Baby born after parents are separated

saraklein1

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 8:59 pm

How do you make a bris after the parents are separated. my daughter in law just gave birth to a son. my son and daughter in law are no longer living together. who makes the bris and how do you handle the discomfort of both sides being present when there are no good feelings between the sides

Last edited by saraklein1 on Mon, Feb 12 2024, 10:40 am; edited 2 times in total

112

eduardo

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 9:02 pm

They suck it up and make the Bris together. The father is responsible to the Bris itself so let him find the mohel , and the mother can plan the event if she wants (or however they both agree to split it)

At the end of the day, they now have a child together. Like it or not their in each others lives forever and hopefully will be making many simchas where they’ll have to be in the same room for a few hours.

caffeine99

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 9:03 pm

This sounds so stressful

Halachically it's on the father of the baby to make the bris...but mom is usually needed to take care of the baby before and after.

I'd say if there is that much tension let the father of baby do bris and be there to support daughter only. Then make a small separate party...

Really tough maybe call a Rav..

momsss

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 9:05 pm

I had a friend in that situation she had a boy a year ago and was separated at the time.
Was very hard and awkward but both sides did there best to behave polite and civil.
Her x made the bris but my friends mother came along to bring and take the baby
its uncomfortable but everyone was very respectful at that time to eachothers and really admired both sides for behaving so properly. Hatzlacha its a real tough one

happy7

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 9:19 pm

Make it really small.
A minyan and that’s it.
Father should pay for the mohel.
If she doesn’t allow him to come, then the expense is on her.
She and the baby do not need to stay for the seudah.

Woman of Valor

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:31 pm

happy7 wrote:

Make it really small.
A minyan and that’s it.
Father should pay for the mohel.
If she doesn’t allow him to come, then the expense is on her.
She and the baby do not need to stay for the seudah.

"Let him come"? What in the world? It's his kid.

Blessing1

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:35 pm

Woman of Valor wrote:

"Let him come"? What in the world? It's his kid.

Unfortunately, there are wicked people out there that do not allow the father of the baby to attend the bris. (It usually comes from the girls parents....)

happy7

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:39 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

Unfortunately, there are wicked people out there that do not allow the father of the baby to attend the bris. (It usually comes from the girls parents....)

Exactly. If this is the scenario, then he should not be expected to pay.
Yes, both parents should be there. But if the families are not on good terms (as was written in the original question) then these things can happen…
Unfortunately, they do happen.

Goody2shoes

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:40 pm

Woman of Valor wrote:

"Let him come"? What in the world? It's his kid.

Sad but I've heard it happen. A relative recently made a pidyan haben without the baby, his x wouldn't let him have his son.

Last edited by Goody2shoes on Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

Einikel

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:41 pm

alwayssmiling wrote:

Sad but I've heard it happen. A relative recently made a pidyan gaben without the baby, his x wouldn't let him have his son.

So sad! Is that halachikly valid?

groisamomma

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 10:47 pm

nightingale1 wrote:

Please cut her a little slack though. At the end of the day she just had a baby.

Her role in this is likely long over. Once the couple's parents get involved, it's usually not about the couple anymore...

OP, if that's your real name in your username I'd suggest you change it or post on a forum where you can be anonymous.

tweety1

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 7:04 am

My niece just has that. Like 2 months ago. The 2 were very amicable. They discussed the logistics together. The actual suedah was in a grandparents home. Both sets of parents were there. It was a beautiful bittersweet simcha but it worked out beautifully.

Living Princess

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 7:11 am

saraklein1 wrote:

how do you make a bris after the parents are separated. my daughter in law just gave birth to a son. my son and daughter in law are no longer living together. who makes the bris and how do you handle the discomfort of both sides being present when there are no good feelings between the sides

OP maybe you want to switch this thread to an anonymous forum? I don't know who you are but others might.
Hatzlocha getting through this. Any chance that there will be a reconciliation? I think he/you should offer to be as generous as you can. Often the girls side pays for the Bris, sometimes they split, sometimes whoever chooses the Sandek. By our daughter's first baby our mechutanim paid for the Bris and my husband was the Sandek. Yes, they are very kind and gracious people.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 1:26 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

Unfortunately, there are wicked people out there that do not allow the father of the baby to attend the bris. (It usually comes from the girls parents....)

And vice versa....
But I dont think this is relevant to OPs question.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 2:38 pm

I have a relative who is divorced, and I give them credit for the two beautiful Simchos they have made since, with both sides invited and the costs split between them. It's about the kids, not the parents. And even though this child is a baby, he BEH has a long life ahead of him....the time to start parenting him amicably is NOW.

purplejellybean

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 8:56 pm

saraklein1 wrote:

Lol wouldn't let him have his son is funny...was he a get refuser....that sounds like a good reason "nor to let him have his son"

Its very sad. I have a brother in law who is divorced. He gave the gett right away. His ex tortures him. He does something in construction yet lives in a small basement because he has nothing left. She chose to send the children to Modern Orthodox school which cost waaay more than Chasidic School. Aside from the fact that they obviously no longer look like belonging to any chasidus. The list goes on and on. Dont throw tomatoes at me but he simply has no leverage over her. They Go out of the country with out letting him know etc. Sometimes I wonder if he gave the Gett too easily. There is no right answer. I am just a simple person watching him suffer. He is a cohen as well which makes it more difficult....Theres two sides to every story. I hope for this little baby boys sake his parents come B'sholom and make him a Bris with joy and happiness. I wish both of the parents find their way to happiness and this little boy grows up in a way that makes every one proud.