Online group etiquette rant

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 12:58 pm

I participate in an online women's group which starts at 9am. Invariably, when I come on at 9 or a bit before, they're already talking and they don't even say hello.
This morning I came on at 8.58 and they were already in full swing.
I just didn't feel like tolerating it today. I said, in feigned innocence, "What time does the group start? It's just 9 now and it seems to be in full swing."
The coordinator rabbited on about how she came on early to check on everything, someone else said she had come on 1-2 minutes early (impossible), and the coordinator started to repeat the whole story they were talking about.
I said it was OK, they didn't have to repeat everything for me, I just wanted to know what time the group started, and left it at that.
I think it's rude to start talking before the start time and not even greet the people who come on time. When I run a group I begin at the start time.
Am I over-reacting? Overly concerned with manners?
?

NechaMom

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 1:11 pm

They can do small talk until 9:00 but pause to greet everyone who joins and officially start at 9. The question is if that discussion you heard was just women socializing or something you wouldn’t want to miss and they should’ve waited? Honestly, if some women come on early you can’t expect them to keep their lips zipped until 9. That’s scientifically impossible 😆!

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 1:21 pm

NechaMom wrote:

They can do small talk until 9:00 but pause to greet everyone who joins and officially start at 9. !

It's actually only a social group.
It started as a support group from the shul during the height of the pandemic and when the shul discontinued it, a few of us decided to keep it going on our own.
One woman ran it for a while, then she was too busy, I ran it for a while then I was too busy, and now the current coordinator does it, although I step in every few weeks when she has something else to do.

Goody2shoes

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 1:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

if it's only social with no program then it'll automatically start whenever 2 people come on. That's how many it takes to start a conversation going.
They should be greeting everyone who comes on though

NechaMom

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 1:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agree with thistle. You can start joining at 8:55. The only non-etiquette part is their being so engrossed in their discussion that they don’t greet. Some people do that IRL too. Usually with no ill intent. They’re too busy talking to notice. Argue

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 1:36 pm

kenz wrote:

I’m curious about this. It’s like a daily zoom for socializing?

Weekly. We also get together for lunch from time to time, but that's not frequent. And people see each other individually outside of the group.

kenz

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 1:42 pm

I’ve never heard of such a thing but it sounds like a great way to keep an active social life. It sounds informal so if you can, I would try to just ignore the breach in etiquette and maybe log on a bit earlier, as others have suggested.

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 1:52 pm

kenz wrote:

I would try to just ignore the breach in etiquette and maybe log on a bit earlier, as others have suggested.

That's a good idea, although I have a tight schedule. Probably best to accept that that's how they are and I tend to do things differently.
It's funny, though, that the current coordinator has a tendency to criticize people's behaviors!

amother

Pink

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 2:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, I think you're being rigid. Rigidity never helps in a social situation. If they start 5 minutes earlier, just join 5 minutes earlier. If it doesn't work for you to join earlier, then you can talk about that with them. The time it's called for is irrelevant - this isn't a college class you're paying tuition for.

amother

Hydrangea

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 2:40 pm

Because it doesn't sound like a group with an agenda, but rather just a chance to have a chat and socialize, it wouldn't really have a start as such. It's just whenever people join, then you start talking.
And if you think about IRL, if you're in the middle of a deep discussion, you wouldn't necessarily stop right then to greet someone who join, you might just finish up your discussion, then say hi. So it's similar online.
I'm in the middle of doing a training course, and we have regular zoom sessions as part of the course. Just last night we were in the middle of a discussion, and someone joined halfway through. It wasn't really the type to pause in the middle. We finished up, then greeted the new person and clued them in.

amother

Candycane

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 2:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

I really like punctuality and respecting people's time. I usually find I'm more annoyed with latecomers (who are sometimes disruptive) but starting early can also be inappropriate and disrespectful.

amother

Thistle

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 3:00 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

I really like punctuality and respecting people's time. I usually find I'm more annoyed with latecomers (who are sometimes disruptive) but starting early can also be inappropriate and disrespectful.

I don't see it as disrespectful at all if the whole point of this is to shmooze and socialize. These things happen naturally and controlling every aspect of it will make it stilted and uncomfortable for everyone

amother

Mon, Dec 18 2023, 3:10 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

Others seem to differ, but I still think there's something not quite right about the combination of starting early, when others may not be able to make it, and then ignoring them when they come at the actual time that has been set.