Kids severe phone addiction

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 5:58 am

I have an 8 yr old and a 6 yr old that are addicted to the phone really, really bad. They act like drug addicts. The first thing they do when they wake up is ask for the phone and when they are reminded they need to eat, do netilat yadim, and read for 20 minutes it's like I asked them to climb mount everest. The most basic things (mentioned above) are unsurmountable for them because all they want and can think about are the games on the phone (Roblox, Toca Boca, etc). We live in Israel so they only recently returned to school after a 4 week break. My husband says everyone's kids are like this, but it doesn't seem right to me.

Please help me, what do you guys do to manage screen time/curb phone addictions?

Even if I limit their time to 1 hour a day, the next 11 hrs of wake time are spent fighting, bickering, lying and trying to sneak the phone, begging for more phone time, and then when all else fails being extremely silly and goofy and making tons of noise.

I need advice, please I'm desperate. This isn't what I imagined my kids would grow up to be. They were once so cute and innocent and would never behave like this, but I feel like the screen addiction has had such a bad influence on them to the point of no return and I don't know how to get out of this hole. I feel like we're so far deep in.

LisaS

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:11 am

We have had a similar issue - especially as the kids see all their friends watching movies now that they are home more. They want to play games on the computer all day too.

I decided to put a stop on it. I put my own phone away in my closet and go once an hour to check if there are important updates. This way they don't see me on the phone all the time. How can I expect more of them than of myself?

We have gone down to near-zero screen time. I'd rather my kids miss zoom lessons and be playing on the streets if that prevents them from turning into screen-addicts. First day there was lots of whining but we got past it. I am the parent and I can see the long-term goal and withstand the tears.

I say go cold turkey. The phone no longer exists. The first few days will be very hard - plan some exciting activities that will distract them. Plan to go out somewhere fun, buy a new game, whatever you know your kids will enjoy. If the family can go a week without the screens then the family gets a big ticket item. You get the idea.

Your husband is right that everyone is like this but make your family the example of overcoming the addiction!

Surrendered

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:13 am

First of all, this is a struggle I also have, though with teens. It's a big nisoyon in today's days.
#1- only allow with a filter (kosher phone).

In a calm moment, have a conversation with each child separately, and create boundaries. This could be done over ice cream at the table, while sitting outside or even better, when you take a walk with the child.
When both the child and you are calm and relaxed, in a nice atmosphere, they are more open to hear and make changes.
You start off with just schmoozing randomly, then broach this topic slowly, have a discussion and tell them what's on your mind, very calmly.
Listen what they have to say, and then create some boundaries of when they will be able to have the phone.
Keep the conversation light and positive (so that it doesn't create friction and anger).
Then you could offer rewards for keeping to the limits. Example: at the end of the day, I will let you choose a goody or prize from the special prize box (that you create, for doing what you have discussed).
This method usually works well.
Keep us posted

LisaS

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:17 am

Surrendered wrote:

In a calm moment, have a conversation with each child separately, and create boundaries. This could be done over ice cream at the table, while sitting outside or even better, when you take a walk with the child.
When both the child and you are calm and relaxed, in a nice atmosphere, they are more open to hear and make changes.
You start off with just schmoozing randomly, then broach this topic slowly, have a discussion and tell them what's on your mind, very calmly.
Listen what they have to say, and then create some boundaries of when they will be able to have the phone.
Keep the conversation light and positive (so that it doesn't create friction and anger).
Then you could offer rewards for keeping to the limits. Example: at the end of the day, I will let you choose a goody or prize from the special prize box (that you create, for doing what you have discussed).

I think your advice is spot on for teens, but OP has younger kids. For younger kids you are better off cutting off entirely. You still have the ability to control their usage.

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:20 am

LisaS wrote:

Thank you, this is good advice. What is near zero? Once a week? I feel guilty about not allowing any time at all especially as you mentioned, friends have it and also us adults too. I also want to teach them about proper time management, but honestly at the moment they are not getting any proper lessons in except for "how to sneak the phone as much as possible"

Brit in Israel

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:31 am

OP what ever you decide your husband has to go along with it. It won't help If you put all the rules down and work hard implementing it and then when he is looking after the kids he gives them the phone...

If you can delete all games, once a week better if less maybe give them the phone to look at photos or child friendly educational video but set it at that whilst you are cutting their nails or combing hair etc.

My 4 year old would act out every time I would take the phone away so I pointed out the behaviour to him and said if after having the phone this is how you behave I can't give you the phone again, he needed reminders occasionally but it helped.

Saying this they can't see you playing on the phone, use it for messages and calls when around the kids.
I would watch 20 mins of YouTube whilst sitting in the kids room by bedtime and my 6yr old ask if watching on the phone isn't good for the brain how can I be watching... Kids are clever and aware...

Now a days more kids watch but being addicted isn't normal

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:44 am

LisaS wrote:

He's right. First see if you can lower your own usage.

One thing that helped me was that I downgraded to a simpler phone that has only the basics: whatsapp, waze, paybox, pango, maccabi. But there is no browser. Anything done in a browser we do from the laptop. The phone is annoying but that's been a huge help in lowering our use.

That is my part of my plan to downgrade the phone..but I'm afraid that my kids will be devestated and then become even *more* obsessed, basically I want to make the switch smartly

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:46 am

LisaS wrote:

I agree with you. You don't want it to be the forbidden fruit. But I think they are young for time-management lessons.

I made a list of things I expect of them: dressed and davened by X hour, read for X amount of time, keep room clean, etc. If they do all this they can play for an hour a day. After the first few days they were more interested in playing with friends and doing other things.

Yeah I can try an organized list with times- my son has a watch and loves keeping track of time so I think that will help with him

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:49 am

My oldest is 10. We don't have this problem at all... I'm saying this so you know it's not everyone. And we are MO/DL. Both my husband and I have smartphones. My kids have never played one game on our phones. I think the main thing is keeping them busy with friends, Chugim, reading. Right now it's really difficult without our regular full time schedule in Israel. They just don't have any expectation of playing games on a phone.

I don't know if my advice is relevant, and I only said that I don't have that particular problem because you asked. I also have friends who don't have this problem. I don't know how to fix it once it started, but severely limiting with clear boundaries helps. Like 20 minutes each with a timer.

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:55 am

Brit in Israel wrote:

OP what ever you decide your husband has to go along with it. It won't help If you put all the rules down and work hard implementing it and then when he is looking after the kids he gives them the phone...

If you can delete all games, once a week better if less maybe give them the phone to look at photos or child friendly educational video but set it at that whilst you are cutting their nails or combing hair etc.

My 4 year old would act out every time I would take the phone away so I pointed out the behaviour to him and said if after having the phone this is how you behave I can't give you the phone again, he needed reminders occasionally but it helped.

Saying this they can't see you playing on the phone, use it for messages and calls when around the kids.
I would watch 20 mins of YouTube whilst sitting in the kids room by bedtime and my 6yr old ask if watching on the phone isn't good for the brain how can I be watching... Kids are clever and aware...
Yep cow a da9ys more kids watch but being addicted isn't normal

Yeah I agree that their addiction is not normal because my kids aren't like other kids that will in the end prefer to play outside or play with friends or learn to self regulate on their own - they will always prefer the phone over anything and everything. I've always tried pointing out bad behavior after screen time and they shrug it off

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 6:58 am

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Thank you for chiming in - yes, it doesn't seem like everyone in my kids classes have phone addictions- only a couple of kids in my son's class which of course he's the closest too. The kids in your kids classes don't talk about games? It all started when a kid we knew snuck my husband's phone and downloaded a game and then cousins showed my kids more games and that was it.

imasinger

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 7:05 am

There are two separate concerns -- attraction, and addiction.

My advice is to focus on the second part. LisaS is right, if you make an announcement that phones will be off limits for the entire family except for work or emergency, you stand a better chance, and cold turkey works best.

Do you have other ways of being notified if there are safety concerns?

Now that they're back in school, you'll have time during the day. So, when they're around, keep the phones away, and they'll move on much faster. After a few days, they'll find other activities again. You can help by planning some, and then gradually increasing unstructured time.

Once they're no longer fixed on using the phone to feel better (something many of us need to learn to do), you're past the worst of the addiction.

The attraction, however, will likely still be there. The best way past that appears to be a long campaign where parents discuss their values, and why they worry about what screens are doing to both kids and adults. Of course, this only works if a person practices what they preach. But over the long haul, it can help.

In the short term? Well, a 2 year old in my family whose parents are extremely careful about phone use only for work, still dashes to grab one any chance it's left untended, and pickpockets visitors as well. If anyone knows a solution, I'd be interested to hear.

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 7:13 am

salt wrote:

8 and 6 is young, but it's old enough to sit down and have a 'family meeting' with them.
Explain to them your plan to stop games on the phone.
And include them in planning other exciting activities for after school, friends over, fun parks, and possibly some 'bribery'/prizes for the initial stage - even big prizes if you can afford it (Eg scooter, bike).

I'm assume they are playing with your phone, and they don't own their own phone which they use for making phone calls/ take to school, etc.

Thank you, these are good tips. Yeah, it's me and my husband's phones..we have another old phone with a cracked screen that they scrounged up, but I linked it up to Family Link so its locked except for the 1 hr in the afternoon when it opens.

spikta

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 7:59 am

Echoing above - go cold turkey.

This will be much harder for you than it will for them. Just remember that. Don't feel guilty about not giving the phone to them, any more than you'd feel guilty about not letting your teens partake in the joys of cigarettes. Children don't thrive with phones, they become stunted, you see that. It is your job as the responsible adult to make the hard choices and deal with the consequences.

We had a nasty time as parents over the past few years having to work and function without our regular support networks - schools and daycares, and limited community support and human connection - so it makes sense that this happened. Not all kids are addicted like this (your husband is being blind to the problem, and sounds like he's a bit addicted himself), but it's not uncommon, because of the circumstances we were put in, being in on and off lockdown for so long while still having to function at 110%. We turned to screens because they shut our kids up, and unfortunately that's what we needed. Now we're paying the piper, because children aren't supposed to shut up for hours on end. They're supposed to run around and make noise and messes and play with others. It's great that you noticed the problem and are willing to change.

This change will demand a lot of you. If you expect to be able to work when they're around, kiss that idea goodbye, at least for the near future. They're used to dopamine spiking games and they don't know how to entertain themselves without them. You'll need to be giving them ideas for activities and *doing them together*. You'll need to be breaking up fights and reminding them how to communicate. You'll need to be modeling how to have fun by moving your body.
Most of all, you'll need to put your phone away when you're with your children. If something is urgent, you'll either get a phone call, or the tzeva adom app will alert. Don't kid yourself that you have any other reason to look at you're phone. If you need to get work messages, see above: you won't be able to work with the kids around for some time, until they're regulated. When you are with them you are offline, end of story. Add a lock to your phone (fingerprint, password, whatever), so even if they do swipe your phone they can't open it.
Make sure your husband is on board with all of this, particularly the no phone around kids and adding a password.

You can decide if you want to do some other screen time with the kids like videos, but make sure it's not on your phone, and that you decide and let them know in advance how long it will be, and don't do games. That will defeat the purpose. Games are what cause the dopamine addiction.

Good luck! It's worth it, really!