If youre the main breadwinner

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:41 pm

Can you give me chizuk? How do you manage day to day life with kids? Paying playgroup prices now , havent actually started paying actual tuition yet. I am awlays stressed about finances to the point its constantly on my mind. Due next month and I wont even be able to take off full maternity leave because we need my income. Please dont hug my post im really looking for helpful tips or commiseration. Didnt know my life would be like this. Husband works but doesnt make much. Doesnt seem like he is motivated to work harder unfortunately. Bounces from idea to idea. Hes a good husband and father and caring though. We are in counseling. Would be better if he went back to kollel, at least hed be making something

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:46 pm

I'm the main breadwinner. DH is in school. He has absolutely no interest in our financial state and leaves all the accounting up to me. We only have 1 kid and B"H can afford daycare so far. I make decent money and cover all our expenses (except his college tuition, yay student loans) but I work full time and have a long commute so I'm barely home.

"bounces from idea to idea" does he have ADHD? I feel like this comes up a lot on this type of post...

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:46 pm

amother Violet wrote:

Just because you're the main breadwinner doesn't mean you also have to manage the family's finances. Is it possible for him to take over that portion?

We tried it, it ddidnt work out so well when my husband fully takes over. So each month is different. Im the most punctual and I have alarms on my phone/autopay for most things

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:48 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

He was evaluated for ADHD twice and both experts said they dont believe its adhd. But I think hes just not so smart/money savvy or organized. I definitely think there is something there.Is it hard for you working such long hours and not seeing your kid? Do you feel resentful? Iyh your husband will make a good salary one day though since hes in school, for now our mazal hasnt changed and my husband didnt go to school so its not short term suffering for long term gain if that makes sense

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:52 pm

he also has his head in the clouds a bit. was discussing chanuka break with him and he said "why dont we both take off the week and do something?" and I just got so angry at him. I stayed calm in the moment its something im rly working on but hello I need to work to make money for us to live

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:01 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

It’s very hard. My husband hasn’t worked in three years. It’s a huge issue in our marriage.

Is there any point davening it gets better or do I just accept it and work longer hours to make more money

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is there any point davening it gets better or do I just accept it and work longer hours to make more money

Definitely worth davening, why not.

I chose to not have more kids until my husband earns an income. I’m keeping my existing job with its full time hours because it covers our bills and I’m not adding another child to our family until we can afford to once my husband stops being a child.

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel like I never got used to being a mother if that makes sense. I just come home and give her supper and put her to bed and that's basically all the time I spend with her during the week. Then Shabbos/Sunday I don't know how to entertain her for more than 15 minutes. I don't feel resentful I just feel bemused. Like is this how it's supposed to be?

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:18 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

that sounds smart. part of me wondered to do that too. but im almost 30 and I wanted a few kids. I would feel more resentful at my husband if I couldnt have more kids bc of him
what if your husband never stops being a child?

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don’t love having kids to be honest. I’d be having more kids to give my kids siblings, not for myself. So if he continues being a child, he will be responsible for my kids not having a lot of siblings. I’m not going to have kids I can’t afford. I know we were taught to do so in school but I’ve seen too many frum families in poverty, their homes going foreclosure, to ever do that to myself.

:)iknowit

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:29 pm

I can relate. My husband has add and the meds help. He is also willing to do more so for a couple years he had 3 jobs but he literally changed as a person. His whole personality, mood our home everything was stressed because he was always running from one job to another (and still not earning as much as me) now he has 2 jobs which he LOVES. One give health insurance for me as well so that’s a huge perk. And just having him available more is great. He takes care of getting the kids to school. He is home in the evening now and the kids are a little older and he can do homework which is also a huge help.
So what I’m saying is that you should try to find a rhythm that works for your family. Besides for earning actual $ there are Forsure things he can take on that will help you. Ie grocery shopping , cooking, car pool, making sure you have food for work. Then the resentments seem to be replaced with gratefulness.

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:57 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

That is a very mature outlook. Do you respect your husband? A big issue is my respect for him fluctuates..

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:59 pm

:)iknowit wrote:

Thats great you get health insurance. My DH is self employed so no benefits. My husband helps with dropping and picking up from playgroup. It doesnt help replace the resentment though. Ive tried focusing on the good he does for me and how helpful he is.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 11:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

That is a very mature outlook. Do you respect your husband? A big issue is my respect for him fluctuates..

Thank you, I appreciate that!

I really respect some things about him like how he’s great with our kids and is so patient and calm and intelligent. I don’t respect his lack of income, and I speak to him disrespectfully sometimes when we discuss it because of how angry I am at him. He definitely feels disrespected. But he shouldn’t be feeling respected when it comes to his lack of income. Respect has to be earned. He’s not earning it. In areas in which he earns it, I respect him.

ETA Honestly I’m quite cynical. There’s a more positive outlook some have, where if you respect your husband without him earning it then he’ll end up earning it. I don’t see why that would work but I’m sure you’ll get some of those people on this thread soon enough to share that perspective.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 11:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is counterproductive but really works, Give maaser (you can ask your Rav how much of your tuition can be used from maaser money), Promise Hashem that you will give more if he gives you more.
Daven (Hashem can really do anything and who knows, your husbands situation might change 180 degrees overnight, it can happen).
Make Shabbos/Yuntif special with treats reserved only l'chovod Shabbos/Yuntif..
Bezras Hashem, it will improve.

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 11:19 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

We were dafka told not to give maaser at this time unfortunately. We owe people money so we were told to pay back our debts then give. But I try to give tzedaka, even if its $5 a week.

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 11:20 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

Wow, we really sound alike. I speak to my husband disrespectfully sometimes because of how angry and frustrated I get. I am also cynical. I have 3 friends that just bought gorgeous houses and we can barely afford rent in our run down apartment. I was feeling very jealous but really trying to focus on the bracha in my life