To the person whose kid bothers my kid in school

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:12 am

smss wrote:

Yikes.

Good parenting is hishtadlus. We can't control the outcome.

I will say it to other parents,too, when my kid gonna bother theirs constantly. I don't sent kids to school and don't pay tuition (and don't go to work every day to earn money to cover tuition) ,so that someone would say "I'm so sorry, I'm not responsible for outcome". My kids dont bother other children, that's it. And if someone's do, they have to make sure I don't have to deal with it, it's their job as a mother.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow. Sincerely hope you are never tested with a child who you can't control. That's all I can say.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:16 am

amother Magenta wrote:

Wow. Sincerely hope you are never tested with a child who you can't control. That's all I can say.

at this point when my kid is suffering,I think it makes sense to validate her feelings first, and hope that a busy educator at least knows what's going on with her kid. Would you want your kid to be bothered by someone "parents cannot control"? You will feel bad for the other parents, right, not your child. My validation.l to her tough luck gonna start when she will understand how much her kid is a trouble and annoyance to mine, and how many hours I have to listen and support my own kid after she comes back from school. I m all open for discussion, besides one thing -again, my kids don't add her extra burden. Hers add to mine.

smss

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:22 am

amother OP wrote:

I realize you are speaking from a place of pain, and I've been there too (being the mother of the kid who other kids are being mean to). It's awful. 😫

And, I think it's wrong and hurtful to blame parents for their children's behavior. I know some wonderful parents who
are loving and firm and who absolutely model middos tovos who have very difficult children. It's just not in a parent's control how their kids turn out. We can't take the credit and we shouldn't take the blame. (We take credit or blame for how we parented. Not for how our kids behave.)

amother

Blue

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:25 am

a person might not be able to control her kid but I would like to think that the parent would be aware if her kid is a bully and be in close contact with the school sharing with them what she is doing to work on it and that the school should be keeping an eye on the situation and be in contact with the bullied's parents.

I have a kid with a different type of issue and I've been in frequent contact with the school. they know I'm aware and that I am taking active steps to rectify the situation, spending lots of time, money and effort and am willing to do whatever needs to be done to make it as least problematic to the school as possible even though I can't actually stop it.

my dd had a girl in her class with issues and I was really upset at the school. my dd shouldn't have to deal with someone stealing.... and the response I got is that the parents are really working very hard to help their daughter. I was still upset but it's something to at least know that the parents are taking it seriously.

op have you spoken to the school at all, I find that that they aren't always aware of what's going on?

mushkamothers

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:26 am

Wow.
This is my biggest insecurity with teaching (preaching) about parenting. I worry about people judging me by own kids behavior.

The fact is the only person I can control is myself. I cannot control my child or their tantrums. I cannot control if they're cranky, if they're sick, if they have medical diagnosis like pandas (yes it's a real thing) or mono or even an ear infection, or a behavioral diagnosis like ADHD or ASD or ODD or any other alphabet soup (also real).

I cannot control their social behaviors or lack thereof. I cannot control their smartness, processing speeds, intelligence or lack thereof.

You call it "bad middos" but a child who does not perform is always a child who cannot. No kid wants to be the bad one, the annoying one etc. And yes if it's a lack of skills, those can be taught, but how do you know they're not being worked on?

If this lady is any good, she's well aware of where and how her child struggles, and she's already putting all her effort into him.

That's my response to your OP on her behalf but I understand that you're a parent who's hurting watching your child hurt.

Have you reached out to the other mom? Why do you think she's not aware of what's going on? How is the school helping you deal with this?

Last edited by mushkamothers on Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:31 am; edited 1 time in total

mha3484

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:30 am

I don't want to say too much since people here know me but my son had a very complicated bullying situation a few years ago. The kid clearly has a lot of problems. My son was old enough to pick up on that. The yeshiva also really had his back but it was still really really hard as a mother to watch. I used to ask myself the same kind of questions. How you can let your kid act like this. Why are you sending him to school knowing he is just going to torture my kid.

After a few weeks of this, I realized it wasn't working. I practiced holding two thoughts in my head at one time 1) This kid clearly has a lot of struggles and I can empathize with that. If I were this kid, Id be angry about life too. 2) You cant treat my kid as the korban. After that coming to that realization, I mellowed out a lot. I didnt stop advocating for my kid but I came at it from a better perspective.

Hope this helps.

Last edited by mha3484 on Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:31 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:31 am

mushkamothers wrote:

Wow.
This is my biggest insecurity with teaching (preaching) about parenting. I worry about people judging me by own kids behavior.

The fact is the only person I can control is myself. I cannot control my child or their tantrums. I cannot control if they're cranky, if they're sick, if they have medical diagnosis like pandas (yes it's a real thing) or mono or even an ear infection, or a behavioral diagnosis like ADHD or ASD or ODD or any other alphabet soup (also real).

I cannot control their social behaviors or lack thereof. I cannot control their smartness, processing speeds, intelligence or lack thereof.

You call it "bad middos" but a child who does not perform is always a child who cannot. No kid wants to be the bad one, the annoying one etc. And yes if it's a lack of skills, those can be taught, but how do you know they're not being worked on?

If this lady is any good, she's well aware of where and how her child struggles, and she's already putting all her effort into him.

I can only do my best, and keep educating myself further so that in fact I know I'm doing my best. And you can bet I'll then turn around and educate other mothers, and yes even charge them for it and make a living from it, so they also get to have the best leg up and get to know they're doing their best.

That's my response to your OP on her behalf but I understand that you're a parent who's hurting watching your child hurt.

Have you reached out to the other mom? Why do you think she's not aware of what's going on? How is the school helping you deal with this?

if you are by any chance that mother, pls make sure your daughter doesnt bother mine, ty.

amother

Amaryllis

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Op, I know just what your feeling because my child is being bullied in school. It can make you so angry and sometimes I wish I can go to the school and shake the kid until they stop!
Practically speaking, there is nothing the other mother can do from home, when her kid is bothering yours at school.
I'm trying the bullies to buddies method, I can come back and update on how it works for my child.

amother

NeonPurple

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:38 am

amother Daisy wrote:

It’s obvious from the first post this isn’t a one time thing .

And?
A mother can't make sure her kid will or will not do something, especially if she is not there with him/her.
The only thing is, and I'm not clear from OP- is the mother aware of what her child is doing? And is she at least trying anything to stop it? and sending apologies to OP?

amother

Daisy

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:41 am

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Sorry, but a mother has to do everything in the world to stop her children for bullying others. And if she cant stop it, she should keep her child home instead of the bullied child staying home in addition to getting her life ruined.

amother

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 10:43 am

giftedmom wrote:

Op frankly you don’t come across as very nice yourself. And it could very well have been your kid bothering other kids, no matter how great you think your parenting is.
You need to have a meeting with the school and they need to address this. Your anger is misdirected.

my anger is 1000 valid and I'm a nice person. Why would you think I'm not nice ? I am nice, and very angry.