Hitting, hurting? | Imamother

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:03 pm

I've seen a few threads recently about hitting your children, giving a potch etc and then one today about when your kids hit you.

I'd like to hear what your response would be to the following scenario that happened to me this week.

My 11 yr old son was frustrated with his 8 yr old brother and hit him. I removed him from the situation and sent my 8 yr old to read in my bedroom until he calmed down (special treat in my house - we have special books there and a beanbag to lie on). My 11 yr old tried to kick the door in to get to him. I removed him gently but firmly a few times. I could see he was out of it, no eye contact, just furious, lost control completely. The only thing that focuses him when he's like that is a quick smack which brings him out of the mood. But I don't like doing that.
In the end, I removed him from the door about 20 times, then he started banging on it, the door was going to break so I picked him up (he's heavy!) to take him to his room. He kicked me, I dropped him and he banged his head hard and got a concussion. He spent the night with my husband in the emergency room.

So, mothers who never ever give that quick smack, tell me, how should I have dealt with this one?

amother

Celeste

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:10 pm

He's going to be bar mitzvah in two years. There comes a point when he needs to be able to regulate without a "quick smack" and he is past that point. You should not be lifting him or engaging with him physically. If you don't know else what to do, professional help is likely in order to learn how to parent him with his challenges.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:39 pm

A quick smack stops him in his tracks and then he calms himself down. It's only when he's out of control.
He has ADHD and this only happens in the evenings when his ritalin wears off. We have professional help and a quick smack was the advice of the child psychologist to stop him being dangerous.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

Until what age does the child psychologist advise to do this? Who will give him this quick smack as an adult? You need more concrete solutions, maybe a change of meds.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

So I think this is a special circumstances situation.
Not going to weigh in on your professional advice since I’m not one but this is not the typical occurrence that is happening in most households. (Meaning your situation is different).

amother

Celeste

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Until what age did the psychologist think this was appropriate? I'm honestly speechless that a psychologist advised you to smack a preteen when he's dysregulated.

Tzutzie

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

IDK. My 10 yo also has ADHD and often isn't regulated. She's close to my height and almost 100 lbs! (I know she's bigger than typical But not that unusual at this age to be this size) How'd pick up an 11 year old boy?????
I'd think if I'd smack a preteen they'd probably see it as game and smack me back. I don't think a kid that age would take it lying down. (I haven't tried but that would be my guess)
Maybe he needs some other dose of soothing to tide him over the evening until he learns to regular himself.
His behavior is concerning especiallythat he's getting bigger. But smacking a 11 year old, idk. Maybe sometime has other ideas. A different psychologist maybe can have other ideas and tips.
I'm sorry you and your son are struggling with this. Hug

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:14 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

I would seek further help.
A house of hitting isn't what I would want.

Isn't that a bit exaggerated? A house of hitting?
We're talking about one quick smack once a month or even less.

The psychologist advised it as a shock factor to shock him out of dysregulation. Obviously it works better when I get there quickly enough to stop the escalation but that isn't always possible.

Does anyone have a better idea?

amother

Chicory

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

You have an atypical situation
You received advice for your situation
What do you want us to tell you exactly

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

You need a better long-term idea from the psychologist

Ema of 5

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Have you spoken to the psychiatrist about giving him something in the evening? I forgot the word for it, but it’s meds to get him through the rest of what he has to get through. (An upper maybe?)

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m a mom of similar kids. He’s clearly getting too old for this to be the go-to solution. You need to start phasing in an alternative to find out what works. Maybe a prearranged code word, a firm hand on his arm or shoulder, drop an ice cube down his shirt, even a shout would be preferable on a regular basis to “snap him out of it” when necessary, but you can’t keep smacking him forever and he’s obviously too big for you to carry off to a time out like a toddler.

Brainstorm with his therapist and with him, he’s old enough for a mature discussion at a quiet time.

amother

Viola

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:28 pm

I don't buy into "rewarding" the child who was hit - it creates more jealousy. You can praise the "victim" tell him how proud you are that he didn't hit back. And when a child is already impulsive or has anger management issues you exacerbate the issue. Your child who hit should have a consequence that's age appropriate - I don't know your background or how your kids are brought up but it doesn't need to be extreme. Like 10 minutes less screen time. Something that doesn't entail a power struggle. Main thing is to be consistent. Also depends on why the child hit - like if his brother said something mean to him then maybe just a reprimand is enough. I don't think kids should hit but it's important to maintain a happy positive home.
Remember there should be AT LEAST a 4:1 ration of positive to negative interactions in your home. There needs to be a lot of praise, love, hugs, in order to give a punishment.

amother

Hunter

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:31 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Confused
This isn’t a typical situation so why compare other threads to this?

It makes perfect sense. She's trying to brin out a point. All the hitting threads say there is no tolerance for hitting a child. OP is saying perhaps sometimes there is an appropriate time.

bigsis144

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 4:43 pm

Completely shocked that a therapist would recommend hitting someone - adult, or especially a child - when they are disregulated.

What happens when he hits you back? Do you hit him again, but harder? Where does it end?

Your child may need an adjustment to their medication if this happens frequently.

—

Long time imamothers would know that I have had very similar experiences to those you describe. It is **hell**. I am not asking people to comment on my situation, I am just trying to give you “I have been there” empathy and tell you what I have tried.

We had to replace our kitchen door this past month cuz DS14 slammed his hand through a window pane during a tantrum. The shock and pain of his bleeding hand turned his anger to fear and shame and my 5’10” son cried wordlessly like a toddler as I picked glass shards out of his hand.

After this, his psychiatrist added an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer to the adhd and depression meds he was already on. You can’t “drain a full bathtub” in an instant, and once he is on a roll, there is nothing we can do to instantaneously “drain” the chemicals in his nervous system that are making him lash out in a (almost literal) blind rage. So we have to keep him stabilized constantly, so that the highs and lows of his moods aren’t so swingy.

Hatzlacha and wishing you clarity and peace soon.

Last edited by bigsis144 on Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Blueberry

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 5:04 pm

amother Viola wrote:

The poor younger child who gets hit. All they’d get in your home is some praise for not hitting back? What about their pain?
Come to think of it, I’m not good enough with this in my own home. I need to start doing more for my child who gets hit. He really should get something to make him feel better, like OP does. I need to work on implementing that when needed. (And yes, the brother who hurts him has started therapy and is on meds.)