Over-controlling? | Imamother

thegiver

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:00 pm

dankbar

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:09 pm

One thing I realized with a young kid of mine who used to have meltdowns, where you couldn't reason with child, child was totally irrational at the time.
I snuggle and cuddle with child, and child calm down immediately

dena613

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:12 pm

thegiver wrote:

1) what is trash? Are you more makpid on junk food than most?
Who is hiding it? Your kids are hiding it from you because you're going to throw it out? How young are they that they didn't learn to eat it all in school?? (That's what will happen.)
Can you figure out another solution, like offering to buy it off of them? Or just making sure they brush teeth and floss well that night?

2) are you sure your child is dehydrated? How do you know?
Can you make the drink palatable? Like give her gatorade? Or make it into lemonade with lemon juice and sugar? Or hot cocoa with milk cocoa and sugar? Those would help too.

3) selecting friends- how old is your oldest? What do you do if they want to hang out with someone you doing like? What is the criteria for making it onto your "friend-worthy" list?

4) how off limits are you? Can kids sit on your lap? Can they go in your room?

dena613

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:18 pm

thegiver wrote:

I'm a controlling mother. What are the repercussions? Where is the balance? How do I chill out?

btw how do you stop a kid from always being silly? any good books or stories out there? (personal anecdotes welcome!)

and how do you stop a kid from calling you names and physically harming you? (throwing projectiles etc) how do you not escalate and stay calm?

and last but not least, how do you develop a warm connection with a child who's hard to love because you have different temperaments? for instance, the child who's always the teaser, inciter and agitated restless kid who makes trouble and doesn't know how to keep self-occupied and who lies, takes things without permission, etc. WOW a huge load off my chest. hoping DC outgrows all these things. wondering if our love as parents and depriving him of everything because of negative behavior is making things worse. but seriously, how do you let a misbehaving kid get what he wants? no way!

Lots of repercussion if you are over controlling. Off the top of my head I can think of kids will figure out secretive ways to defy, kids won't want relationships with you as adults, you will be an angry person, etc.

Why is your kid always silly? Do they have ADHD? Are they desperate for attention and only get negative attention? Are they bored?

To develop a relationship with kid who is difficult, GO OUT OF YOUR WAY to develop a positive relationship. That doesn't mean no limits and that doesn't mean he gets everything he wants. It means you make special time with that child. Maybe buy them a special treat or take them somewhere special one-on-one, or do a special activity with them at home when other kids are out or sleeping.

amother

Amaryllis

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:20 pm

Read the book Hold on to Your Kids. I'm reading it, and it's life changing. Total paradigm shift. I'm a similar parent to how you describe yourself.

dena613

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:21 pm

I read your post again.
Could be your child is acting up because you are so controlling.
If their behavior is really off the charts (guests see it too, grandparents see it too, teachers see it too) maybe they need a neuropsych evaluation.

amother

DarkPurple

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:22 pm

It sounds to me like the behavioral issues in part two of your post are just the beginning of the repercussions of the first part, so you're sort of answering your own question.

You seem not to question whether or not you are doing the right thing, perhaps you know it's wrong but it's too hard to change? Ask yourself why are you doing these things? Why do you need control? What will happen if you don't have it? Are you trying to grow your children up to become good people, or are you trying to make them behave a certain way because you can't handle it otherwise? If the latter, ask yourself truly if you're doing it for the long term consequences, or is it just for your comfort in the here and now?

amother

Bronze

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 10:56 pm

Repercussions:
They will learn to hide things from you
They will seek the things they want elsewhere, for example go to friend’s house and beg for nosh
They may mimic behavior and be controlling themselves
They will feel like you don’t understand them at all, will not try to discuss things with you
They will not understand which things are very important to you and your family and which things less so-when they decide to break the rules they might as well just break all of them
They will not learn independence and decision making

amother

Cobalt

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 11:37 pm

As for drinking…find something hydrating your kids like to drink and they will drink more

amother

Moonstone

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 2:45 am

Op what you’re describing sounds very troubling. Why do you think you are acting this way? Are you controlling in other areas of your life? (Towards your husband?) how were you patented ?

amother

Iris

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 3:20 am

A child who acts silly is a child who is being treated below their age level. It could be that by being controlling you are disabling their decision making and therefore not allowing them to grow up the way they need to. If you allow opportunities to make decisions, show you trust them, you might find they stop acting silly.

Controlling behavior destroys trust. You will not be able to develop a trusting relationship with your children if you are controlling them instead of being mechanech them.

The other issue is that the behavior won't last. They may not eat junk food now because they can't but the minute they can, they will overdose on it. The same with other behaviors. They may not play with those kids now but guess who will be their first new friends in yeshiva?

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 3:25 am

thegiver wrote:

I'm a controlling mother. What are the repercussions?

Often you reach the opposite of the results you absolutely want to reach by force or control.

Quote:

Where is the balance? How do I chill out?

That's very hard indeed. Maybe that's the most difficult thing about having children: they are their own persons, they are not robots. You cannot control everything about them. Maybe you can reach some results "indirectly", by giving small inputs, and accepting that the children might take them or leave them.

Actually, with small children, manipulation works quite well. For example if you want to get a child to go to the toilet, you can use a book "Laura goes to the toilet", and explain how Laura is a big girl and now she goes to the toilet and everyone is so proud about this. And then most children will want to be like Laura and will try and go to the toilet.

Quote:

here are some examples
-nutrition: I dont let my children eat trash and if they bring it home from school and hide it I throw it out

I think it is a good idea to model healthy eating, to let children eat what you eat. In general, children will want to imitated people around them. So I think it is a good idea to have plenty of fruits and veggies at their disposal, where they can serve themselves for snacks if they are hungry. And it's OK to have only limited sweets within your house.
However, you should respect their property, because if you don't respect their property, they won't respect your property, and you already write that this is the case.

Furthermore, excessive restrictions on food have negative effects:
I have seen children develop eating disorders because their parents where over-controlling with food.
Small children might start stealing to get food items that are extremely restricted at home.

So you know that excessive control in food matters is negative, maybe you have some kind of "orthorexia" that could be treated, maybe a therapist can help you, or maybe you just have to learn to trust the process.

Quote:

-food battles: my child is dehydrated and im literally manipulating her to drink water and almost forcing it down her throat

That's already chapter two of too much control. Do you see how on the one hand, you absolutely want to PROHIBIT them eating sweets, and on the other hand, you want to actively FORCE them to drink. You are rather far down on a very slippery slope. Stop it.
Also: physically forcing them to drink is a physical aggression against the child. It is more or less like hitting.
The child has good natural instincts about how much food and drink they need. Trying to control them is destroying their natural instincts, and this might be a damage they will not be able to undo all their lives.

Quote:

-friends: im selective about who I let my kids hang out with

In my view, that's not a good idea, but there might be people here who agree with you.

Quote:

-personal space/my personal belongings are off limits

Here, I am all on your side: they have to respect your property, just like you have respect their property (see above).
When they are small, they will not really understand, so you might have to lock away what you do not want them to take, or put it in unaccessible places, later they should learn the concept of property, that just like their little siblings are not allowed to touch their things, they are not allowed to touch your things. It might be necessary to make clear what is "common property" that everyone can use as needed and what is "individual property" and off bounds to everyone else.

Quote:

I'm not looking for "normal" because there is no such thing. I just want to know what are the consequences of being overcontrolling as a parent.

btw how do you stop a kid from always being silly? any good books or stories out there? (personal anecdotes welcome!)

Children should be silly and being silly together with them is a very nice way of bonding.

Quote:

and how do you stop a kid from calling you names and physically harming you? (throwing projectiles etc) how do you not escalate and stay calm?

First and foremost, it is important to model good behavior. If you shout around a lot, no wonder they act up.
Then they often act up to get attention. Every mother on the phone will see her children suddenly arguing or becoming violent - because they want their mother with them, not only physically, but also with her attention.

Too much screentime often makes children aggressive.
Going outside to play and let off steam every day is important.

But once they really do call names, you have to stop them, that's not acceptable.

Quote:

and last but not least, how do you develop a warm connection with a child who's hard to love because you have different temperaments?

You have to give them lots and lots of attention and try to construct positive situations before it degenerates.
You cannot educate children without sillyness and playing with them and running around in the park with them or at least encouraging them to run around in the park.
There should be 4 times more positive interaction than negative interaction with a child. For every scolding, there should be at least 4 compliments. So if you have a difficult child, you have to have many compliments in reserve when they behave well, even for the shortest time, so that you are allowed to scold when they misbehave. This means you have to train yourself to see what they are doing well, even the smallest things, instead of taking the positive behavior for granted.

I think once you do this, both your perception of the child and the child's perception of you will change.

amother

Iris

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 3:27 am

thegiver wrote:

I'm a controlling mother. What are the repercussions? Where is the balance? How do I chill out?

here are some examples
-nutrition: I dont let my children eat trash and if they bring it home from school and hide it I throw it out
-food battles: my child is dehydrated and im literally manipulating her to drink water and almost forcing it down her throat Taking away their permission to decide about their own body will lead to anorexia. You need to stop it right now.
-friends: im selective about who I let my kids hang out with Most parents are. The question is how you do it. Do you sit and discuss your value system and why certain homes are not a good influence or do you lay down the law and have kids who are resentful?
-personal space/my personal belongings are off limits

I'm not looking for "normal" because there is no such thing. I just want to know what are the consequences of being overcontrolling as a parent.

btw how do you stop a kid from always being silly? any good books or stories out there? (personal anecdotes welcome!)

and how do you stop a kid from calling you names and physically harming you? (throwing projectiles etc) how do you not escalate and stay calm? The question is why are they doing that? It's not so much about you staying calm at the time but what are you doing that is provoking aggressive behavior?

and last but not least, how do you develop a warm connection with a child who's hard to love because you have different temperaments? for instance, the child who's always the teaser, inciter and agitated restless kid who makes trouble and doesn't know how to keep self-occupied and who lies, takes things without permission, etc. WOW a huge load off my chest. hoping DC outgrows all these things. wondering if our love as parents and depriving him of everything because of negative behavior is making things worse. but seriously, how do you let a misbehaving kid get what he wants? no way! You are turning this into a personal power struggle. This has become about you rather than about chinuch. There is no way forward until you let go, realize that this is about your child not about you. Imagine a teacher who treated your child that way. Would you be okay with that? A child who is behaving the way you describe is screaming for help. You need to help them not to get negative with them. Why are they making trouble? because they're bored? because you don't allow them to follow their interests? because you keep them isolated? why? answer the why, solve the problem. Depriving a child because of negative behavior only works if it is a natural consequence. eg. you left your toys on the floor so they got broken. Your love isn't depriving him but your parenting style is depricing him. WOuld you be open to taking a parenting course?

hodeez

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 4:21 am

Personal space and the friends thing are necessary IMO. Yes your stuff is your stuff. Yes you can police your child not to hang out with a bad influence. (but if you don't like the kid bc their parents gives them junk food that's another issue). Everything else I would say pretend you didn't see. Let go a little bit and you may be surprised by your children's reactions.

Also no you don't give in to a misbehaving child, but you do try to understand the root of the behavior and see what can be changed the next time around. I've been trying to show more affection to the one kid who just won't stop with the chaos, and I've been seeing a bit of a breakthrough. Gd is good 😁

amother

Mintcream

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 4:23 am

My mother was overcontroling.

As a result, I have very little relationship with her.

It is important to think about not just what chinuch is important to you but what advances your relationship. Try to find ways to merge the two.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 4:49 am

OP, I find your wording a little funny.
It's totally okay (not just okay, but necessary) to have rules in your household. Yes, you may dictate what food comes into your house and with whom your family associates. But it matters HOW you do it. By using the word controlling, you give the impression that you are a cold and unfeeling dictator with zero flexibility. I'm not sure if that's really the case in your situation or if that's just a poor word choice on your part.
If you read books like All For The Boss, they had very strict rules in their family, but the rules did not negate the warmth and inner-pride that the parents gave over to their children. That is very different from being controlling.
A controlling parent shuts off all possibilities for a relationship with the child. A child will learn to have no respect for a controlling parent because it's obvious that everything is done for the parent's selfish motives and not for the child's own good.

ShishKabob

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 6:03 am

Here is where I believe that the number one factor in raising children is raising yourself. Find one place where you need to improve and slowly work on that. When you feel ok with that go to number two.
You can't expect to be perfect but if you continue down this road it will not end up being ok. You are self aware which is great. Now choose the least painful way to go about slowly becoming better. Hugs,

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 6:08 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

This is exactly what I was going to answer!
If your children would be well behaved happy children you would know that it's fine.
Their behavior is showing you that they're having a hard time with it. Obviously you have to look for different parenting methods.
Educate yourself. Get books, follow a course....

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 6:23 am

I'm confused by your post. Your first examples aren't necessarily over-controlling and your second half has nothing to do with control.

It sounds like you're second guessing your parenting a lot. Having kids with brain issues can make you do that.

Chayalle

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 6:32 am

thegiver wrote:

and last but not least, how do you develop a warm connection with a child who's hard to love because you have different temperaments? for instance, the child who's always the teaser, inciter and agitated restless kid who makes trouble and doesn't know how to keep self-occupied and who lies, takes things without permission, etc. WOW a huge load off my chest. hoping DC outgrows all these things. wondering if our love as parents and depriving him of everything because of negative behavior is making things worse. but seriously, how do you let a misbehaving kid get what he wants? no way!

When a child gets what he really wants, he doesn't misbehave. And that's how you develop a warm connection with him. And all of this is because you love him.

Why do you need to control so badly? This is something you need to ask yourself. What are areas where you can let go? The biggest parenting advice I got was, choose your battles. I let my kids get away with most things, because then, the important things I don't let them get away with are ones they respect. Because they know that those are the really important things.... the values I want to pass down. Other things are not so important.

I think it would be such a load off your chest if you would let go of the responsibility and let your child just be. It's normal for a child to sometimes take things without permission - use this as an opportunity to get to know him and what he needs, so next time he'll have permission. Be realistic. My parenting mentor used to say that we create our own battles, and many of them are not important. When we let go, our relationship with our child flourishes. And yes, half these things your child will outgrow anyway. Just model good behavior and let go, you don't need to make sure your kid follows. They will, if you just focus on the relationship.