Teenage DD wants to know why we need a cleaning lady

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 3:42 am

She’s here for 2 hours a day and does everything from laundry and linens to polishing silver and peeling vegetables for supper. She costs me less than 1/3 of what I make per hour and for the first time in years I’m at ease. DD simply doesn’t understand why it’s necessary and keeps insisting that we don’t need her. I’ve tried to explain that to me it’s worth the few extra hours of work in exchange for uniforms ironed and the house running smoothly. My extra hours at work don’t impact DD so it’s not resentment that’s making her insist that we don’t need it. I think in her mind she thinks the money could be better spent elsewhere, but it isn’t her money. Besides, if we don’t have the cleaning lady then the burden of the laundry and cleaning falls on me and I hate housework. How can I get her to see that the only reason she has a calm mother is because I come home to a clean house??

kugelEater

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 3:49 am

Is she offering to do the work of the cleaning lady?

Rutabaga

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 4:08 am

Why do you feel like you have to justify this to your daughter?

122

WhatFor

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 4:18 am

Rutabaga wrote:

Why do you feel like you have to justify this to your daughter?

This. It feels like some sort of boundary issue. I assume dd isn't putting her money into the family spending pool so why does she get an opinion on how you spend your money on yourself?

Elfrida

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 4:31 am

Offer to pay her the same for doing the same work each day.

amother

Steel

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 4:33 am

"Because thats what I need."

"Everyone does different things."

"Because thats what Tatty and mommy decided"

Or similar for her age level.

Full stop.

essie14

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 4:33 am

Why is this any of her business?
When she has her own home and pays her own bills she can choose to do all the housework herself.
You don't have to justify your spending to your DD.
Are you telling her that you can't afford items she wants so she wants that money spent on her?

amother

Sage

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 4:45 am

Can you find out if it’s perhaps a deeper issue for her? I agree with other posters it’s none of her business and she isn’t owed any explanations, unless:

It’s something truly affecting her mental health. I personally suffer from anxiety and depression, and strangers are very difficult for me to be around. I find cleaning ladies to be very hard for me to deal with, I would not be able to handle having one in my home.

I’m not saying that’s what your DDs reasoning is, I’m saying that’s the only explanation that I could see her having a valid opinion. Otherwise you just say:

When you have your own house, you don’t need to have a cleaning lady. This is my house and what I want and I don’t have to explain it

ora_43

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 5:13 am

I think there's an opportunity here to teach your dd important ideas.

But first I'd try to get a better sense of her exact question. Does she think that the cleaner is doing jobs that don't need to be done (eg she thinks ironing is unnecessary)? Does she think you/ your dh/ the family could do the work just as quickly, 'for free'? Or does she just not like having someone in her space?

If it's #2, I think it's a good chance to explain that your time and energy isn't "free." Eg, "If I'm going to have to work for two hours either way to get the housework done, I'd rather work at my job, which I enjoy and am good at, and pay someone else to polish and dust."

Up to you whether you want to mention that you earn more per hour than you pay on cleaning (some people don't like to talk salary, but OTOH can be a good way to drive home the point that sometimes paying for something is the cheaper option).

For kids that age money tends to be harder to get than time, so it's harder for them to understand that 'saving money' isn't always worth it. But it's an important lesson so IMO worth talking to her about. (although if she keeps bugging you about it after you've discussed it, I'd move to 'this is how I choose to do it, when you're an adult you can make different choices' like others suggested).

imaima

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 6:02 am

My teen dd was having first world problems because the cleaning lady misplaced her things (that were all over the floor).
Now she gets to clean her own room. I told the lady to skip dd‘s bedroom

amother

Celeste

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 7:26 am

imaima wrote:

My teen dd was having first world problems because the cleaning lady misplaced her things (that were all over the floor).
Now she gets to clean her own room. I told the lady to skip dd‘s bedroom

Always. If their room is clean then she will mop the floor.

amother

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:15 am

kugelEater wrote:

Is she offering to do the work of the cleaning lady?

No. I did offer it to her and she seemed to consider it but then said no. I know my princess won’t clean a toilet for any amount of money and even if I was to give it a try she would last one day and I’d lose the cleaning lady.

Queen Of Hearts

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:18 am

Please don't excuse or rationalize your need for a cleaning lady to your daughter. It is your home and you get to decide how it's run. When she has her own home she gets to decide how it's run.

I think it will do good for her to know her parents make decisions without involving her in the ins and outs of them.
You can be your daughters friend but you still need to keep a position of authority.

amother

Stone

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:25 am

amother OP wrote:

She is way out of line you don’t need to justify your adult decisions to her.

DVOM

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:28 am

'Its so interesting that your asking, honey. I love having the cleaning lady! She takes care of a lot of chores around the house that I don't enjoy doing. You seem uncomfortable with it. What's going through your mind?'

Confidence and authority in your decision. Your choices about your money are not something your daughter needs to understand or approve of.

At the same time, I'd express curiosity for her thoughts and feelings. I always want to know what's on my kids minds, even when it won't impact my choices.

teachkids

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:28 am

amother OP wrote:

Then why doesn't she want the cleaning lady?

amother

Gladiolus

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:28 am

Stop discussing and justifying anything to her. “I’m not discussing this with you” is a full sentence. And then proceed to ignore.

Do you always run your decisions by her? As a mother of teenagers I don’t understand why this is a discussion.

Queen Of Hearts

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:31 am

DVOM wrote:

This.
Not shutting her down but at the same time not justifying your decisions to her.

hotpretzel

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:31 am

I can't figure out why this is any of her business

Unless she thinks by not having cleaning help you would have more money to spend on her

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Jan 29 2024, 8:32 am

amother OP wrote:

This is the issue

Teenagers don't need to understand why there parents do certain things, and are perfectly entitled to believe that things should be done differently.

A calm - "this is what abba and ima decided works for our family, when you are in charge of your own home, you will be able to make your own decisions". Rinse, wash, repeat - calmly and kindly.

Teens are not our friends and playing that role is ultimately damaging. She doesn't need to understand and validate and agree with you - that is your role towards her!
She just needs to accept the situation.
Your role is to (kindly and compassionately)help her develop the ability to live with and accept situations that are beyond her control, even when she thinks they should be handled differently. That is a crucial life skill and this is a great learning opportunity.

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