When do high school girls become growth oriented?

amother

Lightpink

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 4:08 am

I personally started thinking about life and deeper things and made significant changes starting at 13 years old. Not that I stopped being self absorbed but just religiously I made changes. Everyone's different.

Now I'm sitting around watching my own 13 year old and wondering when it's gonna happen to her. But she's not me and she'll grow at her own pace.

Highstrung

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 7:25 am

It’s different for every girl and I think it’s different for every generation.
When I was in highschool , by age 15 is when I really started growing but it started a little before that. 10th/11th grade .

But I don’t expect it at that age , from this generation. I didn’t have technology and cell phones as a distraction. We also focused a lot on others when I was in highschool. We did chesed because we wanted to , not because it was a program with reward. We volunteered and never expected any form of payments. Many of us were less self absorbed and more involved with how to help others . The world changed and it’s shifted quite a bit . So I wouldn’t expect to see the same outcome as when I was in highschool. I think we need to give this generation more growing time .

amother

NeonOrange

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 8:04 am

It definitely depends. And often, I think it starts building before you can see it. High schools make fun social situations out of volunteering, she goes, she enjoys, maybe she really connects to it and maybe she goes because it's fun to be with friends. Maybe she loves her hashkafah class because it's low pressure, and maybe she starts to connect. And one day she makes an important decision, big or small, based on these flashes of feelings, and then more.

Sometimes you see it in where thhey apply to swminary, sometimes years before, sometimes after. Some of the latest bloomers I knew are running seminaries and well known mechanchos and mashpios. And some of those are early bloomers too, but some of the early bloomers are doing their tafkid running their homes, etc.

Whatever you're seeing is normal. There has always beeen a range. And the start date doesn't tell you anything about ultimate paths.

amother

Quince

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 8:31 am

As a high school principal, I want to say that it happens in between all the phone checking and caring about what they look like etc.

The high school years are the most fascinating and inspiring years to watch. If you don't watch carefully, you can sometimes miss it.

What seems like a complete contradiction is also the most fascinating process. The very same girls who appear to be self centered can perform acts of kindness in a way that takes my breath away. The very same girls who seem to care only about what they look like, can partake in deep meaningful discussions on a level that is mind blowing. The very same girls that can come across as shallow, will daven in a way that is so authentic and inspiring!

I can give so many examples of what it is like to watch this transformation, but the main thing is to realize that they are complex human beings and that this stage of their lives is when they are working out so much of who they are and who they want to be. That's why it ofcomes across as kind of mixed up but I am always amazed at how somehow at the end of it all, they emerge as such wonderful young adults that make us so proud!

Chayalle

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 8:59 am

What Quince said.
The growth happens in different ways. My 10th grader, who enjoys socializing and phone conversations to an extent her big sisters never were into, is also standing up to her group of friends to include a girl who has some social issues and needs to be included.
And then she comes home and is on the phone constantly, etc....but I see the growth, in surprising places, and I know it's happening BH.

keym

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 9:16 am

It happens, shockingly within the "silly teenage stuff".
And you see it and find it if you're open to it.
The shmoozing incessantly about Yom Tov clothing and jewelry and makeup becomes a springboard to tznius conversations, personal standards, and growing awareness of not NEEDING to buy everything (even if you can afford it).

The DMC conversations that turn into shita and hashkafa.

The tremendous Chessed that so many teenage girls do, and are kind of encouraged to do by their peers. The Chessed "swag" and benefits that we may see as excessive but it actually encourages girls to volunteer.

The davening, tehillim, machsom lefi, keeping halacha carefully that is so subtle that you don't realize the process.

4 things that I discovered.

1. It happens so gradually sometimes that we don't realize it's happening and then boom.
2. Growth happens internally so much. And teenagers struggle with so many obstacles and it's too easy to take for granted the growth that's simply not plucking a facial hair on Shabbos.
3. Growth happens in the fun and rahrah- camp, GO, play, late night school decorating sessions.
4. We should be careful not to fall in the trap of "this generation of teenagers". Our generation was just as bad from the outside

amother

Snow

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 6:20 pm

amother Quince wrote:

Your post gave me chills. If only every principal was so attuned and aware of their students.

amother

Ultramarine

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 8:12 pm

As a long time hs teacher, this is something I think about a lot. I think a lot of growth generally happens somewhere between the end of tenth and eleventh grade. But each girl has her own growth curve. Each girl has her own life circumstances. Unfortunately it is usually a tragedy or difficult situation, even a difficult social situation that can be the catalyst for such growth and as we experience more and more challenges and our girls are shaken out of their superficial stupor and want real answers and real guidance and really start listening to lessons and seeking the truth they start to grow . Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone and there are unfortunately some who graduate in that superficial bubble . As quince so eloquently put it - I am many times amazed at those students who I thought were immature etc who do amazing chessed, ask really great questions and stay for a speech/ workshop at Shabbaton thirsting for more. If we encourage and welcome this there is so much growth that can happen.
I also frequently tell my students( who sometimes complain that some teachers lessons are focused on material rather than teaching them real life info) that growth is up to them . There are so many ways a teenager today can grow. So many Shiurim, so many chessed opportunities, so many ways she can stretch herself a bit if she just opens her eyes. They need to hear that we believe in their growth and believe in their good instead of constantly telling them how superficial or self absorbed their generation is.