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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Simcha Section
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amother
OP
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 Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:02 pm
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What should the role be for a step mother for the bar mitzvah of a step son. How involved should she be if at all?
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amother
Hunter
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:04 pm
I think it's totally different for each situation.
Does the Bar Mitzvah boy have a mother that will be involved?
What's your relationship with him?
What's your relationship with the other side?
Who's arranging the Bar Mitzvah?
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amother
Tulip
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:04 pm
It depends on so many things. Is there one event? (Sometimes mom makes something and dad makes something else).
If there is one event, stay on the sidelines as much as possible. If there are 2 and mom will be attending yours, this is a chessed opportunity to be a gracious hostess and be kind to her and allow her to shep nachas from her son.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:07 pm
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Parents are planning it all. The step mother and mother have no relationship.
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:15 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Parents are planning it all. The step mother and mother have no relationship. |
I was there… it’s not easy.
In our situation we made something for the bar mitzvah boy on shabbos.
His mother made him something for the weeknight affair.
Each situation is very different.
All you have to do is be at your husband’s side. You don’t have take on the roll of the mother since it sounds like he has a mother who is involved.
Just be the nice lady who is married to the bar mitzvah boys father.
The goal is to maintain peace and let the bar mitzvah boy shine and enjoy his simcha.
I always say that I wish there would be support groups for frum step mothers! There is no right and wrong. So much depends on the situation.
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amother
Winterberry
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:38 pm
| amother Pumpkin wrote: | I was there… it’s not easy.
In our situation we made something for the bar mitzvah boy on shabbos.
His mother made him something for the weeknight affair.
Each situation is very different.
All you have to do is be at your husband’s side. You don’t have take on the roll of the mother since it sounds like he has a mother who is involved.
Just be the nice lady who is married to the bar mitzvah boys father.
The goal is to maintain peace and let the bar mitzvah boy shine and enjoy his simcha.
I always say that I wish there would be support groups for frum step mothers! There is no right and wrong. So much depends on the situation. |
Your advice is amazing. Would you consider making a support group? Not to make assumptions on your stage, health or energy level. Maybe with very low expectations, once a month or however best fits your schedule. Just a thought.
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:47 pm
| amother Winterberry wrote: | | Your advice is amazing. Would you consider making a support group? Not to make assumptions on your stage, health or energy level. Maybe with very low expectations, once a month or however best fits your schedule. Just a thought. |
I always thought an in person support group would be most helpful.
Where do you live?
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:47 pm
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Has anyone asked the boy? Ultimately it should be up to him whether/how much he wants the stepparent to have a role.
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:51 pm
| amother Scarlet wrote: | | Has anyone asked the boy? Ultimately it should be up to him whether/how much he wants the stepparent to have a role. |
They are little.
They don’t always know what they want.
Honestly, they just want to be like everyone else and they usually dislike their situation.
All we can do is try to make things peaceful and nice.
Sometimes that means that the step parent has to take a step back.
Your job is to be there for your husband.
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watergirl
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:52 pm
This is when I wish the step-mother forum was more active. OP, if you are the step-mom, you will learn that imamother and women in general are biased against us (step-moms).
I was zoche to make three bar mitzvahs for step-sons and it was extremely hard for me (I know, it's not about me, it's about the boy, but this post is about me). One of them, my step-son lived with me since his mother made him very unwelcome in her home. He lived with us for many years, I was the one who raised him. And then I was told I had no voice (by his mother - I had a voice in my home BH). His mother took out all her frustrations on all of it on me. It was a really REALLY hard time - for all three of them.
If you ask me (which you did here), the role of the step-mom should echo her role in the boy's life. However her relationship with him is the rest of the time, it should be here too.
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amother
Arcticblue
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 2:09 pm
We are making our first bar mitzvah in a little under a year so I'm no expert but my feeling is it'll be like someone above said, "a nice lady who happens to be married to the dad."
My role will be to try to provide whatever support my husband needs. Try to validate and alleviate his stress because I'm sure it'll be stressful. Work the neighborhood chats if he needs help getting contacts or such. Tighten the household budget so we can make this happen with limited savings. Remind dh to make moves on things so he doesn't have his head in the clouds. Encourage him to invite somewhat less than the whole world because he'll want to and we can't afford to. Help with hosting relatives from our side who might come from other places.
Then wear something pretty, get my kids into something pretty, show up, and be friendly while trying to stay low key.
And maybe go out for ice cream with dh or friends after to celebrate an unseen job well done.
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watergirl
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 2:26 pm
| amother Arcticblue wrote: | We are making our first bar mitzvah in a little under a year so I'm no expert but my feeling is it'll be like someone above said, "a nice lady who happens to be married to the dad."
My role will be to try to provide whatever support my husband needs. Try to validate and alleviate his stress because I'm sure it'll be stressful. Work the neighborhood chats if he needs help getting contacts or such. Tighten the household budget so we can make this happen with limited savings. Remind dh to make moves on things so he doesn't have his head in the clouds. Encourage him to invite somewhat less than the whole world because he'll want to and we can't afford to. Help with hosting relatives from our side who might come from other places.
Then wear something pretty, get my kids into something pretty, show up, and be friendly while trying to stay low key.
And maybe go out for ice cream with dh or friends after to celebrate an unseen job well done. |
It's so, so sad and I hope never the truth that we are seen as nice ladies who married their fathers. That's really not the case with a lot of us. Many of us have a huge hand in raising them. I washed their clothing, made their meals, packed their backpacks, shopped for clothing, remembered their birthdays (dad forgets), remembered their favorite foods and snacks and made sure to stock them in the house. I know one of them likes only white meat in his soup, another wants the WHOLE onion from the soup. One likes vanilla yogurt, one likes berry. One loves this soft blanket so it stays on his bed and I got him one for chanukah to keep wherever he wants. As they get older, we research schools, fill out applications, shop for more clothing. We buy a ton more food because they eat a ton, and we cook it, spending way more time in the kitchen than anyone realizes.
The only thanks we get for what we do (and for the sacrifice we knowingly made when we married their fathers) is hopefully a thank you from our husbands.
I was just saying to my best friend today (also a step-mom), this role is a real chessed shel emes because we won't ever be thanked by the kids or by their mothers.
We are FAR more than just a nice lady who happens to be married to their dad.
Even worse, often the mothers won't let our step-kids see us as a nice lady. We are the villains, the evil step-mother. We are just trying to do our best. We make mistakes and unlike the real mom who can make mistakes and is excused, one mistake is remembered for life.
True story - I had my step-kids over the night I came home from the hospital from a c-section. My husband, on my request, drove an hour each way to go get his kids so they can be there also with the rest of the siblings for shabbos. We had ONE couch, and they were laying on it every time I went to sit down. My step-daughter was around 13 at that time and when she sat on the couch, it was a jump, not a gentle sit. After requesting so so many times that she sit down gently because the way she was sitting caused me SEARING PAIN, I yelled ONCE, in pain.
It's now 10 years later and my steo-daughter is a mother. She brought up over this past YT how I yelled at her every time she sat on the couch when we brought the baby home from the hospital. I reminded her of the scenario, which she forgot about - she just remembered me yelling when she sat down.
What do I remember? The abusive text from her mother when I had a newborn, admonishing me for yelling when her daughter sat down next to me.
She apologized (my step-daughter), but it was so hard for me to realize that all that time she only remembered me yelling in pain. She didn't know my pain or why.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
We are SO MUCH MORE than the nice lady married to their fathers.
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 2:39 pm
| watergirl wrote: | It's so, so sad and I hope never the truth that we are seen as nice ladies who married their fathers. That's really not the case with a lot of us. Many of us have a huge hand in raising them. I washed their clothing, made their meals, packed their backpacks, shopped for clothing, remembered their birthdays (dad forgets), remembered their favorite foods and snacks and made sure to stock them in the house. I know one of them likes only white meat in his soup, another wants the WHOLE onion from the soup. One likes vanilla yogurt, one likes berry. One loves this soft blanket so it stays on his bed and I got him one for chanukah to keep wherever he wants. As they get older, we research schools, fill out applications, shop for more clothing. We buy a ton more food because they eat a ton, and we cook it, spending way more time in the kitchen than anyone realizes.
The only thanks we get for what we do (and for the sacrifice we knowingly made when we married their fathers) is hopefully a thank you from our husbands.
I was just saying to my best friend today (also a step-mom), this role is a real chessed shel emes because we won't ever be thanked by the kids or by their mothers.
We are FAR more than just a nice lady who happens to be married to their dad.
Even worse, often the mothers won't let our step-kids see us as a nice lady. We are the villains, the evil step-mother. We are just trying to do our best. We make mistakes and unlike the real mom who can make mistakes and is excused, one mistake is remembered for life.
True story - I had my step-kids over the night I came home from the hospital from a c-section. My husband, on my request, drove an hour each way to go get his kids so they can be there also with the rest of the siblings for shabbos. We had ONE couch, and they were laying on it every time I went to sit down. My step-daughter was around 13 at that time and when she sat on the couch, it was a jump, not a gentle sit. After requesting so so many times that she sit down gently because the way she was sitting caused me SEARING PAIN, I yelled ONCE, in pain.
It's now 10 years later and my steo-daughter is a mother. She brought up over this past YT how I yelled at her every time she sat on the couch when we brought the baby home from the hospital. I reminded her of the scenario, which she forgot about - she just remembered me yelling when she sat down.
What do I remember? The abusive text from her mother when I had a newborn, admonishing me for yelling when her daughter sat down next to me.
She apologized (my step-daughter), but it was so hard for me to realize that all that time she only remembered me yelling in pain. She didn't know my pain or why.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
We are SO MUCH MORE than the nice lady married to their fathers. |
That’s your situation.
Some of us are merely that. A nice lady who married their father.
And we try our utmost to stay nice no matter what the situation is.
It isn’t always very pretty.
But we remain strong for our husbands, our kids and our step children.
Some of us are actually raising the step kids. Some of us only see them every other shabbos.
Some of us hardly see them.
But they should always view us as nice.
We remain a strong support while we actually need support.
Everyone’s role is different.
When we played dress ups when we were little kids, none of us begged to be the step mom. None of us.
It’s a situation that we ended up with.
And we are all trying our best.
There is no right and wrong because each situation is so different.
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amother
Slategray
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 2:51 pm
My husband has step mother and a great relationship with her BH
I’d say the top role is to be a supportive spouse.
The above posts were great
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watergirl
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 2:55 pm
| amother Pumpkin wrote: | That’s your situation.
Some of us are merely that. A nice lady who married their father.
And we try our utmost to stay nice no matter what the situation is.
It isn’t always very pretty.
But we remain strong for our husbands, our kids and our step children.
Some of us are actually raising the step kids. Some of us only see them every other shabbos.
Some of us hardly see them.
But they should always view us as nice.
We remain a strong support while we actually need support.
Everyone’s role is different.
When we played dress ups when we were little kids, none of us begged to be the step mom. None of us.
It’s a situation that we ended up with.
And we are all trying our best.
There is no right and wrong because each situation is so different. |
You are right. There are those who have literally zero to do with their step-kids. Personally, we are coming off a parental alienation situation which lasted for about 7 years and BH it looks like it's ending - took place after about 7/8 years of being married and is looking better now that they are all adults.
But I know both sides of this, as there were many years I had nothing to do with them.
There are also those who live in other countries and only see their step-kids for a few visits here and there over the years and are pretty much strangers.
Based on this OP where she will be attending a bar mitzvah and we got no other details, I assumed the kids were on the younger side and close by enough to be attending the simcha, so I imagine OP's role is not that of a stranger.
Also, you are talking to a step-mom (me) - I'm in there with you. I know none of us begged to be a step-mom, but we all walked into this role knowing this was our chance for lifelong happiness with our husbands. It could be our first marriage or second, but we all chose this for ourselves and I daven we all get the love and support in our silent roles (whatever they are) from our husbands.
Like I said, it's a chessed shel emes because even if our role is to be silent and only support our husbands and no laundry, no chicken soup, no shopping, it's still a thankless job much of the time.
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amother
Arcticblue
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 3:29 pm
Watergirl, each situation is different. It sounds like you really raised your stepkids. A lot of us have a biomom in the picture who would be furious if we got involved in things like school applications.
Regardless, I still think my position at the bar mitzvah would be "nice lady," especially if the other side is also there. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to take a motherly role in public with the bio mother right there, no matter how many of his favorite foods I make at home.
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abound
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 3:39 pm
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U all sound like amazing stepmoms..doing the best in your unique situations!
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watergirl
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 4:03 pm
| amother Arcticblue wrote: | Watergirl, each situation is different. It sounds like you really raised your stepkids. A lot of us have a biomom in the picture who would be furious if we got involved in things like school applications.
Regardless, I still think my position at the bar mitzvah would be "nice lady," especially if the other side is also there. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to take a motherly role in public with the bio mother right there, no matter how many of his favorite foods I make at home. |
Read my second post, and if you’re able, you can go through my posting history, and read more of my experience. One of the step kids, I raised on for six years, the other ones not at all other than our weekends and some holidays with them. Their mother was absolutely furious with any involvement I had it all, and was always telling me to stay in my lane, even though I never stepped out of it. Even knowing their favorite foods was infuriating to her. Why was I involved in a school applications? Because of the way that my husband‘s ex-wife behaved, we each filled out our own application, and my husband asked me to do ours. I’m not sure why she would need to know Which one of us filled out our application. We had to apply for financial aid because their mother refused. More applications. We had to do Camp applications because she refused, more applications. All of this, even during the years that the children didn’t talk to us.
Still, when they came to me, I cooked for them, made beds for them, shopped for them, etc. To this day I can tell you what each one of them likes for dinner, etc.
This is all nuanced, and like other, said, we each have our own Experience.
By the way, “bio mother” is insulting to the mom because it implies that their mother gave up custody like in an adoption situation.
Play a motherly role at the bar mitzvah? No, you should not take the mother’s place or time to shine. But if you have nachas to shep, shep it.
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amother
Arcticblue
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 4:08 pm
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Not trying to hijack but what term would be better than bio mom? I'm the step mom and she's the....??? I mean I hear how biomom includes a wide gamut of scenarios but not sure what's better. Birth mom is the same. Real mom? Father's ex who has 100 or 90 or 50 or 5 or 0 custody? Un-witch? I'm stumped.
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watergirl
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Mon, Oct 16 2023, 4:43 pm
| amother Arcticblue wrote: | | Not trying to hijack but what term would be better than bio mom? I'm the step mom and she's the....??? I mean I hear how biomom includes a wide gamut of scenarios but not sure what's better. Birth mom is the same. Real mom? Father's ex who has 100 or 90 or 50 or 5 or 0 custody? Un-witch? I'm stumped. |
Mom
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