Finances, and inner struggles….

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:18 pm

I grew up comfortable bh…and have been that way for most of my life…
Yet I was never into expensive clothing, shopping, fancy stuff…
I did spend money on food, comfort, simchas, and being generous with others..but always felt that money never defined me, and that I’m so much more than that.
But, Now that money is tight I realize what a big part of my identity it was…and how I’m much more self conscious even if I’m not living a different standard for the most part- looks wise - but there isn’t that knowledge that I could if I wanted to…..and it’s really taking a toll on me.

I keep wondering if my personality was what kept me popular all those years….or was my financial status a part of it? Or is my personality dependent on my financial security?

amother

Broom

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:15 pm

Sorry op for your situation. It is so hard! I didn't grow up comfortable but always had this desire to live comfortably. Unfortunately hashem had other plans and we are struggling. I hate it, it affects my personality! I'd love to have that security of knowing that I can afford what I want. It's HUGE inner work! I do believe financial security influences personality. You're more confident and happier and able to do things that make you happy etc.. it's a win win. (Not saying it's always the case but mostly)

amother

Razzmatazz

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:27 pm

I realized the popular kids and adults are self confident with outgoing personalities and money.

Coincidence? I doubt it considering I see this over and over and over again.

Try to keep up the confidence. I think that is the main thing.

So basically stop dwelling on all of this so you don’t drag yourself down Very Happy

Lemonade 2323

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 3:47 am

amother OP wrote:

I also felt giving was part of my identity. I was never rich but could help a little.
Now that I can't I've learnt to give in other ways.
E.g. ma'aser of my time so to speak. I offer to babysit, even if just for an hour. Or make a salad for a simcha or even for Shabbos for someone who can do with it.
Or just texting someone to see how they are, inviting a lonely person over or just giving someone a smile...

Money will only define you if you let it.
You're so much more than that.

Lemonade 2323

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 7:51 am

amother Broom wrote:

@lemonade.
Your line about money might be true but society treats ppl with money differently. You are limited without- sadly.

You're right, you can't change the way society thinks but you can change the way you think.

If someone feels they're a good person despite not having money nothing can change that.
It may take inner work but it can be done.

From someone who's been there.

amother

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 8:19 am

Lemonade 2323 wrote:

This actually resonates with me.
I try to give from whatever I have always.
Now that I have less in monetary things to give, I should try to give more of my time, etc….
I’m also that person that’s good company, always arranging things (which is harder without money, since the arranger usually needs to cover the gaps) makes people laugh….I gotta remember that!

Lemonade 2323

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 8:54 am

amother OP wrote:

Yep you'll soon how much you have to give!
And it's often so much more meaningful because you're giving of yourself.

I'll give you an example of something that happened to me recently.
A good friend of mine was marrying off a child and some mutual friends asked me if I'd like to join in a small sheva brochos.
I wanted to but didn't really have the $150 dollars I'd have to contribute.
So I offered to do all the putting together, like picking up the tablecloths from the gmach, ordering the drinks and warming up the food etc..
I gave more in time then the others and they gave more in money.
We each gave what we could.

amother

DarkRed

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 9:04 am

I've never had money, and still don't. We're not poor, but we're far from wealthy. I'm a pretty popular person. We have lots of friends, get invited out a lot (for Shabbat meals, to parties, Sunday BBQs in the summer), host a lot. My friends confide in me, and if I'm struggling with something, I have so many people I can turn to for advice and help. Wealth really doesn't factor into my social life or identity at all. I'm curious to hear how you feel loosing wealth impacted you. I think you can be just as interesting, engaging, kind, confident without money.

Lemonade 2323

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 10:27 am

amother DarkRed wrote:

There you go OP! My point exactly.
A listening ear can be better then anything can buy.

Although DarkRed you said that you never had money so therefore it never identified you.
For someone like OP who feels money gave her an identity it's a bit harder, but it can be done.

Some of us have money to share, some of us have a sympathetic personality and some of us have time to give.
But we all have something to give.