

These are important questions. The vast majority of adults are capable of earning more than $2k a month with the right priorities and support.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

Please share ideas of jobs where this can work. Give concrete examples of a job that can be done from home.
My degree for my job was over 100k. I have student loans to pay back. How do you expect me to be a SAHM and make money to pay back my loans?

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

For infants and babies, a 1-2 ratio with a competent babysitter where there is a camera you can access.

Were you considering childcare for your first, and your DH asked you not to?

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:25 pm

amother Geranium wrote:

Maybe we just run in different circles, but the
Is is not a "trend" where I live. It is a necessity and most mothers I know cut working hours when they can and stay home when they are able to.

So in your circles the husbands all work full time but still the basic needs of the family can’t be met? Do people attempt jobs they can do from home or jobs like a babysitter where you can keep your baby with you? What kind of babysitters are people sending to in your circles (ratio etc) and starting at what age?

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

These are important questions. The vast majority of adults are capable of earning more than $2k a month with the right priorities and support.

Support meaning what?

I think we are coming from two different worlds. My husband does not make enough for me to not work. Like I mentioned, no prior education at all. His first job was a month after sheva brachos when he left kollel. We tried to make kollel work and it didnt because we needed to afford groceries.

I really dont mean to be nitpicky, but many people are not giving actual helpful advice as to how to make being a SAHM work in our day and age. its nice to say we're abusive monsters, but many of us work because we have no choice.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:27 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Can you name specific careers that are guaranteed to make enough to pay for these nannies? Ome nanny per child, right?

Many careers can, if you are good enough and work hard enough and prioritize it enough.

A nanny should be able to competently watch 2 babies. Most people don’t have more than 2 kids under the age of 2-3 regardless.

amother

Navy

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:27 pm

I chose to be home with my kids before they were in school, and we made do with less to be able to manage that. However, I do realize that we were blessed to have that opportunity. I also think there is no one right way to be a good parent or to raise children. There's no magic formula for raising perfect children. And I think that many people who were raised with babysitters and cry it out are wonderful human beings. I know, it must have been a neis.

amother

Geranium

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

So in your circles the husbands all work full time but still the basic needs of the family can’t be met? Do people attempt jobs they can do from home or jobs like a babysitter where you can keep your baby with you? What kids if babysitters are people sending to in your circles (ratio etc) and starting at what age?

Yes to all those.
Work from home jobs are not easy to come by.
Ratios usually are around 1:3. People send out babies when they have to depending on maternity leave. And those who can stay longer and have to find a new job after do.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:31 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

Disclaimer: I never sent a child out before the age of a year. I was privileged to be able to work from home. Not everyone has that privilege.

I strongly believe, very strongly believe that there is no such thing as a decision between good and bad. Every decision has ramifications in many directions. When you choose to prioritize not sending your kids out, you are choosing not to prioritize a husband in kollel. That's fine if that's your decision but it doesn't make it an absolute right for everyone.

When I choose to marry a husband who is a long term learner, that was not a selfish choice. It was a choice for my children to be brought up in a house where their father brings Torah home every day, where we live simply for the sake of Torah. It is a positive decision for my children not a negative one.

I chose to give my children the privilege of a house full of Torah over the privilege of staying at home with me until they're 4.
You chose the privilege of them staying home over the privilege of a house of Torah.
Other people don't even have the choice of these two. Their choice may be the privilege of sending to a Jewish school instead of public school over the privilege of a child at home until they're 4.

Your post is unfair to all these people. For the first time since I joined Imamother, I am seriously considering reporting for the extreme and unnecessary pain you are causing many sincere, hard working mothers.

You are presenting false assumptions. In what world does a father working to support his children automatically equal “not a house of Torah”? You say my post is painful to working mothers but think about how you just degraded millions of ehrlich frum families. Do you really think that in past generations no one raised Torah families because virtually all men worked? You seem to be in denial because you desperate to rationalize your decision.

My children are raised in house of Torah AND they are not send to babysitters at 6 weeks old.

I sincerely believe that choosing to send a 6 week old infant to a babysitter so that your husband can stay in kollel is neglectful.

If you are still confident enough in your decision then you be able to easily disregard my opinion.

amother

Navy

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

So in your circles the husbands all work full time but still the basic needs of the family can’t be met? Do people attempt jobs they can do from home or jobs like a babysitter where you can keep your baby with you? What kids if babysitters are people sending to in your circles (ratio etc) and starting at what age?

Chas veshalom we should babysit other people's children and bring such abusive practices into our homes. Imagine the impact it would have on their precious neshamas. And the neglect that you would cause to your own children while working instead of giving them your full attention. What a suggestion!

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:34 pm

amother Natural wrote:

This thread is nauseating. OP your smugness is almost shocking. You with your husbands 300k salary. With no concept that for down it can all come crashing down. A husband can lose a job. He can have trouble getting hired. He can have mental health issues making it hard for him to get hired. He could have chronic or acute medical issues preventing him from working. He can work but not have the same earning potential. I can go on and on. I don’t begrudge your blessings or your choices. But to act as if this is all so because this is the life you chose and to leave out the part where Gd is actually in control, not you. That your blessings (your husbands job, his ability to work) come from one source: Gds blessing and Gds will. You need a real reality check on who runs the world. To start a thread to spew such simple minded judgement is just awful

Eta this thread should def be reported.

I am not smug I am truly and deeply and sincerely broken about the precious neshamos who are neglected in the name of Parnassah.

If any of the scenarios you listed above should Chas v’shalom happen to my family and I have no choice but to work and for some reason there are zero options for me to work from home or take a job where I can brinng my baby along, then I will have to send out my babies. But at least it will have been far from the default.

And like I said I prioritizes being a SAHM from the beginning and made numerous life choices to make that happen. It’s obviously all in Gods hands but I did my hishtadlus. And it wasn’t an accident.

flowerpower

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:35 pm

Hope no one on this thread feel guilty having childcare because they have to pay their rent….. do what you need to do to survive life. No hard feelings please

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:36 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

Would it be because you think the boy/girl has suffered from the borderline abuse, or that you wouldn't respect the In-laws.

It would be because I wouldn’t feel that our families shared the same values or that their children were necessarily raised with the values we would like them to have.

Just like every parent with kids in shidduchim tries to find families that share their general values.

Ema of 5

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hmm. I’ve never thought about this. I would not like make shidduchim with families where the children were sent out as babies. I have no problem with mothers working once kids are in school, or if childcare was done by, for example, a grandmother.

However, shidduchim are in Hashem’s hands, not mine. So who knows what will be.

For the record, I have a degree and was an accomplished person in my field before I had kids. I have no issue with women working. Even now with a baby home I occasionally work from home.

Everything is in Hashems hands, not just shidduchim. Parnasa is in hashems hands too. If it is so important to you not to send out to a baby sitter, then it should be equally important to you to find out this information about potential shidduchim for your children.
How many children do you have? Were you a stay at home mom since day 1? How would you react if your daughter or daughter in law sent to a baby sitter other than family?

amother

NeonPink

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:36 pm

OP, how old are you?

And how many kids do you have?

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:37 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Hope no one on this thread feel guilty having childcare because they have to pay their rent….. do what you need to do to survive life. No hard feelings please

This AND the kids will be alright.

flowerpower

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:37 pm

I personally think that it’s best to work until you have 2 kids. You get dressed, you have a schedule, you feel useful and productive, you can put some money into savings… I see many sahms of one feeling blah and sleeping a half a day because they have no structure

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

You didn't start this thread talking about values - rather boderline abuse. Which one is it?

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