Bullies to Buddies

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 3:56 pm

I am a HUGE HUGE FAN

Disclaimer: I used it for myself when I was being bullied in my early 20s. While I believe it would work for children as well, it may be hard for them to understand/accept the gist of it.

I highly recommend for adults who are being bullied.

mha3484

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 4:07 pm

I just googled and this sounds like the approach we took with my oldest who had a lot of social issues in his earlier years. We took an approach that focused on what was making him a target to begin with and building him up, teaching him social skills vs making it all the other kids fault. My son is in 7th and socially doing way way better year after year. No one bothers him anymore.

I didnt let the other kid get a free pass, the school always worked with us on that one. But 75% of my energy was spend on my kid and 25% dealing with the hanhala.

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 5:47 pm

BrachaVHatzlocha wrote:

please share - what is it?

Basically:

If someone insults you, acknowledge what they said but act like you aren't at all upset.

Example: John shoots the ball and misses.

Rick: "You misssssssed!! Hahahaha you dumb klutz! Look everyone!"

John: "Thanks, Rick for pointing out that I missed, I wouldn't have noticed otherwise, lol."

So it's important to not get angry or whiney, but also just as important to not "just ignore them" which is the bad advice my mom gave me, and most people who ever tried to completely ignore a bully knows it doesn't work out so well.

There are a lot more very applicable examples in the book.

Totally changed my life for the better. I used to be terrified of social interaction because anyone could devastate me with just a few words. I highly highly recommend for any adult who feels bullied or has excessive anxiety over social interaction.

I'm pretty sure it would be very helpful for teens as well. Even though the book is aimed at children, I'm not SURE they'd be able to understand enough to implement it, especially small children.

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 5:54 pm

The best thing is it doesn't expect you to come up with a witty comeback to insults. You just need to acknowledge what they said and give a friendly smile.

So John could just look right at Rick and say "Yeah, I missed" and smile. Very easy and that would do.

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 5:59 pm

As the name implies, the point is NOT to beat or humiliate your bully, it is to turn them into a friend. A hard pill to swallow for people who have been hurt by someone, but it works. If you were the type of person who COULD beat or humiliate your bully, you wouldn't need this advice in the first place.

IME I was being bullied by coworkers and I did not turn them into buddies, but using this book as a guide, I felt good about myself instead feeling like I was pathetic. Also, I quit that job just about 2 months after reading the book. Then I started a new course, and a stranger said something insulting to me, and I used the tips in the book, and he actually did become a friend.

So if you've had longterm hurt from a bully, not sure you can turn them into a buddy, but you can feel like they are just a mildly annoying person and not a terrible menace, but it helps prevent new bullies by turning them into buddies IME.

amother

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 6:05 pm

Thank you so much for all these replies, its very helpful.
I am actually looking into this program for a 7 year old so I'm curious to hear if the method would work for such a young child...