Should I talk to DH about a child lying?

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 8:50 am

DH asked DS12 if they did something, and he made up a whole story about doing it.

For arguement's sake, let's say he asked him if he bentched (not this)

I know with 99% certainty that he is lying.

Should I share with DH that the child lied (or that I am almost certain that he lied, with proofs to back it up)?

What good will it do? Am I doing something wrong if I withhold it?

I did not confront DS since I have no idea what to say... he'll just dig in his heels and insist he did
Also, even if I let him know that he lied about it I still don't know what good that will do for him long term.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:05 am

If you have proof then why are you not sure?

You are not supposed to put someone in a position where they will lie. So I suggest talking to DS but start off by saying you already know the truth, and just want to know why he felt the need to lie about it. Is he struggling with something but doesn’t want to disappoint you? Is he scared of a reaction if he tells the truth? Kids that age don’t usually lie for no reason, so I definitely don’t think this should be ignored.

I’m definitely wouldn’t mention anything to DH without at least finding out what happened first

amother

Gladiolus

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:21 am

1)The Torah says it's OK to lie for Shalom bayit. Saying something can "light a fire"

2) Alot depends on how the question was asked. Sometimes kids don't know how to react and/or how to defend their actions so they resort to lying. They then feel very guilty about it and live with the pain.

3) If it's something that keeps happening, discuss it with your child in a mature way without blaming or accusations. Just quietly between mither sbd child.

Wishing you great hatzlacha.

Frumwithallergies

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:27 am

If you are only 99% sure, then no, I would not say.
If you are 100% sure, then it depends on what. Religion--- I would not tell.
If it was drugs or safety issues, I probably would.

amother

Lightblue

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:31 am

It really depends. But there are instances where I share something about my children to my husband and specify that I am doing so soley so he is aware and we can monitor if it is becoming an issue. Not to bring it up with the child, after ive already dealt with it. Basically my husband knows and my child doesnt know that my husband knows as it serves no benefit to the child at that point.

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:32 am

amother Pewter wrote:

I have proofs but I'm sure it can be explained away. Without other background I might have been unsure, but based on this child's history I am quite sure he's lying.

Again, I'm saying 99% . Very very close to 100% sure...but not there

Why would he lie? because he dislikes doing this thing and doesn't want to say that out loud.

Use the example I gave in my OP - that he lied about bentching- even though I made that up, it's close enough. For all intents and pruposes let's say that's what it was.

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:34 am

Frumwithallergies wrote:

If you are only 99% sure, then no, I would not say.
If you are 100% sure, then it depends on what. Religion--- I would not tell.
If it was drugs or safety issues, I probably would.

Yes, religion.
I don't know how to inspire him , or if DH can inspire him, but am I being neglectful if I don't give dh a chance ?

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:36 am

amother Lightblue wrote:

Food for thought. Thanks
I didn't say anything to ds, but maybe I should?
It won't do me any good to "prove" to him that he lied about it - he'll only dig his heels in and argue.
I would have to just say to him that I know that he didn't do X , without getting into a conversation about it. Not sure how that will go over.

amother

Snow

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 9:45 am

I discuss Chinuch situations with DH always because I trust his advice on how to proceed. If DH will be helpful in teaching the child then yes tell him. If DH would be unhelpful and rush run with calling him a liar and yelling at him it’s best you figure out how to correct it on your own

amother

Rose

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 10:31 am

Yes. You are partners in chinuch and if he’s not abusive you should be sharing everything with him. By withholding information you are ruining your relationship with your husband.

How would you feel reversed? Would you want your husband to watch you being played and think you accomplished something when he has information that it was a fail and clearly another method must be used? You help no one by not saying. If he knows you both can try to deal with the issue of why he lies and you can find another path of chinuch .

amother

Crocus

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 6:17 pm

I don’t know about telling your husband, but one of my children used to lie. Even though I knew he was lying, I never accused him of lying. If I felt it was a chronic thing, I might have done differently, but it wasn’t. Anyway, he doesn’t lie anymore and he trusts me explicitly.

Frumwithallergies

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 8:47 pm

This is tough and might depend on how your husband responds --- on issues of chinuch, I find it helpful to have guidance from teachers and one particular Rav.
That being said, my DH and I discuss the issues as well BUT we are not experts, so we discuss with experts. Does that make sense?

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 9:41 pm

ayalaf wrote:

Children don't lie for no reason. I would try to find out why he feels the need to lie

It sounds like he didn’t want to do the thing he was asked to do. My guess is OP has a feeling why he doesn’t want to do it.