Hosting a meal and I need to chill out

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amother

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 7:55 pm

I'm hosting one shabbos meal. Just one! And I'm getting stressed about it. I hate that I'm not chilled about having people in my home. Maybe it's having to have things be perfect?

We get invited out pretty often and I feel like I must repay all these nice favors. I just wish I could be more chilled out. Like who cares if my house is a little messy, who cares if I don't serve tons of food.

What's hosting like for you?
What do you serve on a typical shabbos lunch?
How clean is your house? lol

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 7:56 pm

It does stress me out to host too.

amother

Stonewash

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 7:58 pm

Most people I know are stressed by hosting, you’re so normal.

It helps to make a concrete list for everything - food cleanup shopping etc and just focus on the tasks.

amother

Rainbow

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 8:00 pm

I get excited, then after shopping I start to panic and worry I won't have enpough food- then I make too much and think- well we have leftovers for the week.

I find making a list for myself helps.
appetizer (so many great ideas on here- even gefilte fish works
main- protein, starch, vegetable
Dessert and fruit.

That's the basics.
It's great that you are coming out of your comfort zone and I am sure your guests will appreciate whatever you offer. If you are really worried- buy an amazing dessert!

I think as long as your eating area is clean no one is looking at anything else especially if you have kids and they have kids- its gonna get messy anyway!

amother

Mulberry

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 8:00 pm

I host all the time and there are only a handful of people where I get the vibe they are less than impressed with my housekeeping and/or culinary skills. The rest are like me when I go out and just happy for the company and the shabbos meal off.

amother

Azure

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 8:08 pm

My house is messy and I do get nervous about not serving enough so I usually overcook.

amother

Heather

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 9:54 pm

I am the same, but there are two ways I try to look at it to make myself feel better:

1. I think about how when I go to other people's houses and things aren't perfect, I'm actually pleased. I feel more relaxed and I feel better about myself and my own hosting. So I like to give the gift of imperfection to other people.
2. I think about how hosting makes me clean up and get things sorted and that is really a gift to myself. Sometimes I even invite people over so I WILL clean up the house.

Hope that helps!

amother

Smokey

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 9:56 pm

I get very overwhelmed from hosting so we almost never have guests. I feel a lot of guilt about it because my daughter wishes we had guests often and loves the rare occasion that we do.

momof2+?

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 10:02 pm

Idk if you’re looking for validation or advice….
But I’d suggest you have easy guest(s) first. A single cousin, a boy in Yeshiva in your city, A single man/woman which may feel less overwhelming than hosting a family.

seeker

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 10:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just keep up the self talk of "who cares if it's a little messy." Really. It'll be fine. Talk yourself into the chill you want to feel.

You want to have enough food, but it doesn't need to be fancy, just plentiful. Embrace the idea of enjoying leftovers later on.

Re mess, I think the basic standard is things shouldn't smell and people should feel comfortable that their food was prepared hygienically. So, toys all over the living room fine but puddles of goo on the kitchen counter not fine.

My life is busy and I'm not geshikt. I want to have people but I'm not up to remaking my whole lifestyle for it. So I host with my mess and my fairly simple menu, and if you don't like it then you won't come again and we'll miss you but it's fine. And if you want to judge me by how long my kids sit prettily around the table, good luck with your karma. I'll be fine.

We do tend to have a lot of repeat company so I guess my standards aren't too low to tolerate. We also have people who only came once and I assume that's because they are either homebodies who only came once to be yotzei not insulting dh, or because they are wildly popular and are still trying to get to each friend once.

hodeez

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 10:56 pm

I'm upright about it too. I overcook and make sure it's clean when the guests come. If it gets messy as they're there I don't really care.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 11:29 pm

I have a Shabbos takeout business and people mostly order when they’re having company so you’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed. I find if I don’t feel a pressure to impress I’m much more relaxed

amother

Taupe

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 11:41 pm

My sister sent me the initial post, and asked if I started the thread 🤣🤣. Yes it is very overwhelming to host!! I wonder if you're finding a bit of comfort in the fact that so many ppl are in the same boat as you.

ray family

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 11:49 pm

I hate hosting. And I rarely do it. WY too much stress/anxiety for me

amother

Currant

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 11:51 pm

Lots of ppl get nervous hosting. You will be great. Ppl are just happy to go out and enjoy a meal with a family. I host a lot but I'm so used to it because it's low pressure people -singles, neighbors, single moms, etc. You and your family should have a lot of bracha from welcoming guests. And as a poster said before- messy-ish is fine, hygienic and clean bathroom is important.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 12:38 am

Being an anxious person in general, I understand you very well. Funnily enough though, hosting is about the only thing in this world that does not stress me out. I think it's because my abilities in the kitchen are about the only ones that I'm absolutely sure about and confident in. Of course when I host a lot of people I spend the day of in a flurry of activity making sure the house is presentable as well as preparing all the food, mostly from scratch. However, for the most part I enjoy it- the build up and during the meal- the clean up, not so much.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that people get stressed out by different things

amother

Orchid

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 12:46 am

Trust me, everyone will be very excited that someone else is cooking for them, so you're already onto a winner!🏆

But a clean kitchen and a clean bathroom will make them feel more comfortable. And remember, no-one knows what you planned except you. So when they leave and you discover the extra side dish still in the refrigerator (BTDT), it really won't matter!!!!

amother

NeonPurple

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 12:49 am

OP I appreciate that you posted this because I'm feeling really validated by this thread! I relate to all of it- getting stressed by it, wishing I didn't get stressed by it, worrying about the food and the cleanliness.... it feels like a lot! And I wish it didn't and I wish I could host more often.

salt

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 5:44 am

amother Turquoise wrote:

Sounds a bit like me - I get nervous and worried about a lot of things in life, but we have guests almost every shabbat, so that doesn't stress me out. Well, last minute guests do a little, depending on who they are.
I don't make an effort to have a tidy house, eg. I don't bother to tidy up toys that are all over the floor. But I would have a clean bathroom, clean towels, etc.
We cook simple, and have pretty much same menu every shabbat, unless I get the urge to try something new.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 6:03 am

Having guests causes me to get stressed as well. I think I am the one putting pressure on myself though because a lot of the same guests return so I guess it can't be that bad. The cleanup is most stressful for me.
My guess is that most people understand that children make a mess. Therefore if toys are left out they won't be horrified.

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