S/O offer to pay - guests

justforfun87

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 7:29 pm

At what point do you think a request is nervy for a kiddush or when hosting a meal?

I know someone who went to a meal recently and when asked what she could bring the person asked for meat for the deli roll. She specified 6 different packs of deli, which I thought was nervy. It was a meal with a bunch of singles so maybe the host felt it should be more potluck style even though it wasnt specified, so I guess thats ok?

Is there a dollar amount? A patchky amount?

amother

Whitesmoke

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 7:32 pm

I would never ask someone to bring an ingredient to a meal. If they said "deli roll" I'd say 'about how many people and will there be other meat offered". and I'd figure it out from there.

theoneandonly

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 7:42 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I'm sorry, that's really strange. Even if it's a potluck meal, you can't specify to someone to bring an ingredient that you will use- that means they need to make an extra trip to your house to deliver it so that you can cook it! Who does that?

Whenever someone asks me if they can bring something to a meal,I either say nothing or a dessert. If you invite guests, you are hosting them, and they shouldn't need to deal with the expense or patchka of making an integral part of the meal. That's the host's job.

amother

Mintcream

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 8:02 pm

That's chutzpadick imo. That's a lot of money. When I was in college and we'd do potluck meals sometimes people would pitch in for deli roll if they wanted it but it was their choice (and we'd use like 3 packs of cheap meat). I would only ask someone to bring a general thing, like a starchy side, a salad, even if it was a main then I wouldn't specify what it was so there'd be a range of options. Btw in terms of it being potlucky, it depends on the circles, but I got married in my late 20s and potluck meals were the norm in the singles communities I lived in and visited for shabbos -- hosts usually made the main, but everyone else brought a significant contribution to the meal as well.

amother

Thistle

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 8:13 pm

I always say just bring yourselves unless there is something your family specifically likes. If they press, a salad or dessert.

I think anything that's expensive is not nice to ask. For example, I was asked to make pesto for a cousins simcha. I wasn't eating there just coming to the kiddush. They wanted a large amount so it can be used as a dip and salad dressing. Basil is expensive and I was annoyed when it cost me a lot to make.

They also asked another cousin to make all the challahs for their meals of 30 ppl each. That's a lot of hard work. If you invite ppl to a simcha it's gonna cost you and you can't put the expense on others.

Also keep in mind people's stages and how much things cost. Right when I got married my grandmother asked me to make broccoli for a family yartzeit seudah. I was very tight financially and I was very resentful when it cost me like $30 or so for the frozen broccoli. I didn't have the money for it and I didn't expect to be told I need to make it.

amother

Nasturtium

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 8:25 pm

That is such a strange rude request.
If you can’t get the ingredients yourself then don’t host.
When guests ask me what they can bring I say “bring yourselves”. If they bring flowers or a dessert I am beyond grateful but I don’t give them a shopping list.

I know people that host like that IRL. I think it’s tacky and unpleasant.

amother

Blueberry

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 8:32 pm

There's a difference between different ways of asking. There's saying "please bring X item," which a person really can't say no to, then there's saying "we could use either X, Y, or Z," which allows the person to choose, and then there's saying "we don't really need anything, but X, Y or Z wouldn't hurt."

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 8:46 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

Not nervy, just testing boundaries. If one offers to bring something, usually the answer is general (bring desert, or drinks, or a salad etc). It IS unusual to be asked to bring a meat platter and its OK to answer, I was actually thinking about a salad or a bottle of wine, or a brownie (etc), which works best for you?

essie14

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 2:29 am

If you are the guest, and you know your budget, then say, "I'd love to come, I'll bring a platter of cookies for dessert/bottle of wine/etc"
If you ask, "What can I bring" - I mean, what if she's having 22 people and wants you to make challah or salad for everyone?
It's extremely off, IMO, for a host to ask someone for something specific, unless the invitation is explicitly for a potluck meal. I personally never ask a guest for something essential to the meal, because you can't always rely on them bringing it, or bringing enough, or even showing up.

amother

Milk

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 10:28 am

I don’t know. My son goes to many single meals and everyone chips in. Otherwise, it’s not affordable. They even have entrance fees for some birthday parties.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 10:56 am

amother Milk wrote:

I don’t know. My son goes to many single meals and everyone chips in. Otherwise, it’s not affordable. They even have entrance fees for some birthday parties.

I think that has to be said upfront. Otherwise it would not be affordable as you pointed out.

Not being singe, if I am invited to join I assume I am being treated unless specified. I would of course bring a token gift (bottle of wine ).