Frustrated with my adult son

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 11:46 am

This is partially a vent and partially just wondering how others in my situation would respond.
My son is 20, ADHD and mildly on the spectrum. (Official diagnosis was that he has a "pragmatic communication disorder" but explained to me as ASD.)

He is in a regular mainstream yeshiva around 30 minutes away, and dorms. Rarely comes home.

When he does come home, I feel constantly frustrated with his self absorption, and cluelessness about how obnoxious he comes across. Otherwise he is a nice kid.

He doesn't bother coming to Shabbos meals. And when he does, he leaves the table. We always have to look for him, for chanuka candles, for kiddush, havdala. He's never around. Usually in bed. He stays up most of the night and sleeps until 11:30. He sleeps much of the day.

He ordered himself a laptop because the last time he was here I loaned him mine and he messed up something, and I won't let him use it again. He didnt ask me before buying it. But then he asked me to pay to replace his lost ID card and I said no. I said he obviously has money to pay for the things he wants (laptop and scooter) so he could pay to replace his ID card. Was that harsh of me?

He's always asking me to pay for stuff. I have never said no. This is the first time.

He asked my daughter to drive him back to yeshiva. She arranged her whole evening to be able to take him. And then he said the timing isn't good, he wanted to go much later. She was really annoyed, since this is not the first or second time this exact scenario has happened. She said she doesn't plan to ever drive him again so he should stop asking. He has done the same to me numerous times. He has no clue why she should be upset at him. And he spoke very disrespectfully to both me and her.

He ended up taking an Uber back to yeshiva. He didn't bother saying goodbye to me. I didn’t even know he left, I just saw his clothes were gone.

Today he texts me asking if I could send him his menorah. I asked him why he didnt take it with him. He said he forgot. I don't have an easy way to send him stuff.

I know he is limited. But his behavior is so off putting, that it's hard for me to extend myself.

Can anyone relate? I want to throw up my hands and give up on being mechanech him. He is so ungrateful and stuck in his own limited worldview. He also is convinced that he is the only normal one in our family. At the same time I feel I am failing him and his future wife if I don't try to teach him. When I try to say anything to explain to him why his behavior is not appreciated, I am swiftly attacked with how "dysfunctional" it is to tell him that. Etc.

(He has been going to a therapist for a few years but has refused to continue in the last few months. And I see a big decline. )

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 12:58 pm

Is he on meds for adhd? It might help some of his symptoms.
Did you speak to his rebbi/rosh yeshiva. Call and say you're concerned, how is he behaving in yeshiva? Is he learning? Is he getting up in the morning?
What can be done to help him?
Good luck!
I have a few adhd boys myself and what you're describing, although very frustrating, is pretty typical! Let him learn consequences from his actions.

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:21 pm

it sounds like a lot of basic skills are missing or expectations not communicated or taught.

for example: "in this house we light menorah at 5pm. I expect everybody to be there." and then teaching him to set an alarm for 4:50. there can't really be a consequence since he's 20 but maybe a natural one like: at the menorah your father gives out gelt, or the doughnuts are served, first come first serve.

telling him that before he leaves to go back to yeshiva, he should find you or call you and say goodbye.

his sister spelling out that if he asks for a ride, she will make these arrangements to accomodate him and is he ready to commit to her offer.

like he's doing his own thing which obviously doesn't work, but nothing is being scaffolded or communicated in advance, just having repercussions after the fact.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 2:38 pm

Maybe take him out for coffee next time he's home. Let him see that you're treating him like an adult. Then bring up something more serious, but non confrontational way. Like in another couple of years you might start Shidduchim, maybe it's a good time to find a mentor who could help you through (aka a frum male therapist) hopefully he will be willing to start taking some initiative...

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 3:24 pm

So now he keeps texting me that he wants me to send him the menorah and also his crocs
He wants me to send them in an Uber.
I don't want to because I want to teach him that it's not okay to leave the house without saying goodbye and acting like an entitled brat (sorry for language I just couldn't think of a better word) and then expect peope to do favors for you. This is something I've been trying to convey to him. You can't treat people badly and then expect them to help you out. People don't work that way.

But he doesn't get it. Ever. And if I say it, I sound like I'm taking petty revenge by not wanting to help him out.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 3:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

It makes sense.
Practically speaking, what do you expect him to do for hadlaka tonight?
He can manage without crocs.
How far is yeshiva? Do you want him to buy a disposable one? Is he offering to pay for the uber? Can he borrow from a friend?
Call him up and discuss it with him.
"I'm sorry you're missing your menorah. Let's think together of what you can do instead.
Maybe if you would have told me you're leaving I could have reminded you to take it!"

amother

Electricblue

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 3:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Personally I would tell him that he should have said goodbye and whatever else you want to say and then say you will try to have them sent to him or you could uber them if he pays for it. Let him be responsible for getting his own things.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 3:48 pm

amother Mistyrose wrote:

I told him to use his scooter to drive to the store to buy a new one. The one he used at home was a disposable one also. He said he would then end up missing seder.

amother

Electricblue

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 3:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

I told him to use his scooter to drive to the store to buy a new one. The one he used at home was a disposable one also. He said he would then end up missing seder.

So I would leave it at that. It is his responsibility to get one. He has options.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 4:06 pm

He is on meds but he only takes it for learning. So he was probably off mwds over chanuka vacation.

I just spoke to his rebbe. Rebbe said there is a bachur in yeshiva who is selling menorahs.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 4:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

I told him to use his scooter to drive to the store to buy a new one. The one he used at home was a disposable one also. He said he would then end up missing seder.

If he really wants one he can get it. It's not your problem if he misses seder. He needs to take more responsibility for his stuff. And if you keep enabling him how will he learn?

LovesHashem

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:08 pm

Sounds to me like he's not suffering the consequence of things not working out.

Can you cater to him less? Was his therapy focused on skills with someone who had experience with ASD?

amother

Denim

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:37 pm

He has real limitations. All this talk of him being selfish is coming from his ADHD and asd. It's not about gaining him reminders or guilting him about his behaviors. He needs to be taught every skill one by one. All the organization and all the social skills. How else do you expect him to run his life if he can't plan or take another person's perspective? Regardless of whether or not he had specific training from a skilled asd professional growing up, he clearly still needs ongoing learning. You should reach out to other parents or organizations and find out how to provide this learning for your child.

amother

Electricblue

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 5:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

He is on meds but he only takes it for learning. So he was probably off mwds over chanuka vacation.

I just spoke to his rebbe. Rebbe said there is a bachur in yeshiva who is selling menorahs.

See even in this situation why couldn't your son speak to his own rebbe about getting a menorah?

amother

Seablue

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 6:42 pm

I am going to disagree with the other posters. My 17 year old son has ADHD and executive functioning is real challenge for him. I try to support and help him whenever I can. His life is hard enough the last thing he needs is for me to make it harder. Trust me he is not happy that he has to ask you to send his menorah, he would much rather have remembered to bring it. Maybe if you would be a more of a supportive presence in his life he would say good bye to you when he leaves the house.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 7:05 pm

I appreciate the different perspectives here.

To seablue: I struggle with exactly that. I try to go out of my way to be tolerant and go the extra mile for him. I make him the food he likes and indulge him where I can. But at the same time, I find it very hard to do things for him when he seems oblivious to any efforts, doesn't say thank you, and expects things to go according to his schedule.

For example, when he learned in a yeshiva closer to home, I used to pick him up from yeshiva. I would generally have to wait 10, 15 or even 20 minutes for him. Finally, at some point, I would wait just 5 minutes and then leave. He would have to walk home.

He stopped going to the therapist because he expected the therapist to schedule appointments according to his schedule, rather than taking into account that the therapist also has a life and a schedule.

When he is home for shabbos, he will always ask for cholent exactly 5 minutes before licht bencthen. When I'm rushing around to finish up. And he will ask for soup after I finished serving everyone (and he was nowhere to be found) and I just sat down to eat my own soup. And if I get upset he simply doesn't understand why. He just asked!

That's what I mean by self absorbed. Erev Pesach when everyone is helping out, he will sit on the couch with earpods in his ears. And if I ask him to do something, he will nod and say okay. But not do it.

I know his life is hard. I don't see how I'm helping him in the long run by doing things for him and cleaning up his messes.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 7:06 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

See even in this situation why couldn't your son speak to his own rebbe about getting a menorah?

I don't know. I guess it's easier to just ask mom to spend 30 dollars to send an 8 dollar menora in an Uber.

Rappel

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 7:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is it not safe for him to get up and get his own bowl of soup or cholent?

Last edited by Rappel on Tue, Dec 12 2023, 7:13 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Electricblue

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 7:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't know. I guess it's easier to just ask mom to spend 30 dollars to send an 8 dollar menora in an Uber.

But that is you enabling him further. He needs to learn consequences and not just have you do everything for him. I have a husband and son with severe ADHD and I would give suggestions for him to do to solve the problem and then let him learn.

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 7:23 pm

A lot of this sounds like it’s stemming from his ASD rather than the ADHD (even though there’s so much overlap.) Do you have any professionals that can guide you with all of it? It’s so challenging.

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