I really dislike my child/ren

amother

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 8:39 pm

I really know that this is horrible. We're supposed to love our children, I do, but I don't like them. Hashem has given me one challenging child after another so yes I stopped having any. When they are babies and little they are cute and their issues are little, it's just downhill from there. I'm a terrible person, shoot me, but I wish I had normal children and a normal household. No amount of self care or sholom bayis or therapy can take away the mental and emotional exhaustion of caring for my kids. It's 8:30, since 4 today there has been yelling, screaming, ranting, destruction, and fighting. One kid is non stop arguing bc he is ASD and OCD so he just goes on and on, trigger the other one who has a mood disorder who is then throwing things, another one is having an absolute meltdown over orange juice. It's been an entire evening like this. Days and weeks and months of evenings like this. Where is the nachas? Where is the family I dreamed of and davened for? My kids have no friends due to their issues and they can't get along at all.
I'm miserable and I hate being a mom.

amother

Dustypink

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 8:50 pm

I just came here to say that I can relate to a lot in your post. Just this week I told my husband I don't think I'm cut out for this and I can't handle being a mother. (A little too late, I have teens already) I used to wonder if everyone's kids are so crazy, but I think mine really are harder and have issues that make it harder to deal with. I will say, if they are functioning well enough to go to sleepaway camp, even special ones that deal with issues like Kaylie, or when they are old enough to go to yeshiva if they are functioning well enough for that (mine did get kicked out more than once) but that really does help things calm down around the house. I really really get you. wishing you lost of strength

amother

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 9:52 pm

P.S. none of my children are babies. These are all grade school children, this is not about waiting until they get a bit older.

I don't understand why Hashem gave me these children. I'm not doing a good job at all. I'm constantly struggling. I do not have it together. I often lose it at them. I don't have special stories to share about their beautiful neshamas. I'm not a strong person. Im miserable and often think of running away or CV worse.

amother

Hawthorn

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

Please get help for yourself. You need to put on your own oxygen mask first.

amother

Daphne

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:33 pm

I do think that if the situation is so bad you need someone to come in and help you deal with it in a better way. It may sound mean but I do think that you can deal with this better. Idk how but when all kids are trouble it might be that you are doing something wrong or something is gone wrong. Idk and I’m sorry hug I hurt your feelings. You need intervention of some sorts because the problems are going to get bigger and huge cv”s when they are teens.someone they had experience needs to go in and help you figure out what’s going on. I’m sorry again.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:35 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

I also want to add and I know it’s super cliche but I really believe HaShem gives people what he KNOWS they can handle. Like HaShem has faith in you

I HATE this.
I’ve never found this to be encouraging.
I’m drowning and someone comes over and says Hashem only gives you what you can handle. Maybe what’s supposed to happen to me is that I’m meant to drown and die…
Sometimes things are really hard.
But that’s just me personally. Other people might be encouraged

amother

Pewter

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP
I’m 100% with you.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:38 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

And sometimes, some people have exceptionally challenging children.
Just say thank you that you don’t

amother

Petunia

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:41 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

And sometimes, some people have exceptionally challenging children.
Just say thank you that you don’t

Ya. Agree. But, OP, maybe just another pair of hands at that time of day? So you can get a breather. Is that even an option? I don't know where you are located but by me the special needs organizations send someone once a week and, also, most schools have chesed programs that a girl can come. Even if she just takes one kid out to the park Or makes dinner or washes dishes off you so you can breathe even for just a few minutes

amother

Oxfordblue

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:49 pm

Yep.

Fun fact. There have been studies done to try to pin down the various aspects of parenting difficult children. They raise our cortisol levels in ways that are even different from parenting seriously physically ill kids, and that changes our body chemistry and leads us to be more likely to respond in ways that further raise the kids' levels and mess with their behavioral responses, and it's a giant circle.

Tachlis? It is biologically harder for us to parent effectively, not just behavioral conditioning. I think we need completely different techniques, like the thread on home organization for women with adhd. And nobody has anything useful to say about parenting kids whose special needs trigger each other. Or about when a parenting technique that actually helps one difficult kid sets another one off, even when it's not being used on them but on the other kid.

TwinsMommy

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 10:57 pm

I have two incredibly challenging chidren--- both have ASD, both have ADHD, one has physical problems including an ileostomy---- we're starting to think about surgery #4 for her where we'll just remove the colon.

I often say I can parent each one of them very well (it wasn't always that way, but I've learned tricks and tips for each) but TOGETHER is impossible. They are each other's biggest trigger.

I gave up on trying to keep them together. They're together on Shabbos but even then, she loves to go out and be social and he loves to stay in his jammies and stay home. Twice a week I have someone pick him up to take him out (away from her) and once a week he and I have therapy. Continuing to tweak meds until each of them is as regulated as possible, and continuing to give MYSELF a treat every day (a nap, a food item, playing some music, etc). Very rarely will you see me with both of them by myself.

Solidarity momma, hang in there.

amother

Firethorn

Thu, Jan 18 2024, 11:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP, so sorry for your stress and challenges. I can totally relate. My children are also so so difficult. And the fact that they don't have friends so I can get some minor relief Shabbos afternoon... I totally get you. For me, I feel like it's really 2 of my children that are the most neurodivergent and difficult, but all of them are just SO rigid and inflexible that it really gets to me.
I did a few months of therapy for myself (gave up on therapy for most of the kids) and I felt it helped me to be able to vent a little to someone other than my husband. One major thing I'm trying to work on is not to get emotionally triggered by the kids... what can I say, it will be my lifelong journey!
Hatzlacha, keep your chin up, and know that you're not alone.