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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Simcha Section
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amother
OP
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 Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:43 pm
I was speaking to my daughter's future mother in law today, and she told me it's her family's custom not to wear certain colors to simchas.
Uhmm..I just bought one of those colors for their Sheva Brachos.
Do I need to conform to this custom?
I spent a lot of money for this dress!
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amother
IndianRed
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:44 pm
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Why would you have to follow THEIR customs?
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amother
Mustard
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:44 pm
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Never heard of such a thing. You can wear whatever color you want.
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amother
Brickred
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:45 pm
That's so bizarre!
Wear whatever you'd like.
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amother
Phlox
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:45 pm
It’s HER family’s custom, not yours. If she didn’t want you to wear it to sheva brochos she should have told you long before you started shopping.
As long as the kallah isnt wearing that color..
Last edited by amother on Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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NechaMom
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:45 pm
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No. She meant HER family.
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NechaMom
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:46 pm
| amother Phlox wrote: | It’s HER family’s custom, not yours. If she didn’t want you to wear it to sheva brochos she should have told you long before you started shopping.
As long as the kallah isnt wearing that color.. |
As far as the kallah... did her chosson tell her before the shidduch that he wants her to follow these customs and did she agree?
Otherwise she doesn’t become a puppet now.
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amother
Gladiolus
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:48 pm
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Wear what you want. Her customs are irrelevant to you
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amother
OP
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:48 pm
| NechaMom wrote: | As far as the kallah... did her chosson tell her before the shidduch that he wants her to follow these customs and did she agree?
Otherwise she doesn’t become a puppet now. |
No...the chosson never mentioned this to my daughter. My daughter never heard of it at all.
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NechaMom
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Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:49 pm
Op, just for curiosity, which colors?
I know many people only want the kallah in white at the wedding so the family won’t wear white. But you said sheva brachos.
Some people consider black only for a funeral.
Some never wear red. Not only by simchos.
I’m intrigued. Would you share?
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gottago
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:15 am
Are you talking about a dress that you are going to wear or your daughter?
If it's got you, I wouldn't worry about it. If it's your daughter, she might want to discuss with her choson. It might not be worth upsetting her new in laws.
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amother
Cantaloupe
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:30 am
| NechaMom wrote: | As far as the kallah... did her chosson tell her before the shidduch that he wants her to follow these customs and did she agree?
Otherwise she doesn’t become a puppet now. |
In his defense, he is a boy and may not have a clue that he’s family does wear a certain color to a simcha, his suit is always black and he probably doesn’t put too much thought into what his mom and sisters wear.
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amother
Eggplant
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:32 am
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NechaMom
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 12:36 am
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | In his defense, he is a boy and may not have a clue that he’s family does wear a certain color to a simcha, his suit is always black and he probably doesn’t put too much thought into what his mom and sisters wear. |
Right. But if it’s a family custom that his mother wanted her to follow it would make sense to mention it before. Most minhagim are discussed in advance.
If op bought something in that color it might be shocking for the kallah to learn that the chosson's family doesn’t wear it. What does it mean “we don’t wear to simchos” anyway? Do they wear it otherwise. I wish op would explain.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 5:21 am
| gottago wrote: | Are you talking about a dress that you are going to wear or your daughter?
If it's got you, I wouldn't worry about it. If it's your daughter, she might want to discuss with her choson. It might not be worth upsetting her new in laws. |
It's a dress I'm going to wear. The colors the chosson's mom said are purple, pink and black. It literally came out of the blue. Nothing has ever been mentioned to us before. Pretty sure the chosson isn't even aware of this!
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amother
OP
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 5:22 am
No.
Purple, pink and black are the colors.
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amother
Aubergine
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 5:35 am
| NechaMom wrote: | Right. But if it’s a family custom that his mother wanted her to follow it would make sense to mention it before. Most minhagim are discussed in advance.
If op bought something in that color it might be shocking for the kallah to learn that the chosson's family doesn’t wear it. What does it mean “we don’t wear to simchos” anyway? Do they wear it otherwise. I wish op would explain. |
Most minhagim are discussed before getting engaged??
I believe most are discussed when they first come up in real life.
Would someone really change their mind about marrying someone because of a minhag like this one?
Is it such a big deal to stay away from a few certain colors for Simchos?
In the secular world, there at least used to be a rule of not wearing black dresses to weddings. (Though Tuxedos for men were approved.)
Now, that’s truly a tough one!!
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amother
Jade
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 5:49 am
| amother OP wrote: | No.
Purple, pink and black are the colors. |
Black?!?!?
There goes my entire wardrobe!
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 5:58 am
| NechaMom wrote: | Right. But if it’s a family custom that his mother wanted her to follow it would make sense to mention it before. Most minhagim are discussed in advance.
If op bought something in that color it might be shocking for the kallah to learn that the chosson's family doesn’t wear it. What does it mean “we don’t wear to simchos” anyway? Do they wear it otherwise. I wish op would explain. |
The problem is that not every minhag can be approved ahead of time. I think its assumed in many circles that the Kallah takes on the husbands families minhagim. I assume this was the machataynista's way of telling the Kallah (through you).
Of course you follow your husbands minhagim and are free to wear the color.
If you love your daughter, and want her to have SB, I would encourage her to respect her Chassans families minhagim and not deride them. Is this such a big issue for her? A small concession on her part would be greatly respected. Especially once they see that the Kallah comes from a family with different minhagim.
OTOH, if you see this as manipulation, I would just keep my eyes and ears open - like if she told you, its her families custom that the Chasson and Kallah spend every Shabbos and Yuntif by the Chasson's side for the first five years etc.
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amother
Winterberry
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Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:03 am
| amother OP wrote: | No.
Purple, pink and black are the colors. |
That's so random
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