Otd son bought a smartphone

amother

Viola

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 10:16 am

amother Lightblue wrote:

FWIW, everyone has a password on their iPhone. It is literally part of the process of setting it up. Even the police or FBI can't get into an iPhone with a password - unless someone is stupid enough to use an obvious one like 1234 or their birthday.

While you are focusing on teenagers, the majority of people who have iPhones ((or other smart phones) have very critical data on their phones - not just personal texts or email. They have banking and financial information, medical information.

Also with a password, if you lose your iPhone or it is stolen, it is essentially useless to the person who steals it because it is unusable.

You can skip that step of the process. I use to not have a password. But then I got hacked and then I got a password.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 10:27 am

You’re responsible to set the rules in your home. That might mean putting a filter on the home WiFi or turning it off for certain intervals. You can tell him not to bring the phone in at all and only use it when he’s out. You can absolutely tell him that you don’t want your younger children to see it and especially not to have them use it. I don’t believe that will cause him to further rebel. I think he will respect you more for it. He needs and wants your guidance deep down even though it may seem otherwise. Do not be afraid of him. He will sense your fear and lose respect. Set whatever rules you feel are necessary and do it with confidence and consistence. Using a phone as a medicine is not healthy. It’s like saying alcohol is a medicine. If he’s using it as a medicine, get expert help to teach him better healthy ways to cope.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 10:31 am

amother Sapphire wrote:

Although this can be good advice with some kids, I think you skipped the last sentence in Op!!!
Op please reach out to experts if you want to save the relationship with your son! Setting more "rules" that he "has to listen to" will not bring you closer!!!

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 10:59 am

amother Blue wrote:

She said he’s mad at the moment. He’s mad so now he has free rein to do whatever he wants. He’s acting like a typical teenager. I don’t understand the big concern. Being scared of your child won’t make the relationship better in my opinion. He’ll do whatever he wants anyway and in addition to that, he’ll lose respect for you. He wants his parent to provide some guidelines. Not only that, he’ll appreciate it. It doesn’t have to be looked at as “rules that he needs to listen to.” It’s house guidelines for the protection, safety, and well being of the whole family. It doesn’t have to be discussed while he is mad. Find a calm moment , and bring it up kindly. It’s necessary.

amother

Cognac

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 11:05 am

He’s in pain. He’s not purposely trying to be bad. He will not listen to rules now obviously. This situation will not resolve with setting more rules and giving punishments. This is a whole different league.
Unfortunately I know too well.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 11:50 am

amother Sapphire wrote:

Mother sapphire, do you have a struggling son or daughter? Did you have one in the past?
Any of your children ever bought a smartphone on their own?
Just curious if what you wrote worked with your child.

Cheiny

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

How would you deal with a totally unfiltered cell phone in your home? Maybe I should accept him and his choices right now but he's my oldest and I have four younger kids who could be exposed to anything! This is not about how he got the phone. It's a given fact. Besides the fact that his school could find out.... but my younger kids are really the main concern
Btw, he is very mad and not speaking to us at the moment .

Your house, your rules. You’re right to be concerned about your younger kids’ exposure to material you don’t want them to see.

Are you working with a therapist for guidance on how to best deal with your son?

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:56 pm

amother Blue wrote:

I’m not seeing what OTD has to do with it. Even a non Jewish parent is responsible to run a house and decides what belongs in the house and what doesn’t.

Even in the case where a husband would like to watch let’s say inappropriate movies, a wife with children would make guidelines (not in front of the kids, not on devices that belong to the family, etc.)
Can an OTD husband or child bring pork into your kitchen? Into your home?
Can your child OTD or not bring a girlfriend home and make out on the couch?
Can they bring in cigarettes and give it to younger siblings?

You’re allowed to set guidelines, not only are you allowed to, it’s necessary.

amother

Cognac

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 1:21 pm

amother Sapphire wrote:

You simply don’t get it. Listen to a few lectures from rabbi shimon Russel and then come back. It’s something you can’t understand unless you have dealt with this. Logic has no place here.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 1:23 pm

amother Sapphire wrote:

It's not limited to OTD. In all the scenarios, the parent or wife has to think ahead and consider what they are willing to do to enforce the "guidelines" (I assume you don't mean just helpful suggestions) if they are blatantly disregarded.

Do you divorce the husband? Require the child to move out? (May not even be possible at certain ages). Double down in other ways? Going down such a path requires forethought.

If you have obedient kids that do what you want, then yeah, go ahead and make guidelines.

amother

Steelblue

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 2:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

Isn't it too much of a temptation for the others if they know there's something forbidden in the house they can't use? I mean they can always sneak into his room and he wouldn't care...
Dh thinks we just have to get rid of it which would obviously cause a further rift but might be the lesser of two evils. I'm not sure if I agree...

Dh and I both have unfiltered smartphones with a password and it’s never been an issue for the kids. Just make sure his is password protected. You need to be on the same page as him regarding not allowing the other kids access.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 2:06 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

Then how do you enforce anything? Obedient children don’t need many rules. A child goes OTD, that means he gets to do whatever he feels like and your home becomes a free for all?

amother

Khaki

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:48 pm

amother Sapphire wrote:

Then how do you enforce anything? Obedient children don’t need many rules. A child goes OTD, that means he gets to do whatever he feels like and your home becomes a free for all?

You try to reach agreement. If you can't, you decide whether it's worth going to the nuclear option. If your OTD child is willing to sit down together and discuss rules and agree to a framework, wonderful. Seems like many above posters have had that experience. If the parent child relationship has generally been a good one, I think most kids will want to work something out even when OTD.

But you can't really do much to force rules on the ones who don't want them, short of the truly nuclear options.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jan 08 2024, 6:03 pm

amother Sapphire wrote:

Then how do you enforce anything? Obedient children don’t need many rules. A child goes OTD, that means he gets to do whatever he feels like and your home becomes a free for all?

Unfortunately if you speak to parents of OTD kids you will notice a pattern of kids doing exactly that: they get to do whatever they want in your house!! Because it's their house too, they don't have another one!!!

That's why it's really important to keep a good relationship with your kids, they'll want to please you and listen to the rules!!

If they were listening to rules, they wouldn't be OTD!