Article in binah about step-MIL

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amother

Sat, Jan 13 2024, 11:36 pm

Anyone read it?
I’m scratching my head how it made it past the editorial board. It’s so obvious who’s the problem here.

jewjew85

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 12:31 am

Can you sum it up here?

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 1:08 am

Omg yes. Couldn't sympathize with her even a tiny bit.

amother

cornflower

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 1:17 am

This might be the very first interesting thing I've ever heard about the Binah.
Can you sum up?

amother

Lime

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 1:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Anyone read it?
I’m scratching my head how it made it past the editorial board. It’s so obvious who’s the problem here.

Huh? Why is it so obvious? Totally didn't see it that way.
I'm not saying she's 100% right, cause we're only hearing one side of the story, so we really cant judge.

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 3:01 am

No. She's trying to show you how she is a different person than her husband and she does not deserve to be severely punished for anything he did.
She's 100% right.
Sad that you can't see it...

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 4:43 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

No. She's trying to show you how she is a different person than her husband and she does not deserve to be severely punished for anything he did.
She's 100% right.
Sad that you can't see it...

But that’s the thing. She’s not being severely punished at all. Just weirdly taking it that way.

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 4:46 am

amother cornflower wrote:

This might be the very first interesting thing I've ever heard about the Binah.
Can you sum up?

Older Single woman without kids marries divorce with married kids. Assumes she will now have a complete family. Is totally shattered (word in the title) that his DILs are “disinterested” in having a close relationship. Complains that they don’t call or visit her and didn’t even “care that she exists” when she had hernia surgery.

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 4:55 am

amother OP wrote:

But that’s the thing. She’s not being severely punished at all. Just weirdly taking it that way.

In my world- excluding someone to that extent. Saying that you'll come and then not coming last minute... is severely punishing them...
Not coming to visit or calling or sending food when someone so completely alone in the world has surgery??
Seems like you live in a different society than me where it's okay to be rude to people like that...

amother

Tiffanyblue

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 6:59 am

I didn't read the article, but I did grow up with step grandparents where my grandparents remarried once there were already grandparents. Neither one of my parents had a significant relationship with either step parent because by the time they were on the scene the "kids" were too busy with their own families to invest in that new relationship. There was no punishing. It just wasn't a relationship.(the one who put effort into a relationship with the step children had a great relationship with us though)

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 7:20 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

Are you saying they should’ve called and visited because she’s a lonely nebach because she seemed to think they owed it to her because she married their FIL.

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 7:50 am

amother OP wrote:

Are you saying they should’ve called and visited because she’s a lonely nebach because she seemed to think they owed it to her because she married their FIL.

Because they know her and she is a lonely woman. End of story.
Not going sends a horribly rude message. End of story.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 7:50 am

1. Stiffing someone you know prepared a party for you is obnoxious
2. Loudly discussing the circumstances of the departure of the first mrs. In front of the second mrs. Is abhorrent
3. If you can visit an old lady in a nursing home you can be civil to the new MIL
4. Is she needy yeah but I think that nice ppl try to fill those needs

dankbar

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 7:59 am

Those things were rude, and she says she tried so hard, but from what she writes it seems like she is like totally imposing on them, because she wants to show she cares, and gets overly involved in their lives, because she wants a relationship with them. To me it seems like she is not giving them what they need, but rather shows care and gifts for her own needs, to feel needed, and feel good about herself. It's almost as if she is forcing a relationship down their throats.
Even when one does chesed, within any relationship, even if there is a real need, always smart to take the cues from the recipient.
Same with a relationship, especially a mil/dil one, always take the cue from the other one. If they need space, give it to them, then they will be coming to you, don't force anyone that they must be close to.
She didn't have dgtrs, she wanted her step dil to fill the role of being her dgtrs. It doesn't work that way. Dil will never be dgtrs, and especially if she came in later in their lives.
It's nice to be civil and respectful but she can't expect to be best friends with them now.

They still had their own mother, plus their original shvigger still around and seems like they were siding with her, in reference to divorce. It becomes sticky because becoming close with new mil, might be bothersome to their real mil. Might be they were instigated against her. It becomes a dilemma about split loyalties where their mil might've feel betrayed.

Of course best, is to be respectful all around and embrace all bubbies. New and old, just another Bubby. Seems, though, like she wanted to hog all bubby attention exclusively.

dankbar

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 8:03 am

It seemed the point of article was to show, top girls in shidduchim, because they were top in academics and popular in school, has nothing to do with being top in a marriage middos-wise.

SuperWify

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 8:05 am

Can someone please summarize for those of us who do not get the Binah?

dankbar

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 8:11 am

Upthread someone did.

Sometimes those head counselor type of girls are so haughty and ba'gadoled but cannot be humble and hachnoah'dig to thir husband's, even on the market they're considered the top.

octopus

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 8:14 am

Eh amazing top girls means absolutely nothing in my book. Sometimes you have a girl who really is amazing and tops. But most of the time these girls labeled as top are snobby, cliquey, and only nice to their own. I loved how in high school the teachers considered certain girls "top girls" when in reality they were not nice at all!

Chayalle

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 8:59 am

As someone with a remarried parent, these things can be complicated. I didn't read the article, but anyone remarrying someone needs to understand what his relationship is with his kids beforehand, and their expectations need to be realistic, or they will be very disappointed.

Adults who are already married and out of the house are not suddenly looking to adopt another parent. Yes, it would be courteous to call in various situations, but they may not be looking to become someone's dream family, and relationships cannot be forced.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:28 am

Chayalle wrote:

Exactly to all of this.

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