BP chasuna etiquette

amother

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:05 pm

A colleague of mine is making a wedding for her son in BP. I’m an OOTer and need some help understanding the “done thing” here.

The invite says “Chuppah at X time and dancing at X time”

I assume this means there’s a meal in between for a smaller group of guests to which I am not invited. Is that correct?

If so, what do people who aren’t local do during the break?

Any other advice for a country bumpkin?

mommy3b2c

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:08 pm

You choose to go either to the chuppah or the dancing

GrowingUp

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:10 pm

It’s pretty standard not to write what time the dinner is.

Did you get a return card? If so, that means you’re invited for the dinner. If not, then just go either for the chuppah or for the dancing.

If you would like to go to both, then maybe find a local eatery/coffee shop where you can hang out at for a bit.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:11 pm

Did you get a return card?
I there is one it means you're invited for the whole wedding- meal included if not then you can choose to come kabbolas panim/chupah or by dancing

mfb

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:11 pm

Or sometimes on the bottom of the invite it says everyone is invited for the meal without a time

amother

Poinsettia

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:27 pm

Most chasidim I know don’t send return cards

happy7

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:29 pm

If you are coming from out of town, you should have been invited for the meal

Einikel

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:32 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Most chasidim I know don’t send return cards

This. If it says on the bottom your presence will enhance our simcha it means you're invited for the meal. Return cards are generally not a thing.

Arep

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:34 pm

Sometimes the invitation states something like "Return cards we don't send, for we hope you will attend". Which means full night invite. Possibly this is a Chassidish thing though.

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:39 pm

If you got a return card, you’re invited for dinner in between.

Edit: or if the invitation says something like your presence will enhance our simcha, or we don’t send return cards. Then you’re also invited for the whole thing.

If you didn’t, you can go for either chuppah or dancing, you’re not expected for both.

amother

Cherry

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:40 pm

Like others have said, if it's a chassidish wedding you may consider yourself invited for the entire night including the meal.

amother

Birch

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 6:42 pm

If it's a chassidish wedding, you are most likely invited for the entire wedding.

amother

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 7:32 pm

No return card… the invite was sent by email. She is the nicest and I don’t want to be presumptuous or cost her extra by showing up at the meal if not invited, but based on responses here it sounds like maybe yes go to the whole thing?

Edited to add: she did say “I look forward to dancing with you” which I guess either means “come for the whole thing” or “both times are listed but choose to come for dancing” (or just “I’m being nice”)

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 7:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

Did the email have an RSVP link?

amother

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 7:36 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

Did the email have an RSVP link?

Nope

mommyhood

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 7:36 pm

At most weddings I go to there’s more seats than guests. People just don’t stay for the whole thing. There’s definitely exceptions, some people have huge families that actually come and stay or positions in the community so they get a huge turnout but if you feel close to them it’s probably safe to assume you can stay and eat.

snooper86

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 7:41 pm

Since it’s a wedding and not a smaller event like Bar Mitzvah or Sheva Brachos the portions are not really counted once the wedding starts (it’s only an advance discussion of approximately how much etc.) also everyone overestimates and many don’t end up coming or come and don’t eat etc.. if you feel close enough to stay (do you have anyone to sit with?) then definitely do so especially if you are traveling for this.

dankbar

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 7:45 pm

If she said I look fwd to dance with you, it means that just a Mazel tov not a meal

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 7:46 pm

If you have a colleague to sit with, go for the meal.
If you know no one go for dancing or chuppah.

realsilver

Tue, Jan 09 2024, 8:01 pm

I would not travel into a wedding if I am not invited to the meal.