Help me create a discipline plan

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 6:13 pm

Hi all! I have two boys, age 6 and 4, and am having some discipline issues. May be I am just older, but these kids are harder to discipline than my older set and I feel like we need to shape up a bit. They are not listening, talk back to me and their older sisters (not my husband), etc.

One issue I have is the lack of effective punishments/consequences. Time outs don't really work, but other than taking away the 6 yr old's watching time or gedolim cards, there is really not much I can do to make him pay attention. May be take away dessert too. He will literally just laugh at me. I was trying to think of extra privileges I can give him as the "older brother" so that I can take them away when needed as a punishment, but can't come up with much. I feel like once I have something in place for the older one, the younger one will follow because he copies what his older brother does.

The other issue I have is the fighting. I feel like the 6 yr old frequently gets physical with his younger brother, for no real reason. Sometimes he is provoked, but often just because he doesn't know how else to get his message across or handle his frustration. I have a hard time punishing because I often don't see what happened and of course they each claim the other is at fault, but I have a feeling that many times it is not provoked at all. By now the 4 yr old is learning to hit as well, so I feel like it will become much more of an issue unless I stop it, but I am not sure how to implement that.

So I would love to hear what you have done with your kids to help them listen better and reduce the fighting. What ground rules did you set? What consequences did you give? Thanks in advance!

ftm1234

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 6:21 pm

It sounds like punishing them isn’t working.

What about motivation?

Don’t give them privileges only to take them away; the kids will know and feel awful about it.

giftedmom

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 6:39 pm

Can you come at it from a less combative perspective and try to instead see where things are going wrong and what you can change instead?
I wouldn’t worry much about the boys fighting. It’s what they do.

teachkids

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 6:56 pm

More than punishing you need to get to the root of why they're not listening. Are they being bossed around too much that they're trying to get control of their own lives? Do they have just too much energy they can't control? Are they trying to be seen?

CPenzias

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 8:03 pm

Sticker chart with specific goals. "I kept my hands to myself" "I shared my toys"
Set a timer for half an hour and ask "Yossie, did you keep your hands to yourself? Great!" At the end of however many stickers he gets to do a preferred activity for a few minutes and then start the cycle again.
If he hits during that time, you add time to the timer so it takes longer to earn the sticker.
I teach kindergarten children with autism and one child was hitting his classmate and the adults (me!) But so hard! He would grab my glasses off my face and throw them across the room. I was so frustrated and wondering how I was going to make it to June. I spoke to my coach (she came in to observe and he did the same thing to her! ) she suggested what I described. I was skeptical but we used the timer and puzzle pieces (he earned a piece after 2.5 minutes) but your child is older and I'm assuming not special needs. If you think 30 minutes is too long, make it 15 and increase the time over time.
It's a pain in the neck to be consistent with but believe me when I say I haven't been hit in over 2 months. When my student gets upset he will sometimes scream (gotta get it out somehow) but I acknowledge "I see that you're upset but you used nice hands. High five!"
Good luck 👍 💓

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 8:12 pm

Instead of pushing do reward charts for positive behavior. They are great ages for it. Have simple clear cut behaviors that they can easily earn a reward for. Especially in the beginning. As time goes on you can increase the challenge a bit.